Change of Heart

[OsirisGuy23]

I feel like I live in a world where it's acceptable to "lie" and live a life on the outside that contrasts sharply, and painfully with the person I am inside...I'm just a regular, guy except I happened to like guys a little more than I should perhaps? lol I tend to romanticize every encounter, every meeting as a chance to get to know another man for who he is...which leaves me with a feeling more valuable than gold; I couldn't be any less concerned with what you HAVE physically; I'm far to ambitious, and intelligent to find the "hard way" and have to give it up to get what I WANT the person I am, looks for what is inside a person, not for ill, but for the positive...and yet I've let everyone have THEIR say about what I should do...I've allowed myself to fall into self-condemnation, and self-loathing for wanting a life with a man....for doubting that another man, could FEEL to the degree and intensity like I do...I'm just not one for facades...the real YOU will ALWAYS do for me.

Currently, I find it hard for that reason to reconcile what I feel with another man, and yet, nothing, NOTHING in my life has ever been so simple...wanting to hold his hand, kiss him, and make him feel like he's protected from the storm, to take him to my favorite spots, and yeah, getting into trouble together...someone to share all the times with, good or bad...someone, who looks at me, and isn't afraid to roll his sleeves up, and work just as hard for this love as I am...and to love him in his weakness, to help him re-discover his strength....to hold him at night, and to make EVERY NIGHT unforgettable....I'm a true romantic; a masculine guy, just one who never had the patience for the games....

I've spent so much time hating myself, loathing myself, not to mention SMOKING MYSELF lol into a state of disbelief about my sexuality, only to come to the realization that I hate the fact that I've been told that I can't find happiness in this "lifestyle"...that I won't find a man, to raise children with, a man that shares the same intensity, passion, and determination to turn this world around....If there are no more heroes, I'll just step up and say I want to be one.....

AND IM GAY.

Hopefully, one day, these words will sting less...saying goodbye to the "American Dream" after it's been practically RAMMED down your throat for so long is hard to do lol

for the time being, I just want to re-introduce myself, and get to know some of you guys! Thanks!

[Rainbowmum]

Welcome back OsirisGuy,

Congratulations for finding yourself, you are very courageous, and I am extremely proud of you.
There is no bigger battle and no great adversary than yourself and more importantly fighting your self.
You did it , you won, all the rest will look easy now.

[OsirisGuy23]

Thanks Rainbowmum! I wish EVERY mom was as thoughtful, and generous as you...It's truly appreciated...growing up without an emotionally mature, and generous parent is rough...every time I needed help, and someone, especially with this gay stuff, I had no one...but the men who wanted to have sex were ALWAYS there in abundance lol...

It stings to know that my life (as far as this moment stands) revolves around shallow exchanges with people that leave me feeling weak, hollow, and empty....I can't, CANNOT continue living this way...It KILLS the soul....I can't, CANNOT let this world kill that off in me...coming to terms with a culture that makes you feel further estranged from it, is a conundrum I've yet to wrap my mind around fully...I've felt that feeling my WHOLE life, with straight people, or gay people....people just aren't PEOPLE anymore....where on earth do I belong? Why is this SO hard? What am I not looking clearly at? Genetics, Computer Science, even Astral/Meta Physics are concepts are a relative breeze for me....but people....coping with the lies they tell about themselves to bolster their fragile ego....why? Am I naive, or ignorant in someway for not understanding that? I'm just myself, but I know that I really like the guy I am PERSONALLY, and that'll do.

But I'm coming around though, to what I've got no idea...I just hope it's better tomorrow...

[Pix]

Welcome back! mile:

Remembering your desire for children I thought I'd share this YT channel with you featuring 2 gay men raising their children together:

http://www.youtube.com/user/depfox

I am 40 my husband Bryan is 38 we have been together for Fourteen years. We have two kids a son 10 and a daughter 5. We also now have 3 foster kids ages 4, 2 & 15months, that were taken away from my niece. We have started making videos in a response to prop 8 and the attack on our families.

Some good stuff there, IMO, and I thought it would be even more appealing to you. So for what it's worth I'm sharing.

[zeon]

hello and welcome back to the forums,
The thing with being gay is when we first realise who and what we are it is natural to fight it and try to be different because we feel as though as are falling out of line with the rest of the world but to be honest we are not... We are only falling out with ourself... It took me some time to accept my sexuality in fact five years to be exact but luckily i realised what i could be when i was 12 and by the age of 17 id accepted it and come out... Coming out is a big issue amongst gay members of the community world wide whether your in the city or in the jungle in a tribe because its all about fear... Fear of rejection, fear of not being part of society but to be honest when you think about life on the whole... No one is perfect and all people would want in this world is to see someone whether they care about them or not Happy... There is nothing worse than feeling as though one is trapped in a prison they cant get out of because they are denying themselves the right to the freedom which they are of course intitled to through whatever means...
Nowadays the whole american dream is like the equalivent of the victorian rules and regulations of their times... Absolute bollocks... Anyone can have a dream and its a matter of ways and means to making that dream come true.. If your serious about raising children why not think about adoption.. A parent whether he be hetrosexual or homosexual is better than no parent.. All a child wants in this world is someone to show them some love and affection in a way that will help them stabilize the way they make their future unfold and remember the struggles you are going through with life could be the struggles an adopted child goes through...
If your not ready for adoption and want to get some experience first why not set yourself up as a child minder registering with local authorities for an OFSTEAD report to put mothers minds at rest and have a CRB check with the police to make sure that any underlying criminal histories are not going to stop you and this would go in your favour as well... When your ready and stablised enough to adopt then give it a go... Of course some people may frown or look a tad odd if they are not used to seeing this before but to be honest who cares its how the parent is treating the child that counts.. I am planning to adopt and to be honest cannot wait to have a little one running round.. Only thing i havent decided is whether i want to be called zeon or dad lol

Kindest regards and big hugz on coming back and realising you are one of many that make us here at gayspeak a fantastic place to be

Zeon x

[pellaz]

welcome back to gayspeak

people, especially your age, just really dont care if your are gay or straight.
sure its initially strange but after a while in a relationship with another man you forget its a gay thing.