Is this a date? I'm a person who is dumb.

[Toby]

Hey all,

I have a situation that is probably nothing new or exciting to most. I don't even know if I need advice necessarily or just... I'm not sure. Basically the deal is is that tomorrow I'm having coffee with this guy that I've had a devastating crush on for about ten years. We went to school together and were friends(ish) quite a while ago. I had an inkling then that he might've felt the same way about me, but I'm not sure. Now a days we run into each other around town every so often and he always seems happy to see me. After many years of playing the "what if?" game in my head and perfecting my lonesome, self-pitying Charlie Brown-esque persona, I finally got the courage to find him on facebook and ask if he wanted to catch up, which leads to us and the coffee tomorrow.

I'm extremely nervous/anxious/excited/terrified. I don't even know for certain if he's gay, let alone if he's actually interested in me (he is a bit outta my league). I've never pursued a single romantic interaction in my life, and also if he's not gay I don't want to make an extremely uncomfortable situation for him and I. Then again, if he's not gay, wouldn't he find it a little strange that some dude he sorta new in high school suddenly wants to have coffee? (This is all the circular stuff that just keeps going around in my very neurotic head).

I guess I'm just looking for some general advice on how to approach things. I would like to make it clear that I'm interested in him, but I'd like not to risk him getting creeped out. Maybe I'm looking to have my cake and eat it, too. Thanks for any future insight.

BTW, his facebook makes no indication of who he's "interested in." Nor does mine.

[LateBloomer]

My advice: I would NOT consider this a date. This is more like "reunion". Here's why: If you put too much pressure on yourself (and him--by expressing your interest without knowing where he stands) you're likely to jam up the whole vibe.

It's better to take small steps in this case, hoping they might lead to a more productive date.

For now, just consider this a reconnection in order to get to know each other again. Who knows, you might learn something about him that you missed the last several years LIKE WHO HE'S BEEN DATING. That will tell you everything you need to know about your NEXT "DATE".

Good luck, relax and have fun.

[monk]

. . . he is a bit outta my league

If you're a caring, loving human being, nobody is out of your league.

[Gizzie]

Yeah, the two concepts - is this a date? and - he is out of my league, are the two thoughts you need not have.
There are no leagues, and whether its a date or not will be self defined

Good luck:biggrin:

[zeon]

Hello,
Nothing in what you have said suggests its a date just that its two old school friends meeting over coffee... When he asks you how you have been whats new etc etc this can be your window of oppetunity to say something like... Ive been good and i have started to learn things in life and realise aspects within it... When he has asked like what tell him about your future prospects where you see your life going and somewhere in the conversation say Now one thing i have realised is that life is about honesty and I would like to be honest with you as friends and hope you wont judge as everytime is a little nervous but im gay. If the friendship has been a good friendship and strong it will not make a difference and your be fine so treat this asd i originally said two friends meeting for a coffee and a catch up after some time

best regards

zeon x

[Maverick]

Since you are obviously nervous about this get-together (which is understandable) I'd make up a list of "catch-up" items you could ask/talk about. That way you can try to avoid that dreaded "silence/dead air" that sometimes plagues a conversation between friends who've not kept in touch. I'm not talking about a written out script, just jot down a few topics you might want to discuss so you're prepared to keep the conversation going.....

[jacklondon]

u have to tell urself what u want.
if u want him to be a friendish, like in the past ten years, go to this date as friend. talk and see if he interested in another date and then little by little u figure it out if he is gay and into u.

if u don't want him to be ur friendish but friend and maybe more, tell him the truth. say, look after I realize to be gay at school, I used to have a big crush on u, and then laugh, like something funny of the PAST. see his reaction.

[Toby]

Thanks everyone for the kind and helpful words. Definitely helped me get through the day without collapsing into a complete wreck. You guys are right about not trying to make it into anything more than it is, and if I go in there with those sorts of expectations I think days of disaster and sadness may ensue. Unfortunately, he cancelled our plans and rescheduled tentatively for a week later. So we'll see...

[LateBloomer]

Thanks everyone for the kind and helpful words. Definitely helped me get through the day without collapsing into a complete wreck. You guys are right about not trying to make it into anything more than it is, and if I go in there with those sorts of expectations I think days of disaster and sadness may ensue. Unfortunately, he cancelled our plans and rescheduled tentatively for a week later. So we'll see...

Good luck.
Keep us posted.

[Toby]

Just had the coffee and, I don't know what to think. I feel so confused and numb (jesus, I sound like a 14 year girl). I like him so f*cking much it's gut wrenching. I've been so nervous all week. I had planned things to talk about but they were all used up in about 30 seconds. For example, I knew he had traveled abroad, so I thought we could talk about that for a while. It like this: Me: "So how was Europe?" Him: "Good...." I went into it with the idea that he's just meeting to be polite, but that's dumb right? At first he was really fidgety, talking about how exhausted he is, coming from class and everything and I thought, "damn, I've put him out. This is just an embarrassing obligation to him because some jackass he barely knew wanted to meet up." But then it got a little better. There were certainly a lot of awkward pauses and things. We talked about our goals and things. He said he likes poetry and we talked about that for a while, me trying to keep up the whole time. He seemed genuinely interested to talk to me and we definitely had things in common, just in the way we approach our lives.
We ended up talking for about an hour and a half. I never brought up anything about relationships whatsoever, so it's all still sort of unclear. He said we should do this again sometime, in an offhanded way.
I just don't know what to think. I am a horribly socially inept person. I think there were times he may have tried putting out "signals" just from the way he looked at me and things but I can't tell. I can't tell if we were old friends having coffee or if it was something more. I can see how there may have been something more, but I can't separate reality from wishful thinking. I don't think I contributed to any sort of "flirtation" or anything. I guess I'll wait and see what happens.

May the universe bless anyone who got through this babbling, incoherent mess. I've spent my entire life as an observer and have finally made a go at being a participant. Overall, I think it went really well. :redface: