So, I got to my dad's a day late. The house has four bedrooms and a second living room that serves as a fifth bedroom to my sister. The other three are empty until the weekends when my brothers are staying, or have been empty for a couple years. No one cleared a room out for me to sleep in, I had to sweep out splintered baseboards my sister tore up, and throw away a ridiculous amount of trash to get to bed two hours later than I should have. No one offered to help. I felt like a stranger in the house I grew up in, moving my bed into a room that was convenient for everyone else. I don't remember feeling this unloved, or maybe I didn't notice it with my wife. My ride comes for me earlier than I used to leave, and work has been in overtime for months now. I feel tired, lonely and swept into a corner to stay out of the way. It's only been less than 48 hours since I've seen my wife, and I already miss her.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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my parents passed away a couple of years ago. Just got done cleaning the place out, got it ready to sell. In the process i felt like you. I was throwing out old paint cans for a project i had never completed 30 years ago.
It is going to take a few months to learn to think for your self.
ts difficult for you to figure this divorce will lead to a better life. Take it one day at a time. Stay positive at work, find new supportive friends. Most of all be careful in how you do things (driving etc); some actions were automatic and now in manual mode you walk around distracted confusted
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"Distracted and confused" in "manual mode" is just about the perfect way to describe it. I have a drive to move forward, but I feel like a cog in a machine, stuck in this rotation of self-defeat. I'm doing senseless things, and considering doing things I would never do. I almost bought some crying kid a bag of Cheetos for no reason.
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I am terribly sorry to hear that you feel that way. I suppose you could say you're going through one of the roughest patches of your life. I am not familiar with your situation, I suppose you must have explained it in an earlier thread, but you are divorcing your wife because you are gay? And you're still on good terms with her?
I haven't really ever spoken to you, but I have faith that you will be able to get through this, I somehow feel it. It will take time, but I htink what you need the most right now is a few days off, if that is possible. To go somewhere where you can just let it all out, or hwere you can rest enough (alone) so that you'll feel ready to face all the shit again. I don't know if that will be possible for you, but a 2-3 days vacation at a quiet place would do wonders, I believe.
Please know that this is nothing you cannot deal with, no matter how terrible it is.
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Uncarvedblock Wrote:... I'm doing senseless things, and considering doing things I would never do. ... all good if you pick constructive things. Try going out for a short run. Get a gym membership. Get a movie membership. Volunteer at the LGBT center.
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pellaz Wrote:all good if you pick constructive things. Try going out for a short run. Get a gym membership. Get a movie membership. Volunteer at the LGBT center. I've actually really wanted to start running again. I used to around 2004, but I did something to my knee that made squatting impossible. I would get a gym membership, but I don't want to spend money on something I could do at home and should continue to do for my health. And as far as I know, there isn't an LGBT center in town. :frown:
SlipknotRlZZ Wrote:I am terribly sorry to hear that you feel that way. I suppose you could say you're going through one of the roughest patches of your life. I am not familiar with your situation, I suppose you must have explained it in an earlier thread, but you are divorcing your wife because you are gay? And you're still on good terms with her?
I haven't really ever spoken to you, but I have faith that you will be able to get through this, I somehow feel it. It will take time, but I htink what you need the most right now is a few days off, if that is possible. To go somewhere where you can just let it all out, or hwere you can rest enough (alone) so that you'll feel ready to face all the shit again. I don't know if that will be possible for you, but a 2-3 days vacation at a quiet place would do wonders, I believe.
Please know that this is nothing you cannot deal with, no matter how terrible it is. Yes, the divorce is because I'm gay, and I am on good terms with my wife.
Unfortunately, my job is five days a week, and sometimes six, and I always have felt that asking for time off is like saying you don't need a job and have better things to do. I really do need this job, and while I am a full-time benefited employee, I'm still nervous. I've made a few (but very big) mistakes, and I've been moved to another department (where the mistakes aren't as serious, and I can make them more frequently). I have about three days of vacation time and a couple days of personal time stored up, but I'm not sure if I can even get the time off. Every department has a limit to how many people can be gone a certain day, and most of the time, days are full.
I missed my ride to work today, but fortunately my sister wasn't working, so I wheedled her van from her. On the way home it dawned on me that my life isn't going to go back to the previous routine, my established "normal".
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Well, Friday night was spectacular. Got in touch with some old coworkers, told them I was out, and sort of derailed a birthday celebration, and I stayed up WAY past my bedtime and chatted about stupid stuff that was universally urgent at the time. It felt amazing, and I felt less trapped and alone, and the world seemed more possible.
Last night I went for a run with my sister's awful Saint Bernard, the dog is poorly trained, so the fat bitch tripped me and now my knee is swollen and skinned, but the dog was happy to run some.
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Thank you 
First you have put a smile on my face and then you made me laugh loud.
It is so great when someone comes back "just" to tell us that he is feeling better 
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Hello,
It is good to see you've found the guts to set yourself free... Whatever stage it happens in life it is never too late to be yourself just means some people do it later than others.... Hope your knee gets better soon mister
Kindest regards
zeon x
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Even if I wake screaming, at least I woke up
