I know I'm not alone, but logic against emotions and feelings... Logic is most likely going to lose in my case. But I can say posting some of my deep, I mean deep thoughts on here and having all of you post your opinions and helpful stuff has made me feel good and less alone. But I still feel alone, I still feel empty, I still feel my demons clawing at my insides, wanting to be free. (I refer my addictions, like cutting, as demons)
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suicide sucks-i hope you werent implying that
youre only 15 -take it slow
what do they say?"be your own best friend"?if you find someone you like then its your choice-until you do its possible to like being single -i think anyway
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I'm not ashamed to ask for help, I use to get help until my father got lazy and didn't want to mess with his insurance anymore. So I'm not getting help anymore so I just have myself and my sheer willpower to overcome my demons
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Commiting the most selfish act? Yes Holland I was implying suicide
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Not to down play your emotions, they are valid.
You are only 15 years of age, you haven't experienced this world nor have you learned a lot of things like how to deal with confusing, excessive emotions and live with your own peculiarities.
On top of that you have yet to discover that few people actually think about you or care enough to even think you are gay.
The ones who will think about you and really care about you won't care that you are gay. Only the ones who have a selfish reason to hang around has issues with a person's sexuality.
While you are quoting the AA Serenity Prayer, I have to wonder how much of AA (Program) you know in order for you to take more of those bits of wisdom.
Such as:
Easy Does it and One Day at a Time and Resentments are Taken not Given
You, as a young gay male are living in wonderful times (some would say Fabulous Times!).
The Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy which took the place of No Gays Allowed back in the Clinton years has been dropped - you can be in the military and openly gay, bi whatever and they can't kick you out for it.
Gays can marry in New York, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, and New Hampshire. In many other states there are domestic partnerships, a form of legalized civil rights - not really marriage, but close.
In the USA there are extra punishments handed out for 'hate crimes' - Yeah I know, if you are killed for $10 bucks and your shoes or if you are killed for being gay you are still dead - however the ramifications of extended punishments and extra charges is that fewer people are willing to kill you because you are gay. $10 and your shoes is a different story.
Back when I was your age they were still giving electroshock therapy as 'treatment' for homosexuality. Granted the AMA and the Psychiatric Board of the USA had the previous decade declared that homosexuality was not a mental illness (well only about 4 years earlier) guys were still being electrocuted as a way to lobotomize the gay away.
In my 20's, it was typical for a gay man to end up being a victim of physical violence. Yeah you could call the police, but once it came out you were 'that way' the police suddenly felt powerless and had no real law behind them - well they did, they more often than not choose to not enforce it.
Since I was 15 years of age 30 years ago (thrice your age) the world has changed a lot.
True, not all of the changes were grand and glorious, true a few of the changes really suck - but by and large a lot of social reform has taken place to where the world IS a better place than it was three decades ago.
When I was your age, those who though gay was OK was less than 20% of the population, today its around half or more with a growing majority in support of open gay marriage and full equality.
The world is changing, albeit slowly and often with lots of flames and riots and other interesting things.
It will get better - It nearly always does.
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First time poster here. I'm a teacher and work with students your age, and I understand that it is impossible to see beyond your years at high school. Do you have someone at the high school you could talk to - a school psychologist or counselor, or would you not feel safe? Self mutilation speaks of something hurting inside, but it isn't the end of the world, either, and people work through it all the time. But being gay and feeling isolated is very hard; I've been there and so have many of us.
Is there a Gay/Straight Alliance or something similar? I'm guessing not if you feel you're the only gay guy in your school/town. But is there town nearby, maybe a larger city, with a gay youth group of some type? I'm not sure where Layton is, but once you can drive (or take a train?) gay youth groups can be vital connection points for teens like you.
You're hardly the only gay person in your town, though, and certainly if you've gotten here on the web you can see that feeling attracted to other guys isn't uncommon; that by itself should help you realize you are one of many. Though I'm new to these forums they seem very supportive. Post often, use them to communicate and ask questions. If you're reaching out here instead of reaching for the razor, then it's a step in the right direction.
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What it feels like...
