Help please!

[Thecolorinside]

Dear all,
I have been in a relationship for the last 6 years. During this time It wasnt always flowers & roses and we broke a few time for short periods of 1 / 2 months. A few months ago all started again, arguments, misunderstandings, lack of communication etc. 3 weeks ago my ex boyfriend left is pc open and I realized he was looking to move out from the house we live together with our dog. I spoke with him about it and end of a very quite and serene discussion we both agreed that despite the fact that we love and care about each other, we do not make each other happy anymore, therefore we would stay friends in future but no longer a couple. Due to the contract of the house where we are leaving, he is still leaving in my same house even if we have separate room, bathroom etc. In the last few days he started to ask me to "tell him everything"...basically in the event I'd go out to a gay bar or if I meet or decide to date somebody I must tell him. In my opinion, regardless we are no longer a couple this would still hurt him or hurt me and probably we should have sometime away from each other. He also point out that while I would go out there looking for somebody else, he currently doesnt need a man in his life now, while I do. This is impeding me to move on as it makes me feel guilty of meeting or dating other people. Am I the bad guy because I'm looking to bring some happyness in my life after months of miserable time? What else should I do? Wait for him to be ready? Thank u very much for ready, I would really appreciate ur point of view and ur advice.

[Nick9]

Just a thought. Can it be that he sees you going out with other guys and he is jealous? That he says he doesn't need another relationship because he hasn't got over you yet? Maybe seeing that you two are seriously over made him think about it and he has changed his mind but he is not sure how to tell you?

[Thecolorinside]

Hi Nick, thanks for reply. You are probably right and I don't exclude that too. On the other hand he also told that he does see me the way he use to and that the only things he needs right now is friends. We. You see, we broke up already a fews times and all the time we got back together we have found ourselves back in the exact same cul de sac of boredom and sadness. We have very different interests, we are able to spend time together in a manner that would make both happy and recently we grew apart more and more everyday. Only since we broke up, it seems like we can now speak to each other, propably because we finally spoke about the "elefant in the room". Even if he changed his mind, or even if I will change my mind in future, I still think we should try to be away from each other and try to persue a different root. I may regret this in future but I feel like we both need to try, as we both deserve to be happy. So, what if he changed his mind? What should I do then? Thx again for ur comment

[Nick9]

I don't know what you should do
I just know that if you have been living with someone for 6 year it is hard to accept that you should move on, forget, find another one and one by one get him used to all your quirks and get used to his. You know what your partner like and what he doesn't and what makes him comfortable and you don't need to ask and he doesn't need to tell you.

That can be very comforting and losing this can hurt. And if he realized this (he sees that it is getting serious, because he witnesses first hand that you have moved on and you start dating again), it maybe made him change his mind.

You must know by now that a relationship is hard work I think that the longer the relationship, the more rewarding it is. And the more meaningfull the hard work actually gets.
(I've been in a monogamous rel. for 20 years, trust me I now something about high and low )

[fenris]

Honestly I think to go seperate ways is sometimes the better alternate. Sure I don´t know you both... but what I read is stress, jealousy and so on.
From my own experiences I know if the worm is in, its really hard to live the life you want to have. I decided that peace in a relationship with a ( other ) partner is better then 30 years in dispute, jealousy, talking about restarts.... thats a never ending circle of things nobody needs.

[Rainbowmum]

I have to agree with Fenris, on the jealousy part.
Where there is jealousy there is no trust, and without trust you can't have a committed relationship.

Jealousy is a very harsh mistress to serve ,who feeds on mistrust and doubts.

As for what you should do , I really wish I could tell you, but only you know the answer to that.

[mrk2010]

Dear all,
I have been in a relationship for the last 6 years. During this time It wasnt always flowers & roses and we broke a few time for short periods of 1 / 2 months. A few months ago all started again, arguments, misunderstandings, lack of communication etc. 3 weeks ago my ex boyfriend left is pc open and I realized he was looking to move out from the house we live together with our dog. I spoke with him about it and end of a very quite and serene discussion we both agreed that despite the fact that we love and care about each other, we do not make each other happy anymore, therefore we would stay friends in future but no longer a couple. Due to the contract of the house where we are leaving, he is still leaving in my same house even if we have separate room, bathroom etc. In the last few days he started to ask me to "tell him everything"...basically in the event I'd go out to a gay bar or if I meet or decide to date somebody I must tell him. In my opinion, regardless we are no longer a couple this would still hurt him or hurt me and probably we should have sometime away from each other. He also point out that while I would go out there looking for somebody else, he currently doesnt need a man in his life now, while I do. This is impeding me to move on as it makes me feel guilty of meeting or dating other people. Am I the bad guy because I'm looking to bring some happyness in my life after months of miserable time? What else should I do? Wait for him to be ready? Thank u very much for ready, I would really appreciate ur point of view and ur advice.

Basically from what you have said you have answered your own question. The breakdown in communication, the arguments and the misunderstandings. Sometimes people just fall out of love with each other and even though they stay civil they still have this connection with each other. It's evident that the only connection which you two share is the house . . . . . It may just be my opinion but living together can't be easy for you both emotionally as the house represents what you both had together. Is there possibly anyway that one of you could move out? Or maybe find a lodger? (I understand that this may be extremely difficult.) but personally I don't think I could be in the same living space as someone I once loved didn't love me anymore. Also I really think you shouldn't feel guilty in meeting other guys, you aren't your exes property, you aren't together so feel free to meet other guys. You arent going to be able to move on until you yourself feel happy. Maybe just out of Being polite mention to your ex that you are seeing someone and maybe further down the line bringing someone back home. A 6 year relationship sometimes may seem like a long time but it really isn't.

I'm sure you can move on with your life,

mrk2010

[Nick9]

Where there is jealousy there is no trust, and without trust you can't have a committed relationship.

I agree with you that strong jealously in a relationship is not good at all.

However, they broke up and just living together right now. And in this case I wouldn't be so sure. If you are jealous, it means that you are not uninterested(?), that you still care and have feelings for the other person. Sometimes things like that will be your wake up call. And you realize you still have feelings for the other person even though you thought you didn't, and you want to work on it.

He may have reached this stage, but he can clearly see that you are already somewhere else, so he panic.

I am not sure what you, Thecolorinside, want I just try to guess what your ex partner may feel and why he behaves that way. If you know there is no going back, even if your ex is willing than it is even easier. Set boundaries, tell him you will date and bring other guys over and he need to deal with it.
If you think that you could be together again, TALK to him.

[Nick9]

A 6 year relationship sometimes may seem like a long time but it really isn't.

Mmm, really? I am sure, when you celebrate your sixth happy anniversary in the future, you will be quite proud of yourself

[mrk2010]

Mmm, really? I am sure, when you celebrate your sixth happy anniversary in the future, you will be quite proud of yourself

I meant in context throughout his life. 6 years is a relatively small period, Im trying to point out its not the end and he can go on to bigger and better things mile: