Confidence vs arrogance. What should I do?

[piscesKhM]

I have been living in the US for one year. I'm in college now. I hear that when looking for a job, having good references will help me a lot. I want to study nursing. The problem is I am an introvert although I'm not a lone wolf.

I get along with other people well. In fact, in my current Anatomy, Trigonometry, and General Chemistry classes, my classmates always give me good compliment for being nice and helpful to them. The only complaint they have is that I am often too quiet.

I'm thinking about letting my instructors recognize me; hence, when I ask them for a letter of recommendation, they will be happy to do it for me. I just don't know how to do it without feeling that I'm being arrogant.

As a Vietnamese, my parents taught me to be humble, speak as little as possible, and have actions over words. Last month, when I told them I got the highest score over my classmates in my first Anatomy exam, my parents immediately said that I could never be proud of myself. I'm only allowed to think that I'm fine or so so. Feeling proud of myself is a sign of arrogance, and that is not a virtue in Vietnamese culture. My parents also said that I should keep my mouth close all the time until someone specifically asks me. Being outspoken is unacceptable.

That was not the first time my parents told me so. I know that they don't intend to suppress my self esteem. They simply want me to revere humility to its highest.

Therefore, although I'm quite good at science and math, I don't dare to speak in class when the instructors ask question for the whole class. I did it once in my Trigonometry class when I was the only student knowing the answer to our instructor's question. I raised my hand and wait for my instructor to call me. After I gave him the correct answer, I felt good. However, I immediately felt bad after that. It was like I somehow disrespected my parents' teachings.

I admire my classmates for having the courage to speak regardless of right or wrong answers. The ones who often speak seem to have instructors' attention, and in my view they are not arrogant. They have high self esteem which is good for them. I know that introversion is my nature, but I can certainly speak up if I'm determined to do so. I just wish I could do like what my classmates do without feeling like I'm dishonoring my parents' words.

What surprises me is that my parents are very tolerant of homosexuality. They accepted me for who I am long before we settled to America.

I can see that American men are confident and outgoing, and women too. I don't often see quiet couples around my campus. They talk all the time.

It seems like extroverted people get good attention in every respect of their lives, even in relationship.

What do you think I should do? Should I get over my quietness nature and especially my parents' teaching of humility to be more outspoken?

[pellaz]

i read more good than bad in your post. When in Rome do as Romans so speak up in class every time you can and get past the humility.

[Pix]

I think the phrase "when in Rome" applies here. That means adapting to fit in where you are. I think being flexible and adaptable are very good skills to have.

That said, I don't think it's bad to be on the quiet side. It's true that people won't remember you as well as they do the extroverts, but then there's plenty the extroverts have revealed about themselves that they wish other people would forget...but many people do feel more comfortable if people share themselves by speaking up as otherwise they wonder if the quiet person is only tolerating them, not liking them, and even judging them (that is, being too quiet around others could ironically make you seem arrogant here in the USA as you might come off as seeing yourself as "too good" to talk to others). So maybe speaking up a little more (even if it's to say what you think is obvious or unnecessary) might be a good idea, if people have repeatedly said you're too quiet.

And I also see a difference between self esteem and arrogance. Self esteem is believing on one's self a good and useful person who often seeks the help of others as well as to help others. Arrogance, OTOH, is more about believing one's self superior to everyone else and not needing the help of others or needing their advice (and ironically I get the impression that many arrogant people are actually very insecure and can fall a part easily if challenged).

[piscesKhM]

Thank you guys for giving me good advice. I'll try to get over the feeling of disobedience to my parents and speak more. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm going to succeed.

I finished high school in Vietnam before coming to the US. In my high school, good manners were heavily emphasized. A student couldn't speak unless the teacher called him/her. Here I can see that whenever the instructor asks questions, students answer immediately. I know that they are not showing off. They are just eager to show their teacher what they know, and American teachers apparently don't mind because they want students' participation. My parents think that answering after the teacher is rude. They told me to raise my hand and remain silent until I was called. And I should only do that when no other students want to answer or don't have answer. They said that when I do so, I also show my respect to my classmates because I give them an opportunity to say first.

[Prometheus]

As I was born a giant killer, I can relate to your situation. The old adage rings true: Better to appear wise than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Knowing the answer to a question that a teacher proposes isn't arrogant. That's your frickin' job as a student. If the teacher is teaching, asking questions..and no one has an answer.. Well god, everyone, including him, is wasting their time in that classroom.

I don't accept anything less than straight A's from myself, but it's a personal pride thing, and it's not arrogance either. Knowing your ability and performing to such should be your expectation.

It would be different if you were, say, mocking the other kid who got it wrong when you knew the answer... Or maybe if you're the kid who raises his hand before the teacher has even finished the question... Dunno.

I suggest you go balls to the wall in class. Put those preppy boys and girls to shame. You're all there for the same reason -- you're better than them? GOOD. You'll probably end up doing great things for the world then. Worry little about your peers, who knows what their motivations even are for being in the classroom. You know yours. The future.

[Genersis]

...
but many people do feel more comfortable if people share themselves by speaking up as otherwise they wonder if the quiet person is only tolerating them, not liking them, and even judging them (that is, being too quiet around others could ironically make you seem arrogant here in the USA as you might come off as seeing yourself as "too good" to talk to others). So maybe speaking up a little more (even if it's to say what you think is obvious or unnecessary) might be a good idea, if people have repeatedly said you're too quiet.
...

Oh how many times i was accused of being arrogant or mentally retarded for not talking. Even by teachers sometimes...
*Sigh*
I still had people asking me if i was new in the last years of secondary school...

[Inchante]

What do you think I should do? Should I get over my quietness nature and especially my parents' teaching of humility to be more outspoken?

Yes, this is classic culture shock. In the United States there is a cultural focus on the individual . . . individual liberties, independence, and "rugged individualism".

There is also a tendency for those who do not standout from the crowd to be forgotten about, so an inability to be outgoing can be a deficit.

All the same, being humble is also considered a virtue in the United States, but I think how to be humble and when to be humble are different in the United States from what your parents have taught you. Here, recognizing what your talents are and taking pride in doing a good job are not considered arrogant or prideful as long as you also recognize your own shortcomings.

For instance, I know quite a bit about art, music, literature, and philosophy. That knowledge is something I take pride in, but I also realize that there is still much I do not know about each of those subjects. And, in addition, I also know that there are subjects I know very little about, such as physics, calculus, and medicine. Yet, both medicine and art are valuable parts of a society, one inspires and one heals. Being prideful and arrogant means thinking that you are better than others. If you can see that other people are as valuable as yourself, you do not need to worry about this.

I think that if you are going to remain in the United States for any period of time, you will have to learn how to adapt to the culture and perspectives of the United States. That does not mean that you have to let go of your own cultural traditions or dishonor your parents in anyway. Think of it like this, if you were to move to Alaska, you would have to wear warm clothing in order to survive the cold winters there. Here, in order to survive in a highly competitive society, you will have to make yourself standout from the crowd. That does not mean that when you are making yourself known to others in the classroom or when you are talking about your accomplishments at a job interview that you have to be anything but yourself.

[dfiant]

Feeling proud of myself is a sign of arrogance

Feeling proud of yourself is a fine quality, attractive even.

Arrogance is an unattractive quality, and a personal flaw.

Be proud of your achievements, just don't flaunt your pride, that is when it can be seen as arrogance.

YOUR QUESTION.

What do you think I should do? Should I get over my quietness nature and especially my parents' teaching of humility to be more outspoken?

YOUR ANSWER

The ones who often speak seem to have instructors' attention, and in my view they are not arrogant. They have high self esteem which is good for them.

Culture is important, but there is a time when you have to step out and become your own person with your own thoughts and beliefs, not saying that Mum and Dad are wrong, just saying that you are your own person and you must adapt and react to circumstances you find yourself in so that you can get what you deserve

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I am an introvert - nearly painfully so. In the real world I rarely speak, and I am accused often of being 'too quiet'. It is a non-issue for me today because I have my own business where excessive talking is not needed. I did work in industries were it was a liability and I was unhappy attempting to be something I am not.

Perhaps what you really should do is rethink your career path. If this is leading you down a road where you will have to be a person you do not feel you are, then you will not be happy and it will be an issue for a very long time.

In my mind there is a difference between self pride, that warm feeling one gets when they do a job well, and boastful pride - where a person is patting them self on the back and telling everyone 'Look at me, I just did awesome!'

I do not understand Vietnamese culture. Never been there, never plan on going. However from what little you said I suspect that there is a bit of confusion on the whole 'what it is to be really humble' and what it is to pretend (act) humbleness. Perhaps I am wrong, however this is the general feeling I am getting from what you wrote.

Silence is Golden... in the right situations. In class where the professor is actually keeping mental track of the students who raise their hand and answer and even ask questions (participate in class) silence is contrary to the 'work' aspect of the class.

Silence is Golden if you have nothing good to say, nothing helpful to the situation. Silence can also be deadly - especially in the medical field where a lot of medicine is still done from the gut - meaning you most likely will have certain instinctual feelings (gut reactions) to patients and their therapy and your 'must stay silent' may prevent you from actually voicing important feelings that could be the difference between a patient being healed to a patient dying.

You will need to temper the sound reasoning of being silent with knowing when to open your mouth.

[piscesKhM]

Yes, this is classic culture shock. In the United States there is a cultural focus on the individual . . . individual liberties, independence, and "rugged individualism".

Yes, I do know about this. Actually, unlike many immigrants, I'm not culturally shocked. In the first few months, I couldn't tell the difference between self confidence and arrogance. Now I know the difference. It's just that it's not easy to be as confident as other Americans. Suppose that my parents didn't tell me to be humble, I wouldn't be as outgoing as other people. Partially, it's not in my nature.

There is also a tendency for those who do not standout from the crowd to be forgotten about, so an inability to be outgoing can be a deficit.

Does this happen in a relationship as well?

All the same, being humble is also considered a virtue in the United States, but I think how to be humble and when to be humble are different in the United States from what your parents have taught you. Here, recognizing what your talents are and taking pride in doing a good job are not considered arrogant or prideful as long as you also recognize your own shortcomings.

For instance, I know quite a bit about art, music, literature, and philosophy. That knowledge is something I take pride in, but I also realize that there is still much I do not know about each of those subjects. And, in addition, I also know that there are subjects I know very little about, such as physics, calculus, and medicine. Yet, both medicine and art are valuable parts of a society, one inspires and one heals. Being prideful and arrogant means thinking that you are better than others. If you can see that other people are as valuable as yourself, you do not need to worry about this.

Now you mention this. A few classmates in my Trigonometry class asked me this question when we studied together in a group, "Are you good at math?" I didn't know how to answer it properly. Before the first day of class started, I bought the textbook, read page by page, and did all the exercises that I could. Besides, I have a good foundation in math when I was in Vietnam. Hence, when my instructor explained in class, it was like a review to me. While many other students struggle with the concept and homework, I was able to breeze through the assignments.

My parents told me that even though I am truly good at something, I have to say I'm so so. They said that saying "I'm good at something" has an implication of being prideful, and that deserved to be frowned upon. Therefore, I answered to my classmates, "I'm all right with math". After a few sessions, my classmates give me compliments about how good at Trigonometry I am, and how helpful I am to them. Honestly, I wasn't sure how I should feel about their compliments. They are American born, so being good is simply a fact of being competent for something. Nevertheless, Vietnamese people at my parents' generation interpret being good as pride and arrogance.

I think that if you are going to remain in the United States for any period of time, you will have to learn how to adapt to the culture and perspectives of the United States. That does not mean that you have to let go of your own cultural traditions or dishonor your parents in anyway. Think of it like this, if you were to move to Alaska, you would have to wear warm clothing in order to survive the cold winters there. Here, in order to survive in a highly competitive society, you will have to make yourself standout from the crowd. That does not mean that when you are making yourself known to others in the classroom or when you are talking about your accomplishments at a job interview that you have to be anything but yourself.

I really appreciate your advice. I'm working on my adaption. It's strange that my parents are not very traditional. I guess that's why they are able to accept that I'm gay. However, they are extremely strict about good manners and virtues. I hope they'll eventually change their attitude about American people. They study part-time in college, and they perceived American students as being arrogant, loud, obnoxious, greedy, selfish, etc. The only compliment I hear from my parents is that American people are much more benevolent toward animals.