Its never too late....
03-21-2012, 11:34 PM
Hi All,
Yesterday i was meaning to get on but felt kinda low spirited and tired so didnt but the reason behind it was that yesterday I went to London to some pet food show thing where traders turn up and meet the various companies as my mum sells this stuff and during conversation we talked about my dad and how we were going into refuge because of my sisters father (my step dad).
I cant really remember how because it happenned so quick but my mum told me that he hasnt died yet and she asked me why he says to my sister How is your brother doing? Did you tell him im sorry?... I revealed the truth... I dont know how but it came out in one go and i couldnt stop once i had begun and told my mum i was abused by this guy physically and mentally every time her back was turned... I revealed to my mum that when she was out the anger and fustration he had at being an alcoholic he took out on me and beat me til i had to beg him to stop despite that not working.
I broke down in tears in the car as i told my mum that many a night i would be listening to him hit you and then after he finished with you i knew my turn for beatings was next.. I told my mum how as a six year old boy at my nans i was sent to get a drill i didnt understand the name of and because he didnt get the right one he threatened me with a beating if i didnt get it in ten minutes and told her how i saw him coming round the corner from my nans and hid...
I told my mum how he dragged me out by my hair from my hiding place, dragged me upto my room and then raised his fists not once or twice but ten or twenty times... I told her wasnt you suprised that day you came back and found my nintendo and television both broken??? She said yes but he told me you done it in a temper... I told her no.... He beat me so hard behind your back i was left with cuts in my head... The nintendo and television he broke because he decided that beatings wasnt enough punishment... My mum burst into tears and kept saying im sorry... l told her not to be stupid and dont blame yourself because you werent to know.. I told her that i couldnt tell her as a child because i didnt want to be beaten but i also wanted him gone out of our home.. I told her this is the reason why i didnt want to live in that house any longer even as an adult than i had to because the rooms i would enter would bring back memories of where i was thrown, which wall i smashed my head against, which door i had slammed on my arm, and the list goes on...
I then revealed the true event aged 10... I told my mum wasnt it any wonder i ran front of the car that hit me at 40MPH?? I didnt want to exist or live... I told her i got shit first thing in the morning when you wasnt well and stayed in bed so id got a beating for just being in bed five minutes longer than ment to be, Id go to school and endure six hours of bullying and then come home to more beatings.. I told my mum i was nothing more than a punch bag.. A punch bag that wanted my father to save me and help me out of this destruction. A punch bag which would defend his son in more ways than his father is defending him.... This shouldnt be too much to ask but no... My father gave me and my brother up when we were two and fourteen months old... He saw us as a failure and when he comes back aged 12 he thinks all is going good. Thats bollocks as he fucked off again aged 14 and you wonder why I hate my father so much??? He owes me alot more than a poxy £150 birthday and xmas money... I told my mum there is so many times i want to phone him and say keep your 150 quid shove it towards your funeral cost because a body bag is the best place for you in life because me as your son... Im not the failure... You are as a father you think with your dick and fuck off afterwards..
I said to my mum you wonder why i had a temper on me as a kid??? I told her why i revealed in fustration i took my anger out on my toys because it wasnt until i was so much older i realised that that fat ugly monster my sister has to call dad was turning me into an agressive person and told my mum that i hated it and hated destroying all the good id done because i would get really upset.. I told my mum you remember when i was eight years old I wanted to be adopted... She said yes and that upset me big time.. I told her I wanted to be adopted because i felt unloved and just thought whats the intitial point of living here??? Of course i used to leave home many times and come back but i had no choice... She asked me why i didnt tell anyone.. I told her I did tell someone and she failed... I told my nan... She allowed this monster to keep going on at me, keep beating me and all she would say is.... Tell your teacher... Looking back on it i told my mum even the teachers saw me as a problem child... School reports of anger issues and isolation stating my productivity isnt good.. I told my mum isnt it no wonder i suffered shit educational grades??? I may never get to the high place in life with mega cash but i gotta start somewhere..
I told my mum that all my school work she had stored for me til last year I set fire to three weeks ago... She said why??? I replied because it was all negative... Pointless meaningless pictures nothing of happiness and every fathers day i had to make a Happy fathers day card to a dad i never knew and i set fire to them all.. I told her my baby book she bought me i set fire to along with my first hair clippings because it is all bad... My childhood was filled with badness and as an adult I want justice.. I want that fat ugly alcoholic twat to die on his own vomit... I told my mum for what his put me through i know its not nice but i want him to feel his liver collapse inside and feel the pain it causes because the pain that causes doesnt even make up 1% of the pain he caused.... It doesnt even make up for the friends i lost because he would be little me and mentally/physically abuse me infront of my friends and now before he dies he wants an apology...
My mum said what about if he spoke to you face to face?? I told my mum donty bother because id tell him... Hope you burn in hell and the day you die ill fill your coffin with nothing more than the shit you gave me to take to your grave not mine!
After some thought last night and more tears i reflected on my day and thought that admitting you being abused at 27 is just as hard as admitting you are gay.. If there is any other member who has had history in this way i would encourage for your peace of mind settle the books and open up to your parents if in situation i was in... Why??? B ecause since telling my mum about the abuse that ended 15 years ago i feel free now i feel i am now out of the darkness ive been in and for once im seeing the light of freedom and as an adult that monster wont put me back in the dark because im waiting for nature to put him in the dark alot longer than he put me in the dark and im sure it wont be that long as his in a rest bite clinic for alcoholics
Kindest regards
Aunty Zeon
p.s Somewhere in life experiences like this made me realise the bad side of my anger i had and somehow ive managed to turn it around so i can be caring...
Yesterday i was meaning to get on but felt kinda low spirited and tired so didnt but the reason behind it was that yesterday I went to London to some pet food show thing where traders turn up and meet the various companies as my mum sells this stuff and during conversation we talked about my dad and how we were going into refuge because of my sisters father (my step dad).
I cant really remember how because it happenned so quick but my mum told me that he hasnt died yet and she asked me why he says to my sister How is your brother doing? Did you tell him im sorry?... I revealed the truth... I dont know how but it came out in one go and i couldnt stop once i had begun and told my mum i was abused by this guy physically and mentally every time her back was turned... I revealed to my mum that when she was out the anger and fustration he had at being an alcoholic he took out on me and beat me til i had to beg him to stop despite that not working.
I broke down in tears in the car as i told my mum that many a night i would be listening to him hit you and then after he finished with you i knew my turn for beatings was next.. I told my mum how as a six year old boy at my nans i was sent to get a drill i didnt understand the name of and because he didnt get the right one he threatened me with a beating if i didnt get it in ten minutes and told her how i saw him coming round the corner from my nans and hid...
I told my mum how he dragged me out by my hair from my hiding place, dragged me upto my room and then raised his fists not once or twice but ten or twenty times... I told her wasnt you suprised that day you came back and found my nintendo and television both broken??? She said yes but he told me you done it in a temper... I told her no.... He beat me so hard behind your back i was left with cuts in my head... The nintendo and television he broke because he decided that beatings wasnt enough punishment... My mum burst into tears and kept saying im sorry... l told her not to be stupid and dont blame yourself because you werent to know.. I told her that i couldnt tell her as a child because i didnt want to be beaten but i also wanted him gone out of our home.. I told her this is the reason why i didnt want to live in that house any longer even as an adult than i had to because the rooms i would enter would bring back memories of where i was thrown, which wall i smashed my head against, which door i had slammed on my arm, and the list goes on...
I then revealed the true event aged 10... I told my mum wasnt it any wonder i ran front of the car that hit me at 40MPH?? I didnt want to exist or live... I told her i got shit first thing in the morning when you wasnt well and stayed in bed so id got a beating for just being in bed five minutes longer than ment to be, Id go to school and endure six hours of bullying and then come home to more beatings.. I told my mum i was nothing more than a punch bag.. A punch bag that wanted my father to save me and help me out of this destruction. A punch bag which would defend his son in more ways than his father is defending him.... This shouldnt be too much to ask but no... My father gave me and my brother up when we were two and fourteen months old... He saw us as a failure and when he comes back aged 12 he thinks all is going good. Thats bollocks as he fucked off again aged 14 and you wonder why I hate my father so much??? He owes me alot more than a poxy £150 birthday and xmas money... I told my mum there is so many times i want to phone him and say keep your 150 quid shove it towards your funeral cost because a body bag is the best place for you in life because me as your son... Im not the failure... You are as a father you think with your dick and fuck off afterwards..
I said to my mum you wonder why i had a temper on me as a kid??? I told her why i revealed in fustration i took my anger out on my toys because it wasnt until i was so much older i realised that that fat ugly monster my sister has to call dad was turning me into an agressive person and told my mum that i hated it and hated destroying all the good id done because i would get really upset.. I told my mum you remember when i was eight years old I wanted to be adopted... She said yes and that upset me big time.. I told her I wanted to be adopted because i felt unloved and just thought whats the intitial point of living here??? Of course i used to leave home many times and come back but i had no choice... She asked me why i didnt tell anyone.. I told her I did tell someone and she failed... I told my nan... She allowed this monster to keep going on at me, keep beating me and all she would say is.... Tell your teacher... Looking back on it i told my mum even the teachers saw me as a problem child... School reports of anger issues and isolation stating my productivity isnt good.. I told my mum isnt it no wonder i suffered shit educational grades??? I may never get to the high place in life with mega cash but i gotta start somewhere..
I told my mum that all my school work she had stored for me til last year I set fire to three weeks ago... She said why??? I replied because it was all negative... Pointless meaningless pictures nothing of happiness and every fathers day i had to make a Happy fathers day card to a dad i never knew and i set fire to them all.. I told her my baby book she bought me i set fire to along with my first hair clippings because it is all bad... My childhood was filled with badness and as an adult I want justice.. I want that fat ugly alcoholic twat to die on his own vomit... I told my mum for what his put me through i know its not nice but i want him to feel his liver collapse inside and feel the pain it causes because the pain that causes doesnt even make up 1% of the pain he caused.... It doesnt even make up for the friends i lost because he would be little me and mentally/physically abuse me infront of my friends and now before he dies he wants an apology...
My mum said what about if he spoke to you face to face?? I told my mum donty bother because id tell him... Hope you burn in hell and the day you die ill fill your coffin with nothing more than the shit you gave me to take to your grave not mine!
After some thought last night and more tears i reflected on my day and thought that admitting you being abused at 27 is just as hard as admitting you are gay.. If there is any other member who has had history in this way i would encourage for your peace of mind settle the books and open up to your parents if in situation i was in... Why??? B ecause since telling my mum about the abuse that ended 15 years ago i feel free now i feel i am now out of the darkness ive been in and for once im seeing the light of freedom and as an adult that monster wont put me back in the dark because im waiting for nature to put him in the dark alot longer than he put me in the dark and im sure it wont be that long as his in a rest bite clinic for alcoholics
Kindest regards
Aunty Zeon
p.s Somewhere in life experiences like this made me realise the bad side of my anger i had and somehow ive managed to turn it around so i can be caring...
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