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too late
#1
I feel like I've wasted my life, I know I'm still pretty young but for years I just stayed in the closet. I didn't want to upset anyone, I didn't want the drama of possibly being outed. I wasted so much time, so many opportunities to live. I'm in my 30's and only had one very short sexual experience, I wanted to post this anonymously because I still feel ashamed to admit it even though I don't know anyone here irl. I got so good at lying I can remember exactly what I told each individual I've ever lied to. Even when I talked to my therapist I hid a lot, I didn't tell her about all times I came close to ending my life or that I started to harm myself. It was a virtual therapy session and i knew that meant I would have to psychically come in for sessions increasing the possibility of someone finding out.

A friend of mine who is a spiritual person once told me that he see's that I always come close to where I want to be in life but I am just out of reach of it and that stuck with me for a while. I feel like I've missed the best parts of life, a time when I should have been out exploring and finding out who I am. The regrets keep piling up but I never find myself in a situation to use what I've learned. Now I feel like it's too late to start, I mean who's going to agree to see someone who's first real date came in their 30's. I've lost motivation to do anything, most of my days off I just spend curled up on the couch watching tv. I just really waned to get this off my chest, I don't mean to be a burden on anyone, I just don't have anyone else to talk to.
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#2
You are not burdening anyone, and I hope you feel better expressing yourself here.

You say that you feel like you've wasted your life, you are the only one who can change that. Baby steps.

Is it possible for you to join an online group for people like you? Maybe a search on support groups for introverts? Perhaps once you start socializing that way, you'll be more willing to go out and socialize with people in person.
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#3
You'r not a burden. That is what GS is for to talk to each other and be a community. Don't feel ashamed and we are here for you. I am always here for anyone who needs to talk that includes you.

Bighug
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#4
There's no shame in admitting what you've said. I don't think anyone here is going to judge you for that. We are all unique and have differing levels of life experience.

If you're in your 30's you still have loads of time to find and explore new experiences, even if it doesn't feel like that for you right now. It's really never too late to start. You don't have to let your past dictate or dampen your future potential.

Motivation can ebb and flow, so don't be too hard on yourself. I think we are all guilty of overthinking things at times, especially when we feel particularly low in self esteem. We can forget to just be ourselves and enjoy and live life.

Take things one step at a time, as @CellarDweller says. Maybe prioritise one or two things that are attainable in the short term, and set yourself some targets. Ticking off boxes of completed tasks can be an inspiration and motivator. Focus your energies on one thing at a time, and try not to let the big picture snowball in your mind and put you off.

If it helps, I felt the same as you at one point in my life. A lack of emotional support growing up, and acute shyness (which still haunts me) kept me in the closet much longer than I should have been. I felt like I'd missed out on a big chunk of my life too. I had to make a few changes and adjustments in my life, one step at a time, some of which felt pretty drastic at the time, but I have no regrets looking back now.

And you can unburden yourself and think out loud anytime here on the forum, that's what it's for at times

Bighug
<<<<I'm just consciousness having a human experience>>>>
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#5
No. You are not too late. You are simply starting at a different time. There are absolutely no rules in this experience. You are here now and that is what counts.

This forum is the perfect place to ask questions, have random thoughts and to get answers from people who are also searching. Make yourself at home. The rest of us are glad to welcome a fellow traveler.
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#6
Well I am guessing you're probably less good at lying than you believe, except perhaps to yourself. People go along with the story because they know you are not comfortable with yourself and your sexuality and hence you have chosen to be in the closet in more ways than one. It's not uncommon. Likewise your therapist knows there's stuff you are hiding but is meeting you where you are now.

Your generation seems to be slower to develop conversational / social / life skills than other generations, because so many interactions are filtered through technology, which was not the case for older generations. So really you are not so far behind as you might think with respect to your peers. Maybe a little later, but not too late.

I've met guys who came out in their 60s. Now that was really missing out. Call yourself a late bloomer and get on with really living. I don't know anyone who thought their 20s were the best time in their lives. But most everyone thought it was a helluva lot better than the teen years. Most everyone thought their 30s were better than their 20s.

Regrets are only useful as motivation to take a different approach now. No reward without risk. Take some chances, make some mistakes, learn to laugh at your foibles, make changes as needed, and there you have it, you'll find you're  living your life, not perfectly, but more authentically.
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#7
(06-14-2020, 10:33 PM)Anonymous Wrote: I feel like I've wasted my life, I know I'm still pretty young but for years I just stayed in the closet. I didn't want to upset anyone, I didn't want the drama of possibly being outed. I wasted so much time, so many opportunities to live. I'm in my 30's and only had one very short sexual experience, I wanted to post this anonymously because I still feel ashamed to admit it even though I don't know anyone here irl. I got so good at lying I can remember exactly what I told each individual I've ever lied to. Even when I talked to my therapist I hid a lot, I didn't tell her about all times I came close to ending my life or that I started to harm myself. It was a virtual therapy session and i knew that meant I would have to psychically come in for sessions increasing the possibility of someone finding out.

A friend of mine who is a spiritual person once told me that he see's that I always come close to where I want to be in life but I am just out of reach of it and that stuck with me for a while. I feel like I've missed the best parts of life, a time when I should have been out exploring and finding out who I am. The regrets keep piling up but I never find myself in a situation to use what I've learned. Now I feel like it's too late to start, I mean who's going to agree to see someone who's first real date came in their 30's. I've lost motivation to do anything, most of my days off I just spend curled up on the couch watching tv. I just really waned to get this off my chest, I don't mean to be a burden on anyone, I just don't have anyone else to talk to.

You know, I often feel the same way. I feel like I was late to start. I really don't want to go in about myself, I've made my rant threads about my bankruptcy and how I basically feel like a piece of garbage. Perhaps more appropriate to say that guys would have to look past a lot of flaws to not run away. I have had had a few brushes with suicide although I've managed to not go there for some time and likewise prefer not to get into that frame of mind.

As far as sex. I'm not experienced at all. I have dated a lot of guys since my 20's most run off before it goes to that point. I know I'm terrible at sex and it sucks wanting it and dreading it because there's a good chance I'll never hear that guy again despite warning them ahead of time. Seems people aren't patient, of course you have to keep in mind what their motive is.

That's enough about me. I'm also in my 30's. There is no limit as to when you can start living your life. Guys who would want to date you and like you and actually want something that isn't just isn't just a hookup aren't going to give a shit when or if you had sex. Trust me, if they really like you, that won't matter. The reason why it appears to matter is that most of the guys just want sex, or make it the main focus in their relationships.

Not being motivated... That is something I feel a lot myself. Start with something small. Not sure where you are and what is available to you, but get outdoors. Go to a park, go for a walk. Not only will you not be bored you will actually feel better.

That being said. You are the only person who can make change in your life. You are in charge of how you feel. You are in charge of your own emotions. Read that and understand what I'm saying. If something makes you feel a certain way, good or bad, what changed your emotional state? Was it the thing or was it you? The point it is to become more aware of your emotions and to be more aware of your thoughts and their connections to your emotions. The more aware you are about these things you will feel better. Don't worry about those things.

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I do not take medication for it because I don't like feeling like a zombie. The more that I let go of thoughts like "I'll never meet anyone" or "I'm too fat and unattractive" or "Nobody wants to date me because..." the better I feel. There's no reason to be upset that a particular guy doesn't want to date me, they might have been a damn disaster in my life, they might also be an abusive asshole. Why feel bad about avoiding all the dumpster fires?

Being in your 30's doesn't mean its over or that you are supposed to be in some particular spot in life. I'm not where I wanted or expected to be. If I go by what "society" expects I should have a wife (lol), two kids, a dog an a picket fence. *snore*

Embrace who you are, learn to love yourself a little and give yourself some room. Probably advice I should take myself. Realize you're not a lone, there's guys in their 50's who are figuring out who they are and what they want. Life is a constant learning process, we never perfect it.
"I’m not expecting to grow flowers in a desert, but I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime"
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#8
I made a thank you post yesterday but I think I deleted it on accident. Anyway, I wanted to thank you all for your words of encouragement, I've just been so tired of feeling stuck. I'm hoping to find the push I need in the right direction.
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