discernment

[ceed]

Hi, I am new here and am looking for some other people's thoughts on what I have been going through. I am nearly 30 years old and am on a quest to become more comfortable with myself and fully realize just who I am.

I do not identify as being gay, although I have some very strong tendencies that lean that way and have for years. I always liked girls when I was very young, but around 14 I started noticing guys. It got to where I checked out the guys in school much more than the girls, although I still liked them too. Then in college it got even more intense, because there were several guys there that were in excellent shape and were very hot. I would get all flustered, start feeling "tingly" in the right places, and long to be with those guys. Girls, even the hottest ones, did not and still do not illicit the same feelings within me and most of them come off as kinda bitchy to me anymore.

Now, I am not all about physicality. When I was 23, a guy transferred into my place of work from another location within our company. I immediately noticed him because I thought he was really cute. Soon thereafter, I made every effort to talk to him and we became friends. I bought 2 tickets to a sporting event and asked him to go with me and he did. We bonded emotionally, although there was never anything physical with it. I should also mention that he is straight and had a girlfriend at the time and still does. Our conversation always centered around our work and family lives, never anything along gay/relationship lines (except he told me about his gf). I remember sitting next to him at the arena and wanting to hug/hold him close to me SOOOO badly, but of course I never did. The point is, the longing was there and I never felt that way about any of the girls i had crushed on.

He was transferred again (promotion) and I haven't seen him since, although we message on FB every once in a while. During that time I even displayed a picture on my desk of the two of us together, which my dad (I still lived at home) expressed concern to my mom about without my knowledge. I immediately took it down and felt ashamed of myself. I distanced myself from my friend after that fearing that my parents (particularly my dad) would think something was up. My mom told me that he asked her "don't you think it's strange that he doesn't like girls" because I don't date and she said that I do, which I do to a certain extent. He also asked her "don't you find it odd that he has a pic of a guy on his desk?" He never once talked with me about this, but she told me that I needed to put a pic of a girl on my desk one day, which prompted me to ask if he had said something. I explained the pic away to her as wanting to remember a happy, stress-free evening (It was taken at the game we went to) that happened in the midst of a very stressful time (I was in my last year of grad school and was stressed ALL the time). She seemed to buy it.

I actually met a girl that I was very attracted to on an emotional level after that, but we never hit it off as anything more than friends and she has since moved out of town. I said that if anything didn't happen with her then it was my last chance of having a straight relationship. I have not met any other guys since then, but I think about them all the time and really long for a real, loving relationship. I now watch gay porn for sexual relief and find solace in a crush on a male movie star for emotional relief (sad, i know).

I am basically trying to discern if I am truly gay or not. It is very difficult because virtually NO one that I know would be accepting of this. I've never had a girlfriend and the closest I've come to going out with someone was the game with my friend I described earlier (we also did that about 4 or 5 more times and went out to eat a couple times too). There is no one I can speak with about this. It's just too scary and there is too much at stake.

What do you think of all this? Sorry to go on and on, and I really glossed over things (believe it or not!) but I'd like some opinions on this. Thanks.

[zeon]

hello there,
Firstly may i welcome you to the forum.. Now the situation your in i would say that it could be bi curious however the potential to be gay is an option on the cards because of things that you had placed... I would maybe suggest trying things with a guy and see where they go and see how you feel with a girl and if your happier with a male you may find that the tendency may be something worth looking after.. With regards to families families are bloody stupid in my option and that includes mine because you feel like you cannot admit yourself however if you are set up in life and have your own place then there is no harm in admitting something leastr that will shut ya dad up to be honest... Being gay isnt a choice and if you are gay and he asks why you chose to be gay ask him why he chose to be straight??? I have a situation like this with my brother who tells me that i am able to shag a woman and i say based on your fact then your able to screw a man??? Of course he declines and gets all snotty but to be honest we are what we are at the end of the day

Kindest regards

Aunty Zeon xc

[spencer]

I think I understand very much what you are talking about. I often times identify as gay although when people ask I usually say something like "depends on the day." I always seek men when I'm looking for a relationship. There have been women that I have been very much attracted to and you could even say in love with. However, it's much easier for me to be emotionally and sexually attracted to men than it is women. I am also imcapable of enjoying any porn that doesn't involve only men.

I think we spend a lot of time contemplating our sexuality and I have spent a LOT of time thinking about who I am, what I like, what to call myself and after hours and hours of thought (hoping that makes me credible) I have come to the conclusion that we don't need to think too much about it. We like who like it doesn't have to be called anything. I don't want to sound like I'm saying we need to drop terms like gay, bi, straight, etc, because that would complicate things, but really what I'm trying to say is these things are all kinda on a spectrum, like the Kinsey-scale I suppose.

Hope my ramble can be of some use to you. I've spent several years putting thought in to but I've never actually had the opportuniy to put it in words.

[azulai]

I usually recommend that porn be taken out of the picture in trying to figure "things" out. Men are visually simulated and the money shot serves its intended purpose. There are gay men who don't engage in anal sex, does that make them less gay? I don't think so.

Your parents are using basic behavior modification to get their desired outcome. It doesn't matter how old you are, recognize it for what it is. I hope you take their opinion out of it and advocate for your happiness, sanity and quality of life. Parents have to grow and evolve and learn right along with us children.

Labels are a convenience but its just certain people trying to fit everyone in nice little tight boxes. :biggrin: Some of us don't like boxes, some of us don't like other people defining us, and some of us see control techniques for what they are.

I think studies are showing that sexuality is a bit more complicated than what we've been led to believe. I tend to think of things in terms of a lever, a spectrum and a fluidity. Don't let others define you. Educate your parents. Share articles, challenge blind religious views, discuss political issues and share your views whatever they are. Why be quiet? Why hide a photograph that is a treasured memory?

So having said all that load of crap above , I can't give you an opinion on how you identify. That's your journey of discovery and I hope you embrace it, enjoy it and have some fun with it. So many of us torture ourselves and in the end all the denial doesn't change what you've known all along.

I will tell you about myself. It took me quite a while to utter the word gay, to accept it, and to refer to myself as gay. I still don't and probably never will accept or label myself using the word queer. mile: I rebel against people telling me what to do or believe. It took me a lot of internal struggle from just wanting people to see me to identifying with the with word gay. What helped me was getting to know some very happy and strong gay role models here.

It makes a difference seeing and getting to know gay men in healthy relationships, men who are happy they are gay, and living (extra)ordinary lives. Well, they made an impact on me... because I strongly identify as male and not media-stereotypical gay, so growing up it added to my turmoil because of my preconceived and erroneous notion of what 'gay' was. I saw no potential of just how wonderful 'gay' could be. But, I knew how I felt inside. Emotionally and sexually I'm only tuned-in and turned-on by other men. I knew who I was checking out. It was really quite simple.

It was difficult owning me and who I was. It was scary to be honest with my parents but I couldn't be happier now.

I will tell you, that in my opinion, your problem is not whether or not you are gay but the amount of control you are letting your parents have on your life. If you work on that, the other issue will probably answer itself.

Good luck on your journey!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You and about twelve million other individuals at this time are having this same conflict on Earth. I'm using the low end 2-3% scale of estimates of how many are homos and lesbians. I'm not including the bisexuals, transsexuals and others. If in fact it is as high as 10 or 15% then tack on tens of millions more, perhaps 100 million or so in the same boat of conflict you are in.

Most, not all, gay individuals (Bisexual, Lesbian, Transgendered, perhaps the Pan sexuals too) go through this internal conflict of 'I don't want to be gay (LGBT whatever) when I grow up because mommy and daddy will hate me'.

I have news for you if your parents hate you for your sexuality they already hate you for a plethora of other reasons. Your best bet is to put as much distance between you and them as possible. Not only will it save you lots of grief, it is also the respectful/honorable thing to do. Killing one's parents is still illegal in most places.

You're nearly 30 and are unhappy in your life as things stand. You had a one-sided lover's relationship with a guy this is unrequited love, and is worse than having a lover who beats you daily for no reason at all. At least the abuser is showing you that he cares and has emotions for you.

You are nearly 30 and allowing what your parents think to decide your happiness, to decide your life, to decide if you keep tilting at windmills and find that one woman who will make you straight (no such beast exist). You can deny it, you can spend your life being miserable - its a free country.

However eventually its all going to turn around and bite you. There are plenty of middle aged married straight men with kids who missed their calling to be gay and in gay relationship who now lurk and do things like cheat on their wives, post lies on internet sites 'Bi curios straight man ISO discreet first time encounters with men' Liar, they had encounters, tones of encounters, they are just so deep in their denial about being a homo that they play this game to 'save face'.

Their ads should truthfully read 'Unhappy gay man who made the mistake of marrying a woman and getting into a situation I am unable to fix, please fuck me to make me feel better for about ten minutes.'

Is that what you want? Do you want to be the creepy 'straight' guy who is married with kids hiding from himself, his wife and pretending to be 'straight' while going out to get shagged by random men who most likely are carrying such things as herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis and AIDS? You want to be a toe tapping senator? A self hating homophobe who stands at the pulpit condemning homosexuals while on weekends tweaking and having sex with male prostitutes?

You put that picture on your desk because it did indeed remind you of a happy, stress free time with a person you loved. That is the reason, the whole reason. You were honest right there. You want to be happy - we all want to be happy. You want love and to love, most of us want to love and be loved.

It didn't say 'Hey I'm gay, come ridicule me Dad!' - It didn't say 'Hey my sexuality is your concern parents, come beat be about the head with it.' It said 'I was happy for a moment, and I want to remember that happy moment.'

Your choice is not 'Am I gay' That is a dead, resolved issue - you know that.

[Nick9]

You had a one-sided lover's relationship with a guy this is unrequited love, and is worse than having a lover who beats you daily for no reason at all. At least the abuser is showing you that he cares and has emotions for you.

I know I wrote just two days ago that I didn't yell at people, but honestly WTF, Bowyn Aerrow?!

How can you post something like this without detailed explanation when you know how easily the posts on the web can be misunderstood? With your life experiences, really, what's got into you today?
How many people who get abused in their relationship think that the abuser is not actually that bad and that they very well may deserve the beating?
What message are you trying to give them?! This part of your post is utter b* if you ask me. I had spent long time getting my friend out of an abusive marriage. God forbid if she came across you post at that time...

[Rainbowmum]

Hi Ceed welcome to G.S

If I had to make a wild guess , I would say you are Bi.
That being said , you and you alone will know the answer.

Finding your true sexuality is a long very honest process .
Self acceptance is the goal you need to reach for.
If you can accept yourself for who you are , the battle is won.

This is your journey , follow your heart.

[ceed]

Thank you all for the responses. I appreciate it and would love to hear more if others read this and have thoughts on it, or if any of you who have responded have more to say.

The picture on my desk did remind me of a happier time until I found out my dad thought it was weird. My mom did not think it was because she knew that I enjoyed myself that night. I do not think she thought there were gay undertones to it. I have allowed my dad to control me in many ways and now that I am older there is a lot of resentment built up in me about that. We have always had and still have a pretty close relationship, and he is not the overbearing, domineering type, but he'll say or do things like that (again, he didn't even speak with me about it, he spoke with mom and she mentioned it to me) and it's just that subtle kind of control that he probably doesn't even perceive that way. That is something I'm trying to break free of, but it is difficult to break away entirely because of some other issues pertaining to health and finances which I help out with quite a bit.

The guy that I went out with is no longer really a part of my life. I don't even feel that spark toward him like I did before, but I remember how strong it was. I really did love him on so many levels.

I should note that this is somewhat of a religious quandry for me as well. My family has never been overly religious, but we got back into church a few years ago. That is where I met the girl I referred to in my last post. My feelings toward organized religion have changed a lot in the last year or so as I've struggled with this and other unrelated issues with it. I've prayed extensively about this and have finally just said that I don't know what to believe because there are so many compelling arguments on both sides of the fence. I do feel that I did NOT choose this and that it has happened very naturally within me. God knows my heart and that's all that's important.

Thanks again for the responses and please keep them coming!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I know I wrote just two days ago that I didn't yell at people, but honestly WTF, Bowyn Aerrow?!

How can you post something like this without detailed explanation when you know how easily the posts on the web can be misunderstood? With your life experiences, really, what's got into you today?
How many people who get abused in their relationship think that the abuser is not actually that bad and that they very well may deserve the beating?
What message are you trying to give them?! This part of your post is utter b* if you ask me. I had spent long time getting my friend out of an abusive marriage. God forbid if she came across you post at that time...

I was using analogy, one of the worst possible relationships out there is an abusive one.

My point was that unrequited love is worse than being abused.

I thought it was clear that that was my meaning. Rereading what I wrote I still see it that way.

[East]

My point was that unrequited love is worse than being abused.

That is entirely subjective...I would have to disagree. Having experienced both I would choose unrequited love every time...the abuse will never happen again...to me...in my life. On the other hand I quite enjoy my unrequited love for Milla Jovovich.