Flashback

[Anonymous]

I had a flash back to august 10th 2009. That night i was wild. I couldnt take being gay or closeted i was so stressed and so hollow--- I decided to have sex. for the first time ever. i was ridiculous that night. i was so frisky and horny. soo i made up my mind. I went to the lowest of the low craiglist and posted an ad. many people replied and i just picked one out, told him to come pick me up at a street and that was that. It was so dangerous and so insane that night. it was hot i remember. just after a night thunderstorm. humid as fuck, and the air was heavy. a man picked me up at the bridge in a white chevy. and he kept smiling at me. i was 19 and he was 26. The first man i had ever gotten into a car with. i didnt know shit about him. But a part of me knew i was free game to him, and he wouldnt care how i looked underneath as long as he got off. he stopped at a gas station and bought condoms and we chatted about his job and whatnot. when i got to his place he turned on some porn and said he was going to shower. I sat on the couch listening to this gay porn in an apartment i was never in before. I was terrified. but at the same time i was completely thrilled. he came out of the shower dressed and he sat with me in the couch and we snuggled. That was the first time i ever cuddled with someone. i loved it...
then who knows how much time passed but he turned off the lights and he began to undress me. he was delicate because it was his first time too (so he claimed) and within seconds he had touched me in my lower region. and i felt like i was going to throw up. but i didnt. he was the first man who ever touched me down below and i was in heaven. he blew me and then he let me top him. i was in some sort of empty trance while i did it with him, i was gentle but i felt myself start losing control. i wanted to go deeper and faster. it felt soooo----i cant desribe it. but the smell---the smeel was horrid. ill never forget it. the smell of sweat-cigs- and cheap cologne. it made me feel so dirty. and then i remembered him. the one that i loved. the one i had grown tired of waiting for. the one who made me do all of this. ugh, how the hell do you forget about a mistake like this? this little memory ruined my day. bleh. i feel filthy again.

[Pix]

I know more or less how you feel. 12 years ago, when I was 17, I did something stupid. Not exactly what you did or why you did it, but I used sex and it was childish, reckless, stupid, short sighted, and petty. Other than to say it was legal (though it was very wrong) I don't wish to say what it was because it's one of the very few things that makes me feel shame. Sometimes, even after several months of not recalling it at all, something will remind me of it and the emotions are sometimes intense, sometimes I even feel self loathing. Luckily, the "flashback" if you want to call it that does pass a lot faster than it used to and comes less frequently, but I still can't recall it without remorse.

What's really frustrating is I'd easily forgive it in someone else, especially if it was a one time thing in one's teen years that was never repeated and deeply regretted. But for some reason I can't seem to give myself the same break I'd give someone else. :frown:

On the up side, remorse like that are what keep me on the straight and narrow as well as making me sympathetic when others make their own mistakes such as sharing what you did here.

[Gizzie]

I have done a lot of stuff i should be regretting, but for some reason I never feel remorse over it.
Maybe that's why I am labeled with a personality disorder and other people aren't.

[pellaz]

just keep in mind it was not like you wern't trying your best at the time.