Spent two years wandering about a boy and now it is at an end :/
03-27-2012, 04:55 PM
SORRY THAT IT IS LONG, BUT IT IS A VERY LONG STORY
So I am a bit depressed and sad about one boy, but in order to tell you the whole story, I want to rewind the tape three years ago. It was late April and I was a student in seventh grade in a prestige high-school. I was accepted in my current school a few weeks ago and as a reward my family decided to buy me a ticket and sent me to America for the summer of 2009. I was always socially awkward and never had a lot of friends, but those who I had were very good friends on whom I could always count. Anyway, so I flew to America, fell in love with how beautiful and gorgeous the USA is, and flew back to Sofia. Later in the month I went to school. It was a new school and I didn’t know almost no one, so that was kind of a fresh start for me and I tried to make more friends (which actually worked). And it was in those early days that I met one boy. I won’t say his name, but I will call him Alex. We struck a conversation, wasn’t a big deal, but I am pretty sure I made some good first impression. After a week or so, it turned out we were in one class. That certainly wasn’t a biggie. I noticed that we had a couple of common interests, but I was too busy being the calss fool to notice anything more. It was the following March that I got to know him much better as we had a major project together. And then it struck me that I actually liked that boy. I had never experienced such a feeling before. He just looked so beautiful and flamboyant, he had that unique exciting smell of a young man and he really changed me. I don’t know why or how, but he changed me. And being very very foolish, I didn’t think about it for very long and I told him that I like him. He decided that that was some joke and laughed. But that didn’t annoy me, I liked that he was having fun and that I was amusing him, so I would sent him kisses, hearts, or hugs on Skype and he would laugh the hell out of himself. But after a while the major project ended, we didn’t write to each other that often anymore and I cut the “jokeâ€Â. But the joke stayed in my heart for the rest of the school year and then the whole summer. Next school year it turned out that we were again in one section. And joy oh joy, the “joke†was was even stronger. In the past time I had already accepted that I am probably gay and that sort of explained why I feel sort of disgusted by most girls. Anyway, so the school year proceeded and I really desperately wanted to tell him for serious that I like him, but having him talk to me, work on many new projects together, hitting each other with small paper balls during Chemistry class and helping him with everything humanly possible felt so good and I didn’t want to take the chance of losing our friendship. Around March 2011 we got to study “Catcher in the Rye†and I really believe that Holden truly loves Jane. And it was one day in English class that I said something (I really don’t remember what it was) about me, Alex and sex, so a few people childishly picked on me for a few days. Moving on, it was sometime in April that I got to talk about Alex with someone for the first time. He was a new, but already very good friend of mine with whom I didn’t fear to share anything. One morning he asked me “What do you want from him?†and I just remained silent and wanted to cry, but sort of controlled myself. I already knew what I wanted, but I knew it was impossible. I knew that Alex was the person who “changed†me, he was the person who somehow taught me how to live better and what is love (one-way love, but love nevertheless). I wanted to live forever with him because he was the person who made me really happy and he was the person who made me feel like as if I was blessed by the Gods when he smiled. As if that wasn’t enough, I got an iPhone for my birthday and Alex turned out to love iPhones, but not to be allowed to have one (I never got to know why). It was that iPhone that became constant source for even more talks and having fun together, for example we watched “Up†in Chemistry class, both of us had watched it previously, but God it felt good... Then he suggested we go out to watch a movie (must have been the happiest day in my so far life). The special day came and we went to watch “Bad Teacher†and then we went to eat in Downtown Sofia. Summer came after a few days and I pretty clearly knew things wouldn’t work out with Alex so I got myself registered in a dating app and one site and started one of the worst nightmares of my life. At first it was only nice and good looking boys, but then I started chatting with that boy, who turned out to be a grown man and finally he was treating me on the phone. The story goes on and on, but fortunately everything turned out ok and my parents didn’t make a big fuss about it. That was the time I forbid myself from ever entering a dating app or site, ever! During the summer I also had a small crush on another boy from the seaside, but things didn’t go any far either. So the Summer of 2011 ended as well and I went back to school, but I wasn’t in one section with Alex that year. In fact I was in a very bad section, but that didn’t spoil the things. At first I was too scared about the past problem with the crazy lunatic from the dating site, so Alex was the least of my problems. November came, the problems went away, and I decided it was high time to tell him how I feel. Everything went perfectly, right up to the point when some people who knew me came out of the blue, so I had to say “you are a very special for me person†instead of that I liked him so much. He got it all very calm and didn’t kick the bucket or something. Things continued just as fine, but nothing really changed. On Christmas I got to spent 3 days with one very cool boy in the mountains. We went skiing in the day and at night we would play pool till 2 am and drink half a bottle of whiskey. But I decided not to do anything, because I loved Alex and I wanted to be with him and no one else. Everything was as usual, till February when I decided that I want to go out on a date with a girl. The date went perfectly, I also bought her flowers for Valentine’s day, but while I was giving them to her I realized I want to be with Alex, not with her. And ever since that minute I had not said a word more than “Hi!†to her... The day was almost over, I didn’t know where to find Alex, so I created a Skype name called something like “I love you†and wrote him I wanted to be with him, how much I missed the fun time we had and etc. To that day I still have not received a response. But that wasn’t it, I asked him to go out, but it was then canceled because both of us could not make it, so I asked him on another one, but he was busy. Third time lucky I though, so I asked him to a prestige restaurant. He didn’t come. That was one of the saddest moments, but instead of being furious and giving up, I still tried to fight on, so I sent him a photo which said “Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about†accompanied with a brief text of how much I loved him, how I wanted only one chance, how much he meant to me and etc. Ever since that text, so that are eight days, we have not talked to each other. Today I got fed up with the silence and asked him if we could talk, he didn’t answer, so I was sitting with a friend of mine outside during luch, in the sun, when he came and started a brief conversation with my friend. After they ended their small talk I asked if we can talk, I was once more ignored. That was the time I got just too fed up with him. I know he was special, I know he means so much to me, I doubt that I will ever forget him, but with the least of self-esteem I have left, I want to put an end to that. Yes, I say that for the thousand and first time, but I mean it. I really wanted the things to happen with him, but if that is obviously not happening, then I will have to move on despite how much I don’t want to. My closest friends, who know about Alex, told me that I will find a much better one, so I believe that it would be best to forget about it all by having him substituted and that leads to the second question. If dating sites are a huge NO for me and I don’t know any gay boys, how the hell am I supposed to meet someone? I just don’t know how to do it, nor I know if that is indeed the right thing to do? So can you please tell me what you think, I will really appreciate it if you are honest of what you think. I really need a dose of honesty and reality because those dreams and fantasies have obviously drove me to a dead end.
Thank you sincerely for spending some reasonable time reading my story!
So I am a bit depressed and sad about one boy, but in order to tell you the whole story, I want to rewind the tape three years ago. It was late April and I was a student in seventh grade in a prestige high-school. I was accepted in my current school a few weeks ago and as a reward my family decided to buy me a ticket and sent me to America for the summer of 2009. I was always socially awkward and never had a lot of friends, but those who I had were very good friends on whom I could always count. Anyway, so I flew to America, fell in love with how beautiful and gorgeous the USA is, and flew back to Sofia. Later in the month I went to school. It was a new school and I didn’t know almost no one, so that was kind of a fresh start for me and I tried to make more friends (which actually worked). And it was in those early days that I met one boy. I won’t say his name, but I will call him Alex. We struck a conversation, wasn’t a big deal, but I am pretty sure I made some good first impression. After a week or so, it turned out we were in one class. That certainly wasn’t a biggie. I noticed that we had a couple of common interests, but I was too busy being the calss fool to notice anything more. It was the following March that I got to know him much better as we had a major project together. And then it struck me that I actually liked that boy. I had never experienced such a feeling before. He just looked so beautiful and flamboyant, he had that unique exciting smell of a young man and he really changed me. I don’t know why or how, but he changed me. And being very very foolish, I didn’t think about it for very long and I told him that I like him. He decided that that was some joke and laughed. But that didn’t annoy me, I liked that he was having fun and that I was amusing him, so I would sent him kisses, hearts, or hugs on Skype and he would laugh the hell out of himself. But after a while the major project ended, we didn’t write to each other that often anymore and I cut the “jokeâ€Â. But the joke stayed in my heart for the rest of the school year and then the whole summer. Next school year it turned out that we were again in one section. And joy oh joy, the “joke†was was even stronger. In the past time I had already accepted that I am probably gay and that sort of explained why I feel sort of disgusted by most girls. Anyway, so the school year proceeded and I really desperately wanted to tell him for serious that I like him, but having him talk to me, work on many new projects together, hitting each other with small paper balls during Chemistry class and helping him with everything humanly possible felt so good and I didn’t want to take the chance of losing our friendship. Around March 2011 we got to study “Catcher in the Rye†and I really believe that Holden truly loves Jane. And it was one day in English class that I said something (I really don’t remember what it was) about me, Alex and sex, so a few people childishly picked on me for a few days. Moving on, it was sometime in April that I got to talk about Alex with someone for the first time. He was a new, but already very good friend of mine with whom I didn’t fear to share anything. One morning he asked me “What do you want from him?†and I just remained silent and wanted to cry, but sort of controlled myself. I already knew what I wanted, but I knew it was impossible. I knew that Alex was the person who “changed†me, he was the person who somehow taught me how to live better and what is love (one-way love, but love nevertheless). I wanted to live forever with him because he was the person who made me really happy and he was the person who made me feel like as if I was blessed by the Gods when he smiled. As if that wasn’t enough, I got an iPhone for my birthday and Alex turned out to love iPhones, but not to be allowed to have one (I never got to know why). It was that iPhone that became constant source for even more talks and having fun together, for example we watched “Up†in Chemistry class, both of us had watched it previously, but God it felt good... Then he suggested we go out to watch a movie (must have been the happiest day in my so far life). The special day came and we went to watch “Bad Teacher†and then we went to eat in Downtown Sofia. Summer came after a few days and I pretty clearly knew things wouldn’t work out with Alex so I got myself registered in a dating app and one site and started one of the worst nightmares of my life. At first it was only nice and good looking boys, but then I started chatting with that boy, who turned out to be a grown man and finally he was treating me on the phone. The story goes on and on, but fortunately everything turned out ok and my parents didn’t make a big fuss about it. That was the time I forbid myself from ever entering a dating app or site, ever! During the summer I also had a small crush on another boy from the seaside, but things didn’t go any far either. So the Summer of 2011 ended as well and I went back to school, but I wasn’t in one section with Alex that year. In fact I was in a very bad section, but that didn’t spoil the things. At first I was too scared about the past problem with the crazy lunatic from the dating site, so Alex was the least of my problems. November came, the problems went away, and I decided it was high time to tell him how I feel. Everything went perfectly, right up to the point when some people who knew me came out of the blue, so I had to say “you are a very special for me person†instead of that I liked him so much. He got it all very calm and didn’t kick the bucket or something. Things continued just as fine, but nothing really changed. On Christmas I got to spent 3 days with one very cool boy in the mountains. We went skiing in the day and at night we would play pool till 2 am and drink half a bottle of whiskey. But I decided not to do anything, because I loved Alex and I wanted to be with him and no one else. Everything was as usual, till February when I decided that I want to go out on a date with a girl. The date went perfectly, I also bought her flowers for Valentine’s day, but while I was giving them to her I realized I want to be with Alex, not with her. And ever since that minute I had not said a word more than “Hi!†to her... The day was almost over, I didn’t know where to find Alex, so I created a Skype name called something like “I love you†and wrote him I wanted to be with him, how much I missed the fun time we had and etc. To that day I still have not received a response. But that wasn’t it, I asked him to go out, but it was then canceled because both of us could not make it, so I asked him on another one, but he was busy. Third time lucky I though, so I asked him to a prestige restaurant. He didn’t come. That was one of the saddest moments, but instead of being furious and giving up, I still tried to fight on, so I sent him a photo which said “Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about†accompanied with a brief text of how much I loved him, how I wanted only one chance, how much he meant to me and etc. Ever since that text, so that are eight days, we have not talked to each other. Today I got fed up with the silence and asked him if we could talk, he didn’t answer, so I was sitting with a friend of mine outside during luch, in the sun, when he came and started a brief conversation with my friend. After they ended their small talk I asked if we can talk, I was once more ignored. That was the time I got just too fed up with him. I know he was special, I know he means so much to me, I doubt that I will ever forget him, but with the least of self-esteem I have left, I want to put an end to that. Yes, I say that for the thousand and first time, but I mean it. I really wanted the things to happen with him, but if that is obviously not happening, then I will have to move on despite how much I don’t want to. My closest friends, who know about Alex, told me that I will find a much better one, so I believe that it would be best to forget about it all by having him substituted and that leads to the second question. If dating sites are a huge NO for me and I don’t know any gay boys, how the hell am I supposed to meet someone? I just don’t know how to do it, nor I know if that is indeed the right thing to do? So can you please tell me what you think, I will really appreciate it if you are honest of what you think. I really need a dose of honesty and reality because those dreams and fantasies have obviously drove me to a dead end.
Thank you sincerely for spending some reasonable time reading my story!
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Pisces
so far I've been using the "I'm just too busy" excuse. 
