A week

[SadSilence]

I looked at the clock it was seventh period. I wanted the period to end but I was dreading it. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave my home, leave my comfort zone. Leave the only place where I felt like I didn't have to hide. But I knew there was no stopping it.

I felt like screaming at the top of my lungs. Like dragging knives through my veins. I felt like I was suffocating for the entire week. It seemed like I was chained by the neck and I was digging my finger nails into the asphalt to stop them from taking me further out. To weep uncontrolablely and having everyone around you think it's for something that it's not is a blessing. My urge is very strong, I don't believe I'll hold out much longer, but I must try. I plunged further into the black hole of depression, but depression was there they were not. All my normal thought processes ceased to exist. All the normal urges, besides cutting, fled. Sitting in that hotel bed was agonizing, all I could think about was my bed, and my ceiling where I stare at. Not this hotel ceiling and bed.\

I don't know what else to say, but so much to say.

[Rainbowmum]

So very happy to see you back here with us.
Missed you kiddo

[Nick9]

SadSilence, you know, I think that you are incredibly strong for trying and for fighting the urge for that long.

I believe that cutting is an addiction and you hardly cure an addict without offering him some substitution. Maybe it would help you to look for that substitution. Something that wouldn't cause that much damage, but could work as a "backdoor." As a safeguard for our mind. Maybe if you know that there is another option in your sleeve, the fighting the urge will be easier and you won't become desperate and depressive.

Maybe you don't see a choice now and you feel cornered. If you have a choice, then even though the real cutting will not be a part of that choice, it could ease your mind and give you a sense of control.

Again, if you want I can ask the therapist. I understand that you don't want to call yourself. I hadn't been willing either. You can post your question/questions at the board or PM me, now or anytime in the future. No question is too short, silly or pointless.

And if you have slip up, don't be devastated. You already know that you can do it for more than one week!

You are doing great. Don't forget to ask for help if it feels like having too much to cope with.
Okay, time for one more silly smiley for you

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Have you ever just let out a huge scream and just scream for a while?

As I kid I would go out in the middle of the corn field and just start screaming. There were a few times I screamed until my voice broke.

But you know after a good wordless scream I felt much better inside. A bit of a sore throat, but much better inside.

Cattle would run, the horses would whinny and get all upset, the bobwhite would break and fly... but I felt better.

Your cutting thing is releasing pressures that are building up inside. Screaming might actually release some of that pressure too.

I have no idea if you have an empty field to scream at/in, you might want to try it will a pillow over your mouth to muffle it so as to not scare everyone else.

[Rainbowmum]

I know what you mean Bowyn.
When I was living in East Maitland , we had an over pass for trains.
If things started to get to much for me , I would wait till the train passed and would scream at the world.
It really helped me.

Give it a try Kiddo?

[dfiant]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

It does help

You have come a long in a short time Sadsilence, and you have so many of us for support. You are doing well

[zeon]

Hello Sad,
It is good to see ya again mister and keep us all upto date with how things are going... Depression is a hard thing to over come and it can take some time however whatever caused it to be the way it is understand as ive said to others who have seeked my help that the trouble that caused it isnt a result of your fault... I would like to maybe recommend a bit of self therapy for ya which I did when i was in my depression and that is write down everytime how your feeling when you want to cut... Then afterwards burn the piece of paper or shred it or bin it or give to the dog or whatever just disguard it as your problems for that moment in life have gone... I know if i lived in the US id offer you my mobile number for a bit of support over text like I do with some Uk members... l think another good factor with regards to trying to stop self harm is make projective plans for the future for example.... In five years when your 20 years of age where would youn like to be?? I found with my depression that if i did something achieveable such as tidy up the garden, paint my room, create a drawing i would have something to find focus in... I used to draw alot about my emotions and my feelings and put them into a picture and one day i realised that the drawings i drew showed me what inside me is seeing that outside cant....

Big hugz and keep on here mister because we will all work with ya and remember

No matter how crap ya feel ya still a great person on here

Kindest regards

Aunty Zeon x

[pellaz]

I don't know what else to say, but so much to say.

your posts are so well written, always enjoy reading them.