04-02-2012, 05:32 AM
I've been putting this off for several days now, hoping this would all blow over, but I think it's time I posted something.
I am starting to feel fatigued with life, and a little worried for the unfulfilled future that seems to await me. It has struck me how lonely I am. I moved away from my hometown to the city about 18 months ago and, although I have friends here from back home, I barely ever get to see them.
I got to see what used to be my closest friend just last week. We had a brilliant day together, although something wasn't quite right. I didn't feel connected with her like I used to. In the evening we were talking about why I didn't like a particular Disney film, and she said "Well, that's because you have no empathy". What can I say? I like other Disney films, almost any other Disney but not that one. What bothered me is how sincere she was with that remark. I said "I do have empathy :confused:", and she corrected herself and said "Well, you have little empathy". I have heard this many times during High School when I grew up, but this was mainly said by people who didn't know me that well, so I would pay it little thought.
I always try my best to be helpful, and I'll admit my shyness gets in the way of that sometimes, but no empathy? I can't stop doubting myself since she said that. Either she's telling the truth and my failure to make any deep connections with people is all my fault, or she doesn't know me as well as I thought. Lose-lose.
The rest of the evening was ruined for me. I felt really guilty for some reason, and kind of went quiet while she and my other friend chatted and laughed - it was all I could do to hide my sadness. After she left to go back home she texted me and asked if everything was okay with me, as I seemed a little down towards the end of her visit. It seemed I hadn't hid my feelings as well as I thought. I couldn't bear to even talk about it with her so I lied and told her I failed an assessment - true story, so not entirely lying through my teeth I guess.
I signed up to volunteer as a befriender for Inspire (a charity supporting kids and adults with learning/developmental disabilities), but if I have no empathy, I don't have a chance of being able to help anyone. I can't live with that. I can't ignore this overwhelming feeling of guilt any more.
I have been trying to sleep as much as possible since that's the only time I feel at peace. But here I am, awake at 5am in the morning and now even music isn't a big enough distraction. I'm not really looking for any advice (I've read lots of posts like this and the help you guys offer are great BTW). But regardless I need to get these words out here for relief. A little like holding my breath too long, I am beginning to feel dizzy with tension. I will go crazy if I keep all these unresolved negative thoughts inside my head :frown:
I am starting to feel fatigued with life, and a little worried for the unfulfilled future that seems to await me. It has struck me how lonely I am. I moved away from my hometown to the city about 18 months ago and, although I have friends here from back home, I barely ever get to see them.
I got to see what used to be my closest friend just last week. We had a brilliant day together, although something wasn't quite right. I didn't feel connected with her like I used to. In the evening we were talking about why I didn't like a particular Disney film, and she said "Well, that's because you have no empathy". What can I say? I like other Disney films, almost any other Disney but not that one. What bothered me is how sincere she was with that remark. I said "I do have empathy :confused:", and she corrected herself and said "Well, you have little empathy". I have heard this many times during High School when I grew up, but this was mainly said by people who didn't know me that well, so I would pay it little thought.
I always try my best to be helpful, and I'll admit my shyness gets in the way of that sometimes, but no empathy? I can't stop doubting myself since she said that. Either she's telling the truth and my failure to make any deep connections with people is all my fault, or she doesn't know me as well as I thought. Lose-lose.
The rest of the evening was ruined for me. I felt really guilty for some reason, and kind of went quiet while she and my other friend chatted and laughed - it was all I could do to hide my sadness. After she left to go back home she texted me and asked if everything was okay with me, as I seemed a little down towards the end of her visit. It seemed I hadn't hid my feelings as well as I thought. I couldn't bear to even talk about it with her so I lied and told her I failed an assessment - true story, so not entirely lying through my teeth I guess.
I signed up to volunteer as a befriender for Inspire (a charity supporting kids and adults with learning/developmental disabilities), but if I have no empathy, I don't have a chance of being able to help anyone. I can't live with that. I can't ignore this overwhelming feeling of guilt any more.
I have been trying to sleep as much as possible since that's the only time I feel at peace. But here I am, awake at 5am in the morning and now even music isn't a big enough distraction. I'm not really looking for any advice (I've read lots of posts like this and the help you guys offer are great BTW). But regardless I need to get these words out here for relief. A little like holding my breath too long, I am beginning to feel dizzy with tension. I will go crazy if I keep all these unresolved negative thoughts inside my head :frown: