Turbulence

[faceslikemine]

I've been putting this off for several days now, hoping this would all blow over, but I think it's time I posted something.

I am starting to feel fatigued with life, and a little worried for the unfulfilled future that seems to await me. It has struck me how lonely I am. I moved away from my hometown to the city about 18 months ago and, although I have friends here from back home, I barely ever get to see them.

I got to see what used to be my closest friend just last week. We had a brilliant day together, although something wasn't quite right. I didn't feel connected with her like I used to. In the evening we were talking about why I didn't like a particular Disney film, and she said "Well, that's because you have no empathy". What can I say? I like other Disney films, almost any other Disney but not that one. What bothered me is how sincere she was with that remark. I said "I do have empathy :confused:", and she corrected herself and said "Well, you have little empathy". I have heard this many times during High School when I grew up, but this was mainly said by people who didn't know me that well, so I would pay it little thought.

I always try my best to be helpful, and I'll admit my shyness gets in the way of that sometimes, but no empathy? I can't stop doubting myself since she said that. Either she's telling the truth and my failure to make any deep connections with people is all my fault, or she doesn't know me as well as I thought. Lose-lose.

The rest of the evening was ruined for me. I felt really guilty for some reason, and kind of went quiet while she and my other friend chatted and laughed - it was all I could do to hide my sadness. After she left to go back home she texted me and asked if everything was okay with me, as I seemed a little down towards the end of her visit. It seemed I hadn't hid my feelings as well as I thought. I couldn't bear to even talk about it with her so I lied and told her I failed an assessment - true story, so not entirely lying through my teeth I guess.

I signed up to volunteer as a befriender for Inspire (a charity supporting kids and adults with learning/developmental disabilities), but if I have no empathy, I don't have a chance of being able to help anyone. I can't live with that. I can't ignore this overwhelming feeling of guilt any more.

I have been trying to sleep as much as possible since that's the only time I feel at peace. But here I am, awake at 5am in the morning and now even music isn't a big enough distraction. I'm not really looking for any advice (I've read lots of posts like this and the help you guys offer are great BTW). But regardless I need to get these words out here for relief. A little like holding my breath too long, I am beginning to feel dizzy with tension. I will go crazy if I keep all these unresolved negative thoughts inside my head :frown:

[ceez]

I'm glad you decided to share this with us, its good to talk this stuff out and even better in person with a close friend. I don't really see why you would have no empathy because of a movie you didn't like and you're doing a great thing volunteering as a befriender. you could be a little home sick, most people get like that after moving away from home.

[azulai]

I really wouldn't beat yourself up over a Disney movie! :biggrin:

Ok, similar to you I try to view criticism as constructive criticism, consider the source and really reflect on it.

Are you shy or are you an introvert? Shyness is more about apprehension, nervousness and anxiety in social situations, whereas introversion is needing quiet to recharge, inclined to enjoy solitude and deep conversations and the tendency to dislike small talk.

Some people misinterpret introvert behavior. It's because we're all judged by the ideal of the extrovert personality. So, I'd just be careful that your friend knows the difference as you are weighing her criticism. Just because you may be less inclined to be demonstrative about your feelings toward someone's plight doesn't mean your feelings don't exist.

I wouldn't let this stop you from volunteering. I'd dive into it with even more resolve. If you determine your friend's observation has merit, then use it to be self-aware and make more of an effort to understand how those you are helping feel. You also might get some training as a volunteer so it really could be a win-win situation. I hope you don't let your friend's words stop you.

Be patient with yourself. You're going to make friends especially if you are volunteering. Hang in there.

[monk]

If you had no empathy you wouldn't be volunteering - you obviously have feelings for your fellow human beings.

And someone sums up your whole personality on the basis of a Disney film?? Oh, puh-lease! :eek:

Remember, you're the one who knows what's going on inside your head - nobody else does.

The fact that she has caused you some distress over this, shows how much you care.

[faceslikemine]

Thanks for the replies, guys.

Yeah, I only brought up the Disney movie because it's what prompted her to make that remark, but she wouldn't have made it based solely on that (BTW It's The Lion King). Otherwise she would have said it in an off-handed way. Of course, there is a difference between shyness and introversion, and maybe I'm a bit of both. Although I can be quite confident and make the first contribution in group discussion (that's a simple skill that took a long time to learn ) I am still nervous and genuinely self-confident people actually make me withdraw a bit (I am not sure whether that is normal, actually :confused. I prefer deep conversations and even though I can make small talk when necessary, it leaves me with a weird emptiness that I just plain don't like.

ceez, you may not be far off the mark with the homesickness idea. Except, whenever I go home it doesn't feel like home now, either. My friends are all too busy with their own lives to hang out and we have kinda drifted apart. Part of it may be the fact that I am interested in medical topics while my friends share an artistic background, in that they talk about their art trips to various cities, and how stressful their course is, etc. When I, who can't draw to save my life and has only taken scientific subjects at school, can't really jump in and say "OMG IKR? FML!" Instead I sit there and listen to them talk about their life.

The whole idea of volunteering was:
a) to add to my current volunteering experience for my application to medical school;
b) to meet some people who didn't seem so.....hedonistic; and
c) because I really enjoyed my last volunteering role and had been meaning to get back into it for ages!

I just hope I am doing the right thing. I have tried to tell my friends that I feel depressed and their response is "Why? You don't have problems with your course. You only turn up to lectures about 20 per cent of the time and still somehow manage to roll outta bed and get straight As. Whilst we are barely managing to pass." etc. And it becomes a competition which I am not eligible to enter because I my life is apparently too perfect...

Thanks again for the replies, it feels really good to finally vent some of this stuff mile:

[monk]

"I have tried to tell my friends that I feel depressed and their response is "Why? You don't have problems with your course. You only turn up to lectures about 20 per cent of the time and still somehow manage to roll outta bed and get straight As. Whilst we are barely managing to pass." etc. And it becomes a competition which I am not eligible to enter because I my life is apparently too perfect..."


See? That's exactly how little other people know you!

[Nick9]

Hi,

I have finally some quiet time to try to answer. You have already got a lot of good advice, so I try to address one more thing.

You said that it was not the first time she/or the other people said it.
So, even if it is not true, it would be interesting to know, why people tend to think that. You can ask your friend about why exactly she thinks you have little empathy, what were the other occasions, how she thinks you should have reacted. It could be interesting to know, how other people see you.

I don't believe for a second that have little empathy. Maybe you just don't know how to show it

Sometimes all it takes is an encouraging smile or "I know how you feel," or "tell me more." Or when you know that someone has some big day ahead, call him/her before to wish good luck, or after and ask how it went.

I have tried to tell my friends that I feel depressed and their response is "Why?"

So tell us why. Do you know the reason? It's okay, if you don't. But if you do, it would be easier to fight it.
I am not quite sure, if a man can be depressed (like really depressed, not just in bad mood), just because he is lonely. I really don't know. Could you have some other reasons? Being afraid of the future? Do you have reasons to feel that way? Money? Job? Are you not happy with your current life and afraid that it will be like this forever?
You don't need to tell us, but maybe thinking about the reasons would help. Maybe you can write it in a post and then deleted it instead of posting it. It may help to sort your thoughts. Zeon had asked me about some things several days ago. I couldn't believe what I learned about myself from my answer :biggrin:

After she left to go back home she texted me and asked if everything was okay with me, as I seemed a little down towards the end of her visit. It seemed I hadn't hid my feelings as well as I thought. I couldn't bear to even talk about it with her so I lied and told her I failed an assessment - true story, so not entirely lying through my teeth I guess.

Don't do this next time She is the best friend you have, she wanted to help, made the first move and you reject the offer, even though you felt like you needed it.

In a way, she showed you empathy. She cared how you were and let you know it.

[pellaz]

use it or loose it
gay men are so shut down for so long we forget the feeling of emotion and sexuality. All i can say is your emotions are there, just hidden, put your self out there. If you express your self, even a little, be sure its loving and kind.

[ceez]

omg I loved the Lion King :biggrin: I know how it feels to drift apart from your friends, it's hard for me to connect with a couple friends I've known for years because they like to smoke and drink all the time and when we get together all they talk about is other times they were smoking and drinking. and women, they talk about women A LOT :mad: and in extreme detail

[faceslikemine]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to say thanks for all your responses. I've given them a quick read and I will get around to replying later today when I am not so busy.

Thanks again ,

J.