I know that almost every thread I start is sad, and it may seem that I'm not trying when really I am. I'm trying to posting. Usually what I post is what I was feeling and sometimes of what I am currently feeling and usually afterwards I feel somewhat better. It gives me willpower to actually do something.
I recently started reading this book called The Child Called It: A Child's Courage to survive. It's a very sad book, but I sometimes.. Well almost all the time feel like this child in a sense, he's abused very horriblely and knows it's punishment but he doesn't know what for exactly except that he's a "Bad boy". Most of the time I feel that I need to be punished, even though I did nothing wrong. Simple day dream about having a boyfriend will send me over the edge with the thoughts of needing to be punished... I did nothing wrong did I? I'm merely being me. Enjoying the company of a male, not like the company that gets rid of that lonely feeling, the company that gets those day dreams going or just get me going. I feel the need to punish myself greatly, but I did nothing wrong. I feel enormous anger towards those men, they did nothing wrong. It's my subconcious wanting to blame others for something I can't control. But in reality I'm angry with myself. I've never been able to enjoy those day dreams or company of a man, not to the fullest I should be able to. Because the moment my concious mind wraps itself around what is actually happening that subconcious anger and desire come into place.
I don't like who I am, I don't like this body. I don't like these feelings or thoughts. But I can't get rid of them. I'm not going to be anyone but me, if that means cutting (Or any type of self harm) turning to drugs or alcohol I will be me. If that means living with depression and anxiety for the rest of my life so be it. If that means be prisoned by my childish fears I will let it be it as it is. I hate this body and life so much. But I won't be someone or something that I truely am not deep down. I know some of you might not understand because I don't understand all I know is that I feel it.
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I won't say that I understand exactly what you're going through since we all go through things (even though similar) in very different ways.
However I've been where you are. I'm 19 now and when I was 17 I accepted the fact that I am gay and embraced who I am. From the day I was 11 up until that day when I was 17 I hated myself. I was taught that gay people are abominations and I thought I was sick and well...an unclean creature. I was raised around a very religious background.
I know it isn't much but believe me, I am proud of you. You're 15 years old and you've reached that level of insight and wisdom, that fact in itself is something to smile about. *hugs*
Since I hated who I was, my thoughts and thought that I would go to hell after death I naturally became homophobic. I have shared hatred you feel towards yourself at times and I also let that hatred leak out and I actively hated homosexuals.
I came out when I was in high school and I did so to my closest friends who all embraced and loved me no matter what, but there were others I knew who would make my life hell if they knew.
You are still in a very young environment and your surroundings are immature and afraid of the unknown. I can guarantee that you're not the only gay guy in your school.
I know that most things seem like just empty words but my best friend in America saved my life through words on a screen. There have been several times in the past where I wanted to shove a knife into my chest but she was there and saved me.
It's hard, I know...but we need to be strong and the insight and wisdom you show now is more than many your age can ever understand.
*Hugs* Well done, and keep standing your ground. There are people who care and there are people who love you for who you are from skin to heart. The mere fact that you see all of us here on GaySpeak is proof of that.
You and I are in different parts of the world but in the end that really doesn't matter because we can all stand together no matter how far away we are and we can save each other's lives through mere words on a screen...we often underestimate what isn't material in the fact that we can gaze upon the person.
I would suggest that you don't resort to drugs, alcohol or cutting yourself. Don't waste the level you've reached now, from here on out the way up can be much clearer depending on your choices.
Good luck. *hugs*
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SadSilence, you want us to believe, right? So, all I am asking of you is to believe me...
When I'd read your post this morning, about what you should do, the first thing that came to my mind was, "Boy, he's come so far already. He has made such a big progress."
You can't see it yourself, or maybe you don't allow yourself to see it, because you want to punish yourself, to make your effort smaller and to ignore your accomplishment.
So, I'll do the summary for you 
You looked up this forum. You stopped denying who you really are.
you have registered and started posting. MANY registered users unfortunately never overcome the fear.
You have decide to stop that habit. I had a friend who used to smoke, well, still does. She always says, I could stop easily, but I don't want to. Yeah, all right. The second part, I believe, the first one not so much.
You decide to go to therapy. Something I never managed to do.
You managed not to cut in what 10 days? Something I never thought was possible to accomplish so quickly.
And today in the morning (uh, my morning), you didn't come to cry. You came to ask question, how to make things better.
That's a HUGE progress, if you ask me.
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SadSilence Wrote:Usually what I post is what I was feeling and sometimes of what I am currently feeling and usually afterwards I feel somewhat better. It gives me willpower to actually do something.
Don't, for a second, think about not coming when you need it 
Quote:I recently started reading this book called The Child Called It: A Child's Courage to survive.
I admit I have never found enough courage to open this book. Most likely never will.
Quote: Most of the time I feel that I need to be punished, even though I did nothing wrong. Simple day dream about having a boyfriend will send me over the edge with the thoughts of needing to be punished... I did nothing wrong did I?
*sigh*
that sounds familiar. I constantly doubt myself in some areas, always looking what I did wrong. I can be confident one second and when someone doubt my doing, I immediately doubt myself even more, actively searching what I have done wrong.
We need to work on our self-confidence, Mister. We know ourselves and we must decide how we feel about ourselves. No, you did nothing wrong. You have - LOL how was it in the movie A Perfect World? Aha: you have a goddamned red, white and blue American right to be happy, SadSilence :biggrin:
And YOU decide what makes you happy. Nobody else can or should do it for you. Be glad that you finally know what it is that makes you happy. You struggle to accept it, yeah, I know the feeling. It will take time. But it doesn't mean you need to hate yourself. Everyone is unique and many of us don't like what we are or how we look like. Some were comfortable with themselves, until some "friends" told them they had a problem.
You are not comfortable in your skin right now. But it doesn't mean you won't be in the future. Be patient, learn how to love yourself and try not to hate. Neither yourself, nor others. The hate will show and you will be pushing people away.
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Quote:You managed not to cut in what 10 days? Something I never thought was possible to accomplish so quickly.
It's really only two days now, one and half maybe since I last cut and now I'm leaving welts and bruises from snapping the hair band so much. I could stop if I wanted to, but I just don't care. I'm afraid of a life without that pain so I choose not to stop because it's what I know. It's me in control. Me making sure that my world is in order and not about to spiral out of control though inside I always feel like that. But I must make sure my physical world isn't going to do that
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SadSilence Wrote:It's really only two days now, one and half maybe since I last cut and now I'm leaving welts and bruises from snapping the hair band so much. I could stop if I wanted to, but I just don't care. I'm afraid of a life without that pain so I choose not to stop because it's what I know. It's me in control. Me making sure that my world is in order and not about to spiral out of control though inside I always feel like that. But I must make sure my physical world isn't going to do that
I had a feeling you did quite well before that last cut.
But that's what I tried to tell you. It's too hard to stop cutting and do nothing. You need to find another way how to vent and how to stay in control.
Just don't hate yourself if you struggle. Talk to your therapist, she should know how to help you find those ways.
In a way, SadSilence, we all start every morning, again and again. We all have our fears, struggles, problems that seems to be larger than life. We all hope for something nice to happen. Every morning is a new beginning. Celebrate your progress even if it seems small. Don't let slip ups make you feel down.
Every great long journey means you need to take one small step after another. The possible fall is not more important than the fact that you stand up and try again
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I read that book you are talking about it... A long time ago in middle school. There were parts that made me cry. : ( The abuse he endured rivals anything I experienced many times over-- pure evil. But it's his story and should be shared and his third book in the series, 'A man called Dave' proves darkness can be molded and formed into something beautiful.
Hurting is a part of learning for lots of us... How did that passage in a Farewell To Arms go..? Oh yeah... Thank you GOOGLE:
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry."
Be Strong, SadSilence : )
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hello sad,
You sound like the titanic... Just give up and sink... Bollocks to that mister you listen to aunty as aunty has along with many people been at rock bottom 2 1/2 miles below see level and unable to see the blue skies... You have recognised you have a problem with what you have put which is the first step... Self harm can be addictive and its firstly recognising its addictiveness which is why its good to keep on posting and get things off your mind however you choose to do so or see fit to do so..
You one day will wake up and think Hang on what the hell is going on with my life... Grab ya head with both hands and give it a bloody good shake because that is the moment you end up realising its time to change... Its time to learn to love yourself for you... Its time to change the way you feel about the past... I was abused matey and it isnt easy letting go of things but you have to some point learn to let it go inside and set yourself free otherwise it can affect your future relationships and if you meet some guy you like you dont wanna be doing what i did and compare alot of his habits to what happenned in childhood.. Further more what about when it comes to sex? I am saying let things go because you shouldnt feel all guilty for being gay its just a walk of life like being hetrosexual... You are making slow and steady progress by allowing us at gay speak to help you...
When you first came here you made a big impact on the forum and people warmed immediately and it is good to see your slowly healing inside because you have a online place you can call home and post away whats on your mind endless and when you have a good day we know your alright and we are pleased to see good ones and when your having a bad day and need some support you got not just one or two but everyone here rallying round to help you because we all want the same thing...
To see that sad emoticon become happy because in your life at the moment there is grey clouds blocking the sunlight behind it and i will along with everyone else help you remove those clouds and move onwards and upwards!
Your a diamond remember that mister because one day not so far away your going to make some very lucky person a very happy person and they will whip u up and give you your life and independance you have wanted for so long
Big hugz
Aunty Zeon xcx
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Sweetie , it is great that you can come here and express yourself .
Suppression is responsible for so many deaths.
Do not ever think you are a burden to this online family , you are not.
We are here for you , we care , we listen and we love hearing from you.
Keep writing sweetheart , get your pain out.
A problem shared is a problem halved.  mile:
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I will be me.
As you know (maybe not) I went down the drug and alcohol path.
You know the greatest fear I had when I started recovery?
I feared I would stop being "me" and be someone else.
I was comfortable with the stringy, greasy haired rail thin creature I had become - oh sure a tad put off with a nagging worry that others might think ____________ (fill in the blank). I even liked who I had become. The thought of being not this person terrified me, made me want to throw myself back into my addiction to stay 'the same'.
No it wasn't a healthy person that 'me'. No it wasn't a happy person. But I was comfortable with that person and regardless how many negatives were there I didn't want to lose 'being me'.
Its all about personal identity.
We grow comfortable with the situation we are in and have been in, thus are often very reluctant to give up those things (good and bad) to be something we do not see ourselves as.
We come to see some pretty scary stuff as being 'who I am' and we accept it, embrace it, hold on to it dearly no matter how scary it is, because we fear even more losing our self identity even when the change is good.
Its gives us power to control who we are, to maintain a hold on how we see ourselves and how we feel about ourselves. When we have been in positions where someone else has stolen that power, that control, we tend to be a bit more possessive about who we want to be, so we accept a lot of things and make 'truths' about ourselves, fearful of letting these things go out of fear of losing control of what 'me' is.
Letting go of 'me' is the hardest thing, harder than dropping the razor blade, harder than flushing a baggy of drugs down the toilet. Harder than throwing out the bottles or whatever container our self destructive behavior comes in.
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I know, Punishment, I will be me.
