I'm sick

[SadSilence]

I watch the last rays of light fade away and patiently wait for the 'sickness' to sink in. For that burning desire to form, take root, and push harder every night. I wait for that feeling that my world is about to slam me against the wall. That feeling that I'm about to cry until I finally fall asleep. Every night when the house is cold and quiet, but I am still awake I day dream about pulling out my box, opening it and taking out the cloth, blood stained cloth. Unwrapping that cloth and revealing one of my tools. I day dream of picking it up and dragging it across my skin. I want all the rubber bands, hair bands, any type of bands to disappear so I'll be even more tempted to cut. I don't know... I just don't know. What more can I say? I'm sick, my father is afraid of medicine. But I don't blame him because there are many risks for my age.... *Sigh* I just won't to curl up and disappear.

[BYoNexus]

Hang in there! Try to keep positive :-) I know it's hard, but try taking your mind off of it. your post here, while a bit negative, seems to contain compelling statements. Why not try your hand at poetry or something along those lines. I bet if you tried it, you'd find you've got a talent there. Maybe even song lyrics? You don't necessarily need a song to make lyrics. It'll give you something to work on, and help you through those hard times.

[Nick9]

SadSilence,
I am not sure if sick is the right word. Maybe ill would be more appropriate?

Patiently waiting... it sounds like waiting for someone you expect to come and who you want to welcome. Are you still feeling this way?

The moments when you are left alone with your thoughts are so hard to cope with sometimes. Would a distraction work for you? Listening to some music until you fall asleep?

Don't be ashamed about your daydreaming. Paradoxically it can give you more strength. Every minute of your inner battle brings you closer to your goal. Every struggle makes you stronger.

Try to recapitulate your day in your head in the evening. How many times did you want to cut? When was the urge at its strongest? What helped you to resist? How many successful battles did you go through during your past day?

Don't focus on negative thoughts, we all know they will be coming back. If you want, personify that urge and argue with it. "F* you, I won three times today, and you know it!" "He" isn't stronger than you are SadSilence. And "he" knows it, you have given him enough proof already.

That is why "he" doesn't fight fair. Those, who don't fight fair, SadSilence, are usually cowards.
"He" can be defeated. Don't give him anything for free and make him scream in frustration every evening.

[Rainbowmum]

SadSilence, it is not an illness , it's an addiction, and like all addictions it wants to rule your life.

You have to fight this thing and gain control over yourself.
Listen to Nick, banish the negative thoughts.