school/ str8, gay or bi???

[Nick9512]

Hi everyone!
This is about a guy in my school. For some months now I've noticed him staring at me in a very weird way... He is a part of those "groups", you know, the typical bullying "gangs". But, even though his friends have been calling me names, he naver tried to insult me in any way as long as I remember. Also, my atraction for him came after I saw him looking at me, not before.. And one last thing, I never heard of him being in a relationship with a girl (or a guy ofc) What should I do???:confused:

ps: ive only came out to some close friends (female), who also know about the guy

[pellaz]

homophobic bullies tend to be unsure about their sexuality.
The fact that this particular person is not a participant may say what about him?; he has figured it out but to terrified to act on it (he might be straight or gay) or it is only a social thing for example his brother is part of the group.

a safe thing is to ignore him, there are gay boys who want your affection. Dont limit your self, go for the men who have figured it out and are available.

the gay population is like 3-8% depending on your location. The chances of this person being gay at this time is remote. Would not hurt to say hi when you see him; put some effort into it and pick an appropriate time. Get a friendship going and see what he is up to, patience tho. Before anything do some research on his FB page, what sports is he into, interests like works on cars, theater, music, bike racing etc.

[ceez]

I wouldn't look into this that much, if he is in the closet then there's no way he would admit it around his friends and I'm too worried that if he agreed to see you out side of school it would be for a gay-bashing. plus I still don't understand what the staring means, I've gotten stares before where I knew the guy was interested and I also got stares from guys that were married with children. it's not always a good thing.

[Spades]

Have you tried smiling at him when he stares at you?
He is clearly not a threat to you, so see if some non-verbal friendliness towards him is reciprocated. I don't think it will do any harm?

[minhthien94]

I have a friend just like u.

He is straight but he plays the staring game at me all the time (he just playing) so i think in your case, just ignore him is the best choice. I know the staring sometimes really annoying.

Besides, If he likes u, he will tell u; but dont wait.

[Nick9512]

if he is in the closet then there's no way he would admit it around his friends.

Well, the thing is that his friends are also acting a bit different around him as well (calling him names) and his behaviour is not the toughest ever, so I think that maybe he has came out to them (or its just my mind playing tricks on me...)

I know the staring sometimes really annoying.

No its not really anoying, that's not what I meant by weird... The problem is that I can't find a way to understand what he wants...

And during the school trip he has tried to get into some kind of physical contact with me (not sexual)..

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Assuming for the moment he is gay or bi, he most likely is in his closet and has figured that the safest way (for him) to hide is to hide right in the pack of the enemy. It is a very reasonable tactic for some. Sadly, many young gay men find themselves actually being against homosexuals vehemently. There is another thread started recently from a young man who is now interested in another young man, unfortunately for 3 years he bullied and 'hated on' that other young man.

Any approach to him (not from him, to him) may cause a serious blow back as now he will have to stand up and prove to the pack that he not gay.

IF he is attracted to you, I fear that that potential attraction is in check by a more powerful emotion - fear. Press that fear too far and his nice attitude to you can turn very ugly.

Since he is part of a pack, you are going to have to just assume that his sentiments are those of the pack. Sure he may not be participating in the name calling, but when they talk about you behind your back he may actually be the ones saying the most horrible of things. This is how the pack mentality works on pack members.

If there is an attraction here, let him make the first moves. he is going to have to break way from the pack, that means he's going to have to overcome his own fears.

This is a really dangerous situation - extremely dangerous depending on how this pack thinks (not just the individuals, but how they feed each others motives for hatred).

Since they are name calling you, you need to figure out why they have decided to single you out. Did one of the people you tell start spreading the rumor? If so you need to figure out who this person is so you know not to trust them with more data.

Are you acting/behaving in some manner that makes you a prime victim? If so figure out what it is and stop doing that around them. While it may not stop the name calling it will go a long way toward preventing them on fixating on you and stirring up more trouble.

If they are waiting until you are alone (not in the circle of your friends) to attack (verbally assault you) this may be a sign that they are working themselves up to attacking physically. Abusers prefer having no witnesses.

Unfortunately bigots love to go around in packs. Its never one on one - its always two or more of them on one of us. So you may want to seriously consider forming your own pack of people to hang with and stick with as often as possible.

[Jay]

I have a friend just like u.

He is straight but he plays the staring game at me all the time (he just playing) so i think in your case, just ignore him is the best choice. I know the staring sometimes really annoying.

Besides, If he likes u, he will tell u; but dont wait.

Nick, ignore him. Just to be safe.

Just like minhthien94, I also have experienced a closet guy who kept staring/flirting behind his friends back. He panicked when I responded and ridiculed me when he was around his friends.

So better be safe then sorry, Nick. Just be careful.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Well, the thing is that his friends are also acting a bit different around him as well (calling him names) and his behaviour is not the toughest ever, so I think that maybe he has came out to them (or its just my mind playing tricks on me...)

I doubt he came out to them. He may be in the process of being ripped out of the closet. The pack will notice when one of its members is not howling in concert with the pack, thus the pack will turn on 'weak' individuals unwilling to participate in pack activities.

Let him come to you. Don't push. If he is in the process of being ripped out of the closet, he may actually turn to more aggressive behaviors - depending on how strong his fear is of the pack.

Interesting he sought to touch you... He may be struggling real hard with a lot of things inside of his head, but you can't reach out and pull him from the pack. If he leaves that pack they either need to kick him out, or he needs to walk out.

Be patient, look back at him and sneak a smile when no one is missing - this should assure him that you are waiting. IF he is interested.

I think at this time you should be warned that this may all be a game of the pack to get you to come out to one of their members.

Once you come out to one of them they are now justified in further actions against you.

DO NOT offer data to this boy. Let him offer data to you first. Suspect his actions and his motives until he can demonstrate that his motives are 'pure' and not some terrible game of the pack.

I'm sorry. Its really a terrible thing for one to have to think in terms of game playing, and the potential motives here as being less than what you may wish them to be.

Just be careful - real careful.

[Dan1980]

Hi Nick. I would ignore him. If you decide to talk to him it's best to be careful.