FWB situation in high school - really need some advice

[Jv1561]

This is my first time ever posting on a fourm like this, but this is really driving me crazy and I really need some advice.

So I'm a senior in High school. Fun right.

Around 7 moths ago, this guy named David (not his real name) messages me on grindr. I vaugely recongize him from school (there's a ton of people in our grade) and we start talking. Turns out we have a fair amount in common and we text all the time.

A few days later I end up going over to his his when his parent's aren't there. Sexual things happen, and it's all well and good. We hangout a bit after, but eventually i have to leave before his parents come home.

Same thing happens the two days later. We talk when we pass in the hallways at school but not for long because we don't have any clases together.

We grab something to eat after school a few days later, but not for very long because his parents are super strict.

On the weekend we see a movie and sexual things happen there too.

By this point I'm starting to like this guy. One day I ask him if he wants to date. I can't remember the answer exactly but it was something along the lines of he wants to but he can't because of his parents.

So a little background on his parents, they're super religious. He's out to them, but they are not happy about it and don't approve. He says they don't really allow him to go out after school or on the weekend.

So after that we're hanging out like once every two weeks. 85% of it is sexual. I'm pretty unhappy with this, as the more I see him the more I want to actually date him.

Fast forward to February. That same thing has been going on for months now, no change.

Then one night we get into a really huge fight over text. It was essentially over the point that i explained i like him a lot romantically, and him saying he couldn't like someone like that because of his parents (which doesn't really seem to make sense?) anyways so we don't hook up for a month. I see him in school but we barely talk.

Then one day i text him about some thing and we decide to start having sex again.

We go on and off until the present moment where we're in an "on" cycle. The argument that i keeps coming back too is I like him a lot. He doesn't feel the same way. I'd like to see him a bit more often than once every two weeks. He says he can't because of his parents.

And now I'm at a crossroads. Do I just walk away? Do I keep talking to him?

Any thoughts you guys have on this would be much appreciated. I'm sure there's some details i forgot to add, so feel free to ask any questions.

[MikeW]

...And now I'm at a crossroads. Do I just walk away? Do I keep talking to him? ...

As a general rule, there are no "rules," all there is is what is true for you and what is true for him. You've told him what you want, he's told you he can't give you that -- at least not now, perhaps not ever. Being outside the situation, I can totally understand where he's coming from. Likely his financial security is tied to his parents. If he's planning on going to college, the parents may play a large role in that. If he's living under their roof, he pretty much has to abide by whatever rules they've set, whether he, or you, like it or not.

The question for you is, can you live with that, accept it being the way things are. No, they're not ideal, not the way you want them to be. He is doing what he feels he needs to do for himself. You can do the same. If that means moving on from this relationship (it is a 'relationship', IMO), then that would be your decision.

Let me put it to you this way, what do you want him to do and what do you think would happen with his relationship to his parents, and very likely his financial well-being, if he did what you want?

[Camfer]

By the time you're in your late teens, everyone has figured out a lot of ways to get around parental controls. That's the whole point of being a teenager, to develop who you will be as an adult separate from your parents, while still being under them in lesser and lesser degrees. I don't accept that your classmate is incapable of getting around his parents. If he really wanted to, he would. Probably he's seeing you as much as he wants.

You guys aren't FWBs because you're not really friends. You're more like FBs. (F**k Buddies, not Friends with Benefits, not to imply that you're actually f**king.)

If you want a relationship he's probably not the guy for you. But if you just want sex on occasion, you're pretty lucky to have that option available to you. I suspect a lot of guys your age would love to have that situation but haven't been able to work it out.

Since you're not dating him you are free to find someone to date. One option is for you to move on emotionally, look for someone who's open to date you, but not cut off completely from your classmate. This type of middle ground might be best for both of you.

[Jv1561]

[MENTION=12475]Mike[/MENTION] W
All those are very solid points. Of course I wouldn't expect him nor want him to do anything that places his fincial wellbeing in jeopardy.
[MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION]
Yes thank you!! Those were my thoughts exactly. It took me a while to figure out, but I think that's pretty fair to say. If he wanted to see me, he'd probably figure something out.

Yeah I suppose that could be a more accurate term for it.

The part that is still a bit confusing for me is that I would like to continue having sex on occasion. At the same time though, everytime i see him I'm reminded of how much more I like him than and it's very unpleasant for me when after we don't hangout we barely talk.

That's a good point, moving on emotionally is something I've attempted to do before without necessarily ending it. But again whenever I see do see him it reminds of my feelings and makes it harder to move on.

[Jv1561]

[MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION]

All of those are very solid points. Of course I would never expect him nor want him to do something that could put him at risk financially. I'm not entirely sure what exactly would happen if the parents found out.

[Lexington]

He's basically told you where he stands. He likes getting together with you, and having sex with you. He cannot, or will not, date you. You basically will be FWB, with an emphasis on the "B", for the foreseeable future. You can either accept this, or decide it's not enough and call it off. But those are basically your only two options.

Lex

[JohnSomebody]

Unfortunately...there are guys not only in their teens like you and the guy you are referring to in your post who have very strict, religious parents who do not approve of the gay lifestyle although they may be aware that their child is gay. I know a few guys that were a little older than your friend who went through the exact thing and if there parents are providing a lot of financial assistance, or even yet..most guys in this position do not want their parents to abandon them and they will go to certain extremes in order to obtain love and support from their parents which causes a lot of pressure, and even sometimes ...conflicting dilemmas when it comes to accepting or embracing their sexuality. However, like MikeW mentioned...this guy has mentioned to you what he is dealing with at home...therefore, its your decision as to whether you want him in your life so bad that you are willing to deal with the situation at hand...or you want more and need to walk away...Good Luck!!! JS

[Steveonthelake]

Some very good advice on here that I don't need to cover again. I know this is a difficult thing for you "young dudes", but PLEASE try to communicate verbally (face to face or on the phone). Too many things can be misinterpreted via text. It amazes me how disconnected people have become because they find so much comfort in texting so they can avoid confrontation and more often than not it creates more issues because of the nature of that type of communicating. Try to talk to him in person, be honest and sincere about how you feel. He might not agree with you, but at least it leaves nothing to question and when it is all said and done you will feel so much better about how YOU handled it. Good luck!

[LJay]

Well, you guys are far from enemies. I would hold on to that as long as possible. You need to face the restrictions put on him by his parents. He may be wise in not wanting to take things any further. After all, who would volunteer to get into trouble at home?

As for you, what about the future? Are you heading off for college or work? In the last part of your senior year there are a lot of things to think about. Have you really looked ahead? What about him? What are his plans? It is a time of transitions for you both. Maybe a good time to stay on good terms, but not to make big commitments.

[MikeW]

[MENTION=22849]Jv1561[/MENTION]

I want to underscore what [MENTION=21161]Steveonthelake[/MENTION] said re texting. Texting is fine for little things like making cute, funny comments or meeting up at the mall... but when it comes to discussing IMPORTANT PERSONAL MATTERS this should always be done in person or, at the very least voice/phone/skype. TEXT can be very easily mis-read. In person or with voice/image you can hear inflection and read facial expression and body language. Makes a huge difference in understanding one another.
[MENTION=20933]LJay[/MENTION] has a good point, too... what are YOUR plans for the near future? What's going to happen when you graduate?

Anyone interested... nice film dealing with a gay teenage relationship coming to an end (apparently) as they spend their last summer together after being together for years as a couple. It's on Netflix streaming and called "Last Summer." This is a very slow-moving, meditative film so if you need excitement and things blowing up to hold your attention, you'll find it boring.