Between Two Minds

[Adzz02]

Hey Guys! Haven't been on here for some time but really need some help and advice. I'll keep it short and sweet, but hopefully to the point.
Basically, been with my boyfriend around 20 months now and we live together. Everything has been going amazingly, but in the last 2/3 months there's been a few arguments etc. A couple of Sundays ago, it got to the stage of me packing my things and leaving (returning two days later)! We've discussed everything and it seems it's mostly to do with my sister. We've been very close the last. 3/4 years, but now I live away from home, she is always round etc. Anyway, on the day I moved out, I took her back to my house to get the computer but we were locked out and so she kicked the door several times. Because of this and other things my boyf hates her and she doesn't really like him. I have tries talking to them both but then it backfires and I end up being in the wrong. I don't know what to do anymore!! Please help?

[Nick9]

Hi,
I am not sure where the problem is. They need to see each other? You all live together? Can't they simply ignore each other?

[East]

If you really love the guy and you love your sister you need to ask both of them to respect each other and insist on it. If one or the other cant do that you may have to rethink your relationship with the person who cannot or will not respect that.

You also might want to keep your arguments between you and your boyfriend between the both of you and not involve anyone else because if you tell your sister she may think she is protecting you...and that can create alot of conflict.

Good Luck!

[Adzz02]

Thanks for the Responses!
Of course i love them both so much, but i just find it hard to feel like the person in the middle. They used to get on really well, but my boyfriend isn't the type to just forget and forgive, where as i am. We've discussed my sisters actions etc, and admittidly she is quite immature about things like this. However, I had to tell someone to help get everything off my chest. However it was only her i told, and its because we are close. But ive found out that my Boyfriend has told people at work etc and that hurts me because its nothing to do with them. I've asked him if perhaps if the three of us met up and discussed it but he doesnt want anything to do with her at the moment anyway. And i dont want to leave him for her and vice versa. Just want them to get on

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Stages of love: http://www.relationship-help.com/article....asp?id=64

I suspect you are currently in the 'power struggle' stage.

As for sister. She picked a side and now will be seen as the 'enemy'. Any third person getting involved with a couple's conflicts will become 'the enemy' - Once done its very difficult to undo.

What made this bad was that you left (yes only 2 days) but you have upset the security of the household, now every time he sees her he is reminded that you can vanish easily - too easily.

He now knows that you can easily pack up and leave - there is no security here, no certainty that they next time you argue that you won't leave. THAT will lead to him burying his true feelings - after all if he says nothing, then you don't leave. Burying stuff is only planting seeds of resentment. Resentment kills relationships.

So Sister is now a symbol of you leaving. Most likely hating her for your leaving is more secure than telling you he hates your leaving because in doing so he risks your leaving.

She shows up and there will be the nagging worry/doubt that you will stay.

YOU can't fix the relationship between him and her. You CAN fix your relationship with him.

Since you set this clear limit in his mind about what 'Us' can and cannot talk about 'safely' (without you packing up and leaving) he is most likely not going to work with you and share everything that bothers him. This means sister becomes the prime target for his frustrations - Until such time you decide to pull the 'I'm going home to momma' trick again, in which case he will either change the locks and tell you its over for good or he will start hiding his feelings and find some other object to vent frustration on.

I strongly suggest you to get a couple's counselor and have a safe environment in order to fully communicate. Right now your home is not safe (for him) to fully open up.

[pellaz]

it takes two to argue, dont argue with your bf and there is no problemo.
never move out on your partner unless you plan NOT to return. So make this decision when you have a calm and logical mind, not in a fit of anger.

keep your sister out of your life till she can do the same ( not argue ). Why are you inviting your family into your bed. When you can sex your sister than she has the right to take the active roll and meddle between you and your partner.

sorry; i see the resulting bad YOUR fault and YOU need to manage this

[zeon]

Hello there,
It appears to me that your sister and your boyfriend are seeing each other as a threat however they dont need to do that because the only person being hurt is you... Now with regards to your boyfriend for starters he must understand that if he is going to be living with you and without any queeny bitch fit that typical raving homos have, he must understand that his home is also yourself and therefore your sister is more than welcome to come round and visit... Providing that she doesnt cause offence within reason he cannot request that she leaves.. I agree to some point if she is causing offence to him he shouldnt feel unable to live happily in his own home as welll...
Now your sister should understand that if your happy with him then she must respect this and if wishing to visit must adhere to rules and regulations stipulated.. Without taking sides a home is a kingdom and your home is your kingdom along with your boyfriends... I would ask her to be civil under the roof if wishing to come... The arguments need to stop and if they dont then I seriously suggest you both sit down together and talk them over because you shouldnt be arguing as a couple or even if you ended back as friends still then you shouldnt and if you do find yourselves arguing you both need to apologise...
Now your sister and your boyfriend both need to understand that TUG OF WAR is not to be played with when a loved one is representing the rope... I can understand you care for you sister as you do for your boyfriend but in my eyes they both need to find mutual ground and it is going to require you to tell them both... No billy bullshitting mister because thats pointless and you might as well let them carry on fighting over you... Tell them both straight... Either accept one another or both fuck off your taking no more shit from em in your own home and if your boyfriend wishes to lock you out again he will loose you for good and your sister needs to understand that if she wishes to try to cause problems through conflict of interest... She doesnt visit the home she visits you in a neutral ground such as a coffee shop... Why should you suffer by their arrogance and dis respectful behjaviour??? I know i wouldnt stand for it and say it how it is so why should you?

Kindest regards

Aunty Zeon
Gayspeak Agony Aunt

[dfiant]

I am going to be blunt and to the point.

This is YOUR relationship. YOUR boy friend and YOUR sister are intricate and important parts of your life, they need to coexist together in YOUR life for YOUR happiness.

Grow a pair of balls, sit down with both of them and tell them to get over themselves because they are destroying your faith in your relationships, or they can fuck off and leave you alone because you are sick and tired of putting up with their childish shit.

Idle threads can sometimes make people think and change situations

[Adzz02]

Thanks for more Replies!
I think i packed my things and left because i couldnt handle any more arguments and this one tipped us both over the edge. Saying and doing things we both deeply regret. My Boyfriend has been through alot in his life (Being kicked out from home, suffering with bulemia and depression) and I want to be there for him and help him out as much as i can but sometimes i just find it so hard to help him when he is in a 'low mood' and it seems nothing i do can get him out of it. We were always happy until as i said probably end of february time. Things seem to be getting to us both so easily and take things out on each other. I love him so so much, but at the same time i love my sister too pieces too. They used to get on really well, and i guess i just miss that aspect. I've said to my sister and him about meeting and talking it through, she is willing to, but he isnt (due to being hurt so much in the past and because right now he cant stand her). Its killing me knowing that if i speak to her, he wont 'approve' or it will make him in a 'low mood'. I cant just erase her from my life. I dont want to loose either of them, but at the moment i feel its got to a stage of having to choose one over the other :|.

[dfiant]

If he isn't willing to be flexible, then you have made the right move...Blood is thicker than water ;-)