Personal Paramnesia

[Pinter]

'Allo, boys and girls. I am a single man living.... somewhere. I suppose in this post it might also be relevant that I'm a virgin, or haven't even been kissed yet. Most of that is in part to being roughly completely lost as to my own identity. So, time to talk. (Though I have no idea where it wold be proper to start.)

To start off with I suppose it would be entirely accurate to say that I'm not entirely "attracted" to others, at least not to the extent that I see in others. For instance, many people I know will say after watching a film or television show that x or x actor was so hot. While I can certainly acknowledge the sexual attractiveness of men or women, it's not something I really focus on. There are days when I notice people, and I can certainly be attracted to individuals. I've been on dates. I just... have less of a drive about this stuff than almost anyone I know.

Am I more attracted to men or women? Well, probably men. However, I find that in large part that's probably because I am, as I said, considerably understated with my sexuality and women (sorry ladies) aren't exactly go getters when it comes to the relationship thing. I'd like to be swept off my feet. However, to be blunt, I have a pretty sensitive anus, and I don't think I'd find the idea of anal intercourse all that attractive. (Most days, that is. There are a few where it would be my cup of coffee.) As far as women: well, for a while I thought I was pretty much completely gay. Then I met a few women who made me reconsider. We went on dates. There was no kissing, but there was physical contact and I gotta say... done more for me then any of the gentlemen at this point. I felt completely comfortable to everything. As it stands now, I work in a place surrounded by beautiful women. Every so often, a day comes when it's just hard to concentrate, haha.

My last part of the puzzle: I'm not uncomfortable being a man, but I often feel I would have made a better woman. It's partially a social thing, partially a sexual thing. Socially, I work looking after children. I'm not making much money, and it certainly isn't what I got my degree in. I love it, and I don't want to change. However, I know plenty of people who are wondering what I'm doing with my life because they believe that men are supposed to be the bread winners in a relationship. I'm not saying that their beliefs are going to change mine, but women have a much easier time of it. Also, while I like to do "outdoorsy" and "manly" things, I generally leave the macho bullshit at the door. I'm not saying that I feel... prissy (for a lack of a better word), but I feel I'd find a much easier niche as a Tomboy than a... somewhat less than manly manly man.

Now for the sexual part. Well, like I said above, I'm pretty understated with my own sexuality. I'll be honest, when I'm barhopping, and I see a girl walk in, do nothing but laugh at some poor drunk's, or perhaps an attractive sober man's jokes, and walk out with what will probably be a good night I'm jealous. I would love to be attractive enough to turn heads, or at least attractive enough for someone to notice me. I don't really have the drive to pick up women or men, and with my current amount of sexual experience... well, I think it's safe to say I feel sorry for any future sexual partners. On a purely physical level I've heard from many straight men, and straight and bi women that women enjoy sex more. Seeing as I don't have much of a discernible preference, I'm pretty sure that's the boat I'd rather be in too, haha. Plus, I love kids. I'd love to be preggers. (Though I'm not sure about delivery.)

However, I'm not really sure if I qualify for any TG box. Like I said, I do a lot of physically intensive activities outdoors. Rock climbing, mountain climbing, and hiking, to name a few. I know that there are plenty of women who do these things, but I've also seen from personal experience that they're much more physically challenged to do so. I don't work out, and I'll be pretty okay for a 16 km hike whenever. A friend of mine goes to the gym three times a week, and she has trouble with anything over 7km. Plus, I like being a big guy, and being pretty much scared of no one. I mean, I know that there are plenty of people in the world who could beat me up, but I'm not the first guy you're going to pick if you want to rob someone. My kids love it too, and I can generally do more horseplay at work than any of the female teachers, which is great. So, it's not like I really feel I'm in the wrong body so much as I'd... feel better in another? I also have no positive thoughts about going under the knife.

I know that in the end, it's me who has to decide exactly what I am but I wouldn't mind some advice at all, haha. What do I sound like to you folks? Has anyone ever had a similar experience?

[Nick9]

Hi Pinter,
the more of your post I was reading, the more often TG popped in my head.

...well, I think it's safe to say I feel sorry for any future sexual partners.

that's colossal bullshit. Get this crap out of your head as soon as possible, okay?

On a purely physical level I've heard from many straight men, and straight and bi women that women enjoy sex more.

this is another bs. Have you ever been on any female discussion board? Try it. Finding pleasure in sex has nothing to do with gender.

I just... have less of a drive about this stuff than almost anyone I know.

I believe this changes, you can feel differently in a year and then again after another year. I wouldn't make a big thing out of this.

and I don't think I'd find the idea of anal intercourse all that attractive.

That doesn't mean you couldn't be in a long time gay relationship.

or at least attractive enough for someone to notice me.

people who notice you just because of your look, are not necessarily the right long time partners. You surely have some other qualities for which other people notice you. If you are in doubts, read your post again, you will find some

So, it's not like I really feel I'm in the wrong body so much as I'd... feel better in another?

What about feeling like two persons in one body?

I also have no positive thoughts about going under the knife.

I doubt that any TG has.

it's me who has to decide exactly what I am

actually, you don't have to. If you are okay with that, there is no need to have a label. TGs are staying somewhere in the middle. Have you heard about neutrois? http://www.neutrois.com/ They are somewhere in the middle too.
Before someone stood up and said "Okay, let's call this group of people TS/neurois" they lived without a label too. Just like bi.

Knowing your label can help you with searching for information. But you not necessarily need a label. So, if you simply don't know, don't panic. You can live a pretty good life without a label

[Pinter]

Hi Pinter,
the more of your post I was reading, the more often TG popped in my head.

Why would that be, exactly?

that's colossal bullshit. Get this crap out of your head as soon as possible, okay?

I have been, and have seen new people in demanding positions. They're terrible, haha.

Sorry if it's pessimistic, but I find it hard to believe it would be different with anything else.

this is another bs. Have you ever been on any female discussion board? Try it. Finding pleasure in sex has nothing to do with gender.

Nope! I just had a lot of open friends in college. They talked about sex, a lot.

I'm sorry, not trying to be willfully ignorant here, but it just seemed like something that I've heard over and over again. Maybe I just knew a lot of lucky gals.

I believe this changes, you can feel differently in a year and then again after another year. I wouldn't make a big thing out of this.

It's been quite a few years running then. I don't remember it ever being different since my first few years of puberty. That was a while ago.

That doesn't mean you couldn't be in a long time gay relationship.

True, I suppose. But I'd run out of blow job jokes eventually.

people who notice you just because of your look, are not necessarily the right long time partners. You surely have some other qualities for which other people notice you. If you are in doubts, read your post again, you will find some

Haha, thanks.

I know it's not the best to look for long term, but... any term? Mostly, I'd just like to be blazingly hot to counter my own stuttering sex drive, haha. I know I have just as good a chance of finding someone who loves me the way I look now than if I looked... different. Hell, I'm pretty good looking for a dude, if I say so myself. (Though, of course, you'll have to take my word for it! No pics!)

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I'd like to be the desired than the desirer. 'Spose I could just go to gay bars, but that might be... well, I suppose I could just say I have a religious/conservative family, some of whom I love very much. I'd like to put off any potential lynchings as long as possible, haha.

What about feeling like two persons in one body?

Suppose that might work, though I tend to stay away from those philosophies on principal, haha. Iunno, might tell one of my friends in the know when she's done with her whole, "I just had a baby and now I don't have to talk to anyone" thing. See what she makes of it.

I doubt that any TG has.

Well, perhaps I could clarify. Besides the whole negatives of cost and (in the US) public shaming laws, I don't see many benefits. I mean, I a) have a really stocky build. Don't tell me I'm going to look like one of those famous TG models, because all of them that I know of were doing that shit forever. b) I am actually kind of fond of my dick, and if you took any more of my sex drive away by say... removing my genitals, it'd be practically non existent. c) I don't fancy being a social outcast and broke at the same time, thank you.

actually, you don't have to. If you are okay with that, there is no need to have a label. TGs are staying somewhere in the middle. Have you heard about neutrois? <link redacted> They are somewhere in the middle too.
Before someone stood up and said "Okay, let's call this group of people TS/neurois" they lived without a label too. Just like bi.

Knowing your label can help you with searching for information. But you not necessarily need a label. So, if you simply don't know, don't panic. You can live a pretty good life without a label

Thanks for being so helpful, guy.

[Nick9]

Why would that be, exactly?

Just a wild guess. Male/female, a bit from everything, things starting to be a bit more evident up to the point where you are starting to think about it and ask questions.

I have been, and have seen new people in demanding positions. They're terrible, haha.

That was about me?

Sorry if it's pessimistic, but I find it hard to believe it would be different with anything else.

You've lost me there. Low self-esteem?

Nope! I just had a lot of open friends in college. They talked about sex, a lot.

I'm sorry, not trying to be willfully ignorant here, but it just seemed like something that I've heard over and over again. Maybe I just knew a lot of lucky gals.

Well, then do it. Find a forum where talk women to women. You don't expect girls to be honest about sex while talking to a guy, do you? :biggrin:
Anonymous internet discussion is where to look for intimate things people don't talk aloud about. Maybe it will ease your mind.

It's been quite a few years running then. I don't remember it ever being different since my first few years of puberty. That was a while ago.

True, I suppose. But I'd run out of blow job jokes eventually.

*frustrating sigh* :biggrin: You don't like a positive approach, do you? :biggrin:

I know it's not the best to look for long term, but... any term? Mostly, I'd just like to be blazingly hot to counter my own stuttering sex drive, haha. I know I have just as good a chance of finding someone who loves me the way I look now than if I looked... different. Hell, I'm pretty good looking for a dude, if I say so myself. (Though, of course, you'll have to take my word for it! No pics!)

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I'd like to be the desired than the desirer. 'Spose I could just go to gay bars, but that might be... well, I suppose I could just say I have a religious/conservative family, some of whom I love very much. I'd like to put off any potential lynchings as long as possible, haha.

I guess there are lots of threads about this at GS.

Suppose that might work, though I tend to stay away from those philosophies on principal, haha.

LOL I am not talking philosophy here, I am talking TG.

Well, perhaps I could clarify. Besides the whole negatives of cost and (in the US) public shaming laws, I don't see many benefits. I mean, I a) have a really stocky build. Don't tell me I'm going to look like one of those famous TG models, because all of them that I know of were doing that shit forever. b) I am actually kind of fond of my dick, and if you took any more of my sex drive away by say... removing my genitals, it'd be practically non existent. c) I don't fancy being a social outcast and broke at the same time, thank you.

Try to be more open-minded and less judgmental, will you?
Do you know what difference is between TS and TG?
http://www.ftmaustralia.org/transition-i...lism-table

I believe you would find something similar for MtF, I am lazzy to look any further :tongue:

Thanks for being so helpful, guy.

You are welcome. Don't let me push you into anything, though. Again, the label is not important. It's your feeling what counts.

[pellaz]

first off welcome to gayspeak, i hope what we say is relavent and you stay with us.

' ... While I can certainly acknowledge the sexual attractiveness of men or women, it's not something I really focus on. There are days when I notice people, and I can certainly be attracted to individuals. I've been on dates. I just... have less of a drive about this stuff than almost anyone I know ...

use it or loose it. N America especially; religion and society has repressed a lot of sexual desire and labeled it as bad. Especially for gay and bi men. Work on accepting who you are and how you deserve to play a part in the scheme of things, you need to love your self to be able to start a relationship. Work on the self love issue so you can acknowledge you deserve to be loved.

'Allo, boys and girls. I am a single man living.... somewhere.

would be nice to know about the age location here because:
-how much life experience you have is proportional to your age. If your 20years old you have time to make mistakes and experience things. If your 30 well you should have done this.
-location, location, location. LGBT acceptance in say NYC or Atalanta or even Denver is higher than say a small south east town America. Another thing is Colorado has fairly good employment protection, you cant be fired for being gay. In a larger city there are more options.

' ... I have a pretty sensitive anus, and I don't think I'd find the idea of anal intercourse all that attractive.

Some gay couples only do oral sex and are completely satisfied in their relationship. In a loving kind relationship you will want to feel our partner in you? he will be patient and gentile to get you there. In all your post I dont see a lot of talk how you would be able to maintain a relationship gay straight or bi. This is the real issue and the sex is secondary. So first love your self and be able to think you can and deserve to love someone else.

'... I'm not uncomfortable being a man, but I often feel I would have made a better woman.

somehow i think this is the most important thing in your post, I dont have the skills here.


general stuff not mentioned but implied:
-being gay dosnt mean you dont like sports or you only get off on gay porn. It dosnt mean you have to like the theater, or any of the stereotypical things society has dictated we must do as gay men. Being gay does say tho you are able to carry on, with success, a relationship with the same sex.
-gay straight or bi look at a potential partner from a physical view point; look at your self in the mirror and your partner should look like you. Consider what you want in life total and along those lines what are your strong points. What are you missing if anything, and finally what does your potential partner bring to the table. Its like you having great lower body strength and can go hiking all day. The partner may have the upper body strength. Different but still compliment and share some same interests.
-relationships are a lot of work and BOTH partners have to want to be in a relationship. Communication, respect and trust are the main components in a relationship. Its the acceptance that another will share your life; if you emotionally or physically violate your partner you do it to your self. If you cut your hair different or wear a different cologne you should consult our partner; people change through life and we must rember to bring along you partner as you change, tho ever so small a change he or she is part of it.
-This is a good time to be gay or Bi. But it is a minority (3-8% of the population) so social acceptance is not all 100%. You may eternally burn in hell but the religious right have said this back in the 80's about inter-racial marriage. Being gay or bi is still is a more difficult life but dont take the easy way out and ignore the whole issue because...
-If you are gay you will really do bad and harm to be in a straight relationship with two children. It is very important you figure what you want and can do. Lots of research saying You can adopt, if you are gay, and be an effective parent. All good but this seems to be an issue for you.

[Pinter]

Just a wild guess. Male/female, a bit from everything, things starting to be a bit more evident up to the point where you are starting to think about it and ask questions.

Ah, was thinking you thought this before I broke out that last bit.

You've lost me there. Low self-esteem?

Possibly, yeah. My history of relations wouldn't be anything to make coloring books out of.

Well, then do it. Find a forum where talk women to women. You don't expect girls to be honest about sex while talking to a guy, do you?

What's the point of honest discussion if people are falsifying everything?

Anonymous internet discussion is where to look for intimate things people don't talk aloud about. Maybe it will ease your mind.

Suppose that's true.

*frustrating sigh* You don't like a positive approach, do you?

What's wrong with being pleasantly surprised than constantly disappointed?

Try to be more open-minded and less judgmental, will you?
Do you know what difference is between TS and TG?

I guess I am a bit of a TG, huh.

As I said before, I'm not uncomfortable with my body, but I guess that fits in the chart.

Now for the new guy! Allo, new guy!

use it or loose it. N America especially; religion and society has repressed a lot of sexual desire and labeled it as bad. Especially for gay and bi men. Work on accepting who you are and how you deserve to play a part in the scheme of things, you need to love your self to be able to start a relationship. Work on the self love issue so you can acknowledge you deserve to be loved.

Rings true for a lot of my experience, actually. Went to a rather draconian private elementary school, had a mother and father constantly fighting... and taking out some of it on me. I moved around a lot, so I never developed any attachments and managed to be thoroughly sexually harassed by members of both genders growing up.

Still, there's another side. Right now, for instance, I see lots of my friends binge drinking, which gets them into accidents and out of any unique travel or exploration activities provided by our employment. They're getting frustrated too, and all because of one thing: the inability to get laid out here, and the fact that they focus on it.

I am improving on the self love, but it's a slow process, and one that I can't claim all the credit for. I have my kids to thank for a lot of it. I'd tell anyone to work with children if they get the chance.

would be nice to know about the age location here because:
-how much life experience you have is proportional to your age. If your 20years old you have time to make mistakes and experience things. If your 30 well you should have done this.
-location, location, location. LGBT acceptance in say NYC or Atalanta or even Denver is higher than say a small south east town America. Another thing is Colorado has fairly good employment protection, you cant be fired for being gay. In a larger city there are more options.

I will take your advice under consideration and say... all of my location information is a lie. On purpose. I am somewhere else on the globe entirely.

I can tell you I am under 30 though.

Some gay couples only do oral sex and are completely satisfied in their relationship. In a loving kind relationship you will want to feel our partner in you? he will be patient and gentile to get you there. In all your post I dont see a lot of talk how you would be able to maintain a relationship gay straight or bi. This is the real issue and the sex is secondary. So first love your self and be able to think you can and deserve to love someone else.

:lmao

Everyone is so nice here! But seriously, I am well versed in my shortcomings as a human being, especially those that I cause myself! (To all those who ask if you can really be insane if you know you are, the answer is unfortunately yes!)

I did not come here to seek relationship advice, that is another cat of bags entirely. Not that I'd expect you to read my every post, but in my introductory post I did explicitly mention my own lack of desire for sex or relationships. I know I have to fix myself before I inflict it on others. Unfortunately, I'm a bit out of the way from any competent therapists, nor would I have the funds to visit one.

Mostly, I just came here to ask... what the hell am I? It's a bit of a problem.

If you are gay you will really do bad and harm to be in a straight relationship with two children. It is very important you figure what you want and can do. Lots of research saying You can adopt, if you are gay, and be an effective parent. All good but this seems to be an issue for you.

I came from a home with two parents who loved me but were terrible at parenting. I . Will. Not. Inflict. That. On. Anyone. Ever.

Funnily enough, the only person I have idly thought on and off again about adopting kids with would be another man, a close friend... and someone who identifies as bi/asexual. He has told me that while he's open to the idea of a relationship with men, he finds the idea of any form of physical contact disgusting, but he says that about women too. Personally, I think he's nuttier than I am. He is, however, great with kids, and he wants to be an EMT. Hawt.

Unfortunately, he is in the USA. And I will not be, for... maybe a decade, haha. Who knows? Loving my job so much is going to be absolutely terrible for my relationship prospects.

To sum up, while I would definitely love to see a mini me running around some day, and there are a few women who I could do it with, I am aware that I'd have to be completely honest with any partner before I made a long term commitment, and I'm open to the idea of adoption.

[Nick9]

Ah, was thinking you thought this before I broke out that last bit.

I did.

I guess I am a bit of a TG, huh.

Good luck and have fun exploring further

[Pinter]

Clearly, this duality is all part of my gemini nature. *sage nod*

[Nick9]

I doubt that all gemini are TG

But who knows?

[pellaz]

... Right now, for instance, I see lots of my friends ... They're getting frustrated too, and all because of one thing: the inability to get laid out here, and the fact that they focus on it ...

sounds like a bad place to experiment and find the new you.