Im a relitively happy gay guy from Northern England. I've got personality faults and they provide me with great concern along with how the other half (some know) of the family will treat me when they know im gay. But that doesnt matter because I cant seem to get a boyfriend... for the life of me 
Im well aware nobody needs a partner to be happy BUT I've been a happy and adjusted single person for a while TOO LONG! and theres a lot of things I want to experience instead of just imagining...
Now a bunch of friends have offered at times to take me to gay bars but I know I wouldn't like the scene, being that im practically a straight guy who likes men, with no excessive masculine or feminine traits, I havent changed since I came out to my friends and have no intension to. Im also not after one night stands but something meaningful so gay bars are not for me.
But as I think all young inexperienced gays propably experience (thats why im here) theres a feeling that without being a totally outgoing gay your never going to find anyone, gay people wont look at you if they dont know your gay and playing up that im gay to everyone I know IMO it makes me look like a prat.
I also find I don't fit around gay people and I commonly find no common ground between them and myself. Nor do I go out clubbing or drinking much being that I don't like the audience, so im alienating my chances of finding someone some what badly.
Despite this I know theres a guy out for me who would find my flaws cute so im not too worried, just frustrated because I want to start dating and don't know where to begin.
Forums like this provide a confident base where you can have a form of mutual respect within a community whereas ananomous chat sites are very much free for alls and pretty intimidating areas that as of yet I havent made a serious effort with.
So you've got the internet chat rooms which don't feel any more comfortable than a gay bar to me with sex being the centrefold word. Im also not confident in how I look, being a very tall person who just looks unbalanced 
The internet provides a great starting point for that but I always feel im misleading the person or vice versa (ive learned the hard way people arnt as they appear)
So my freinds are slowly getting paired off of late and their all straight, so I figured whens it gunna be my turn to have a bf and so posted this.
Advice !
(and merry xmas xxx)
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
I would say I can really relate to some of your points you made. I'm not excessively masculine or feminine, I haven't changed since coming out (to those I've come out to, don't club or pub it too often - have never been on the scene myself yet... but I think I would want to get that experience in... and agree that personals / chat room sites are far more sex orientated.
But I believe that long-term r'ships could literally be found anywhere. There are people here who have made successful r'ships from the personals sites. You could well find your boyfriend in one of the gay clubs. It's all about getting out there and meeting people.
Sure, there's going to be those that are just after 1 night stands - and it'd be up to you whether you went with it or turned them down. But amongst all those there are going to be like minded people there that are also looking for their Mr Right.
I'm not sure of the services available outside of London, but within, there are day courses and workshops available for gay people... saying that I've just looked at the site and there's one course they've started on a more nationwide scale... Building Your Confidence... Newcastle one in Feb '08 http://www.gmfa.org.uk/national/newcastle/index - a good thing too if they start running the other courses on a national level too.
But my point there was... it would be another opportunity to meet guys.
Merry Xmas to you too. x
•
Oi!
You seem to have stolen my whole life situation!
(Except you're about 6 inches taller than me! :eek 
Except mates don't offer to take me to gay clubs coz there's none in my town. (Hartlepool is so balls. ¬_¬ ) Or if they do offer to find one and take me they're joking coz they know I've not got the confidence. Great mates me, sometimes 
So, anyway, as for advice I can't really give you anything since I'm in a pretty similar state. Apart from maybe find a nearby LGBT place? See if they've got any stuff you can join in on? Get a few links in the gay world?
(PS Merry Christmas to you too, and Happy Birthday for a few weeks back (if I've worked that out correctly from your PS)  mile
Ooo - edit - i just found this! http://www.mesmacnortheast.com/pages/loc...es/men.php
•
Ok boys, perhaps I can help you out a bit as I'm that much older than you, and I have been through your situation ...
I found that, when I came out, I didn't know ANY gay people in my physical real-life day-to-day world ... and living on a 9 x 5 island and having a fear of travelling doesn't MASSIVELY increase your prospects of finding people to kick about with, let alone date let me tell ya !!
So I turned to the internet - first and foremost as a method of trying to find like-minded people to COMMUNICATE with (and I found forums like the uk.gay.com boards (which have since sadly closed) and others (and now Gayspeak) to be extremely helpful in that regard), and then only later as a possibility of meeting those people in real-life and so on ...
HOWEVER, there is something which you've not considered which is real-life networking.
I SHIVER when I hear people going "YOU'RE gay and ... I've got a gay friend - I'll introduce you !!", but it does provide you with the opportunity to meet other gay people in a generally non-threatening way (as in, you trust most of your mates, and they trust you, so odds are they're not going to introduce you to anybody THEY consider to be dodgy), and from there you can either get to know them as mates, meet them once and think "I don't even want you as a FRIEND to be honest", or maybe even take things further and kick around with them for a bit ... meet some of their mates and so on and so forth.
So that's something you might like to consider.
I think on the general point of why you've not got boyfriends yet, you should be very careful before you start to take it PERSONALLY. I've been speaking with Wouldlikemuscle for quite a while now, and I've 100% confidence that he will find himself a guy and settle down and be TOTALLY happy with his situation, as he's a FIND, and I'm sure if I took the time to speak with either of you guys, I'd come to a similar conclusion (or I'd HOPE to at least !!) - so I'm sure you're not as pivotal an issue as you might think - you've hit the nail on the head though, when you say that it's simply a case of being seen to kickstart the process of getting to be known and meeting people ...
It needn't be in a gay clubbing/pub-going/sleazy sex kinda setting either - not at all ! Simply meeting gay people doesn't necessitate any kind of further contact, and Stephen55 I think you'll find that the reason you don't feel any kinship with many gay people is because THE ONLY similarity you have with another gay man at first instance is your sexuality, and that's not really a MASSIVE connection for conversation or friendship - you'll meet as many twats as cool guys in the gay world as you will the straight when all's said and done.
So my advice would be to take your time, NOT rush yourselves, accept that it's not you that's the problem in your respective situations - it's just that you're not as widely known as you could be, and that THAT is what's holding you back at this time, and then take steps to address it ... perhaps see (as Wilem and Wouldlikemuscle have said) about finding some LGBT events or clubs or groups in your area to get to know, or networking through your friends ...
Neither should be traumatic or unpleasant, and you can control the pace.
Here if you need me x
 .
!?!?! Shadow !?!?!
•
Enormously helpfully and inspiring advice there guys, xxx
•
Stephen55 Wrote:Enormously helpfully and inspiring advice there guys, xxx
u said it!! it's the best advice i have heard so far, thanks :biggrin:
•
Shadow Wrote:Ok boys, perhaps I can help you out a bit as I'm that much older than you, and I have been through your situation ...
I found that, when I came out, I didn't know ANY gay people in my physical real-life day-to-day world ... and living on a 9 x 5 island and having a fear of travelling doesn't MASSIVELY increase your prospects of finding people to kick about with, let alone date let me tell ya !!
So I turned to the internet - first and foremost as a method of trying to find like-minded people to COMMUNICATE with (and I found forums like the uk.gay.com boards (which have since sadly closed) and others (and now Gayspeak) to be extremely helpful in that regard), and then only later as a possibility of meeting those people in real-life and so on ...
HOWEVER, there is something which you've not considered which is real-life networking.
I SHIVER when I hear people going "YOU'RE gay and ... I've got a gay friend - I'll introduce you !!", but it does provide you with the opportunity to meet other gay people in a generally non-threatening way (as in, you trust most of your mates, and they trust you, so odds are they're not going to introduce you to anybody THEY consider to be dodgy), and from there you can either get to know them as mates, meet them once and think "I don't even want you as a FRIEND to be honest", or maybe even take things further and kick around with them for a bit ... meet some of their mates and so on and so forth.
So that's something you might like to consider.
I think on the general point of why you've not got boyfriends yet, you should be very careful before you start to take it PERSONALLY. I've been speaking with Wouldlikemuscle for quite a while now, and I've 100% confidence that he will find himself a guy and settle down and be TOTALLY happy with his situation, as he's a FIND, and I'm sure if I took the time to speak with either of you guys, I'd come to a similar conclusion (or I'd HOPE to at least !!) - so I'm sure you're not as pivotal an issue as you might think - you've hit the nail on the head though, when you say that it's simply a case of being seen to kickstart the process of getting to be known and meeting people ...
It needn't be in a gay clubbing/pub-going/sleazy sex kinda setting either - not at all ! Simply meeting gay people doesn't necessitate any kind of further contact, and Stephen55 I think you'll find that the reason you don't feel any kinship with many gay people is because THE ONLY similarity you have with another gay man at first instance is your sexuality, and that's not really a MASSIVE connection for conversation or friendship - you'll meet as many twats as cool guys in the gay world as you will the straight when all's said and done.
So my advice would be to take your time, NOT rush yourselves, accept that it's not you that's the problem in your respective situations - it's just that you're not as widely known as you could be, and that THAT is what's holding you back at this time, and then take steps to address it ... perhaps see (as Wilem and Wouldlikemuscle have said) about finding some LGBT events or clubs or groups in your area to get to know, or networking through your friends ...
Neither should be traumatic or unpleasant, and you can control the pace.
Here if you need me x
.
!?!?! Shadow !?!?!
That's freakishly good advice!
Do you mind if I ask, when did you start dating, Shadow?
•
Just a question really ... whenever I see mention of gay bars or pubs there seems to be an implication that they are really just meat factories. I go to my local gay pub knowing that there is usually someone to talk to ... actually, to be honest I am more likely to ask one or two leading questions and let them do most of the talking. A St Clements with ice and a nice conversation. Is my use of a pub very unusual?
•
I was kinda naive when I was younger. I came out when I was about 15 to most of my mates. I came out to my mate Nik when we were 14 as he was also gay - so it was quite cool. Anyway, he set me up with one of his mates called Vinny - he was a lovely guy - really made me laugh. For instance when he walked into accessorize (which for the record is a GIRL's hat & accessories shop) and totally seriously said "oh I need a new hat!" - not realising that it was a girl's shop... haha. We went on a really nice date, watched a film im Kino and kissed and such on the train all the way home. I thought coz it had gone so well things would be all good. But I was in a chat convo with Nik and Vinny a few days after and Nik said "so your date went so well, are you now going out?" and Vinny said something along the lines of "no... we'll have to see how things go" and I remember getting really offended thinking that he didn't like me etc (even though we'd kissed on a train... in public (which i guess is quite a big thing at that age when you think about it!)... all the way home)... and we never ended up speaking again - so yeah I kinda regret that, so would like to reitterate Shadow's point that you shouldn't just jump to conclusions if people reject you or if they say 'let's get to know eachother first' etc etc. It's not always with cruel intentions (haha love that film!) but often really means that they just don't want to rush into things etc. But like I say I was stupidly naive at that age.
That said, Shadow and the guys have of course, (not that I'd expect any less from them) given the most sound advice!
•
marshlander Wrote:Just a question really ... whenever I see mention of gay bars or pubs there seems to be an implication that they are really just meat factories. I go to my local gay pub knowing that there is usually someone to talk to ... actually, to be honest I am more likely to ask one or two leading questions and let them do most of the talking. A St Clements with ice and a nice conversation. Is my use of a pub very unusual?
What's a st.clements?! haha!
Hmmm well I've only really been to 1 or 2 and none were local.
The first one was in Bromley, just outside of London. I went there with a mate Liam and it was quite weird. Then I went to Birmingham to visit a mate. We were gonna go to a big club, Oceana but we got refused under stupid grounds so we went off to Nightingales - big gay nightclub round the corner. And we stopped in a little pub on the corner to use a cash point and the loo. But it wasn't til we noticed men all over men that we realised it was a gay pub... and it was quite strange as not really used to pubs being a setting. mile: However I'm sure that a gay pub would actually be a MUCH better setting for getting to know people and hence why gay bars/clubs have this 'meat factory' reputation you speak of mile:
•
|
