Just out of my first relationship, not sure why?

[azulai]

Rob, I saw your message about other posts but I'm going to add one thing. I'm usually one of the blunt ones around here. But, I do not get a sense of entitlement from you AT ALL. You sound grounded.

There's no doubt in my mind that there were emotions. Six months is a good chunk of time. But remember, during that time we date guys we are learning about each other's real nature when the "dating/glow mode" is off and we settle into the relationship, we see the annoying little habits and we determine if we can accept them.

I do agree with Latebloomer with the passive-aggressive behavior this guy was exhibiting. That may be how this guy handles his problems, is this what you want in a partner?

I told him all I wanted was for him to be as affectionate and caring with me as he used to be, he told me "I think you got spoiled." *I* got spoiled? By what???

You have to ask yourself if you want more of this?^^^
That's the kind of games that this guy will continue to play with you.

[ThatRobGuy]

All good points, azulai. I guess I just expected him to be straightforward and honest with me like I was with him, but some people just like playing games.

And no, I don't think I have any sense of entitlement. All I expect is to be treated as well as I treat the other person in the relationship. I think that should go without saying though for anyone.

[pellaz]

... pellaz - I had several conversations with him about his behavior towards and treatment of me and it just got worse, so making a pact with him about changing his behavior unfortunately isn't going to work. He's told me before that when people tell him what to do, it makes him want to do the opposite. I think somehow he's applying that to me telling him that he's making me unhappy and that I want him to treat me differently. Not sure how that is classified as telling him what to do, but I think he's interpreting it that way ...

Relationships need the communication thing. You need to find someone more mature. Reference " He's told me before that when people tell him what to do, it makes him want to do the opposite" I wish i could do that sometimes but not.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Great, now we know all of his issues, tell me some of YOUR issues....

Well actually do not tell me your issues (We do not need to know - you do), instead explore this relationship from the angle of what you did wrong.

When a person (yes even I do this) enters into a relationship s/he puts on a mask. That mask is our trying to be what we think that others find attractive in us. Around 3-6 months into the relationship, we start allowing that mask to slip and eventually fall away.

I seriously doubt you didn't construct your own mask, you most likely did and wore it rather well but then started letting the real you slip out. He too also did this, thus the seeming change in his personality.

The best you can do is attempt to identify your mask, what attributes you threw into the creation of that mask and try (it may be something you are unable to do) try to not incorporate these elements into your own mask.

When a relationship ends too often we get caught up in what is wrong with the other and not focus upon ourselves. When we really need to take a deep look at our own personality and character the most, we tend to focus on the other.

There is nothing you can do to change him, and I seriously doubt you will ever truly figure out all of the 'why' behind his making his mask.

I personally do not do text messaging for important communication in a relationship. Too much is lost, body language, tone of voice, facial expressions. We humans developed our language next to these things and relate far much more data (important data) via these other methods.

I suggest in future that you make a rule to not use text messaging for serious communication. Yes you can text the incidental "I wuv U", however the more serious acts of communicating should be done face to face with no distractions.

We all have issues - and those who deny that they have issues usually have deeper issues than those who admit they have issues. YOU carry baggage, HE carries baggage - and no matter what man you get with now or in future you are going to have to accept defects of character.

While you can control to some small degree which defects of character you will accept and tolerate and work with, ultimately you will not be able to change the person you are with. But you can change yourself.

[zeon]

Hello,
Dont beat yourself up over this because in my reading into this it isnt you it is him... His trying to possibly protect you from getting hurt by not being a re bound from his relationship with his boyfgriend... Best thing to do is give it time and meet on mutual ground as friends... For the time being support him as a friend than a lover and once his ready he may come however dont wait forever because if mr right comes again go with it x

[ThatRobGuy]

Very fair statements, Bowyn. I'm sure I've made it seem like he is the one who has all of the problems. That is part of the reason why I made this post; I'm not quite sure what problems I brought to the relationship. I will admit that I get/got attached too fast, and it really felt like things were moving pretty fast at first; however, I did discuss with him early on if things felt like they were going too fast and he said not at all.

This is the issue. We were both on the same page with what we wanted in the relationship for so long and, at some point, there was a divergence and I'm trying to figure out where.

I'm a big believer in the adage that there are three sides to every story: my side, your side, and the truth. I'm sure if he were as open about his feelings as I am, he would tell this story from his point of view and it would be different.

I agree that everyone acts a certain way to try to get someone to like or not like them, but I feel like I'm always myself. If anything, I modified my behavior in a way that should have made him like me more. For example, when most people would complain to me about not having a job or not having money, I would not typically let them give me a "woe is me" story, but I was always understanding with him and never harsh.

Although less supportive than the other responders, I appreciate your honesty and taking the time to tell me your thoughts.

EDIT: Oh, and I forgot to mention with the text messaging, any time there was a serious or important conversation to be had, I always did it in person. It's just the last one that I didn't because things deteriorated so much after having the conversations in person, I thought doing it over text message would maybe make him feel freer to say what is truly bothering him (if he had a problem saying it in person).

[ThatRobGuy]

zeon - I don't think friendship is an option at this point. I'm not sure I could handle that anyway just because of my feelings towards him (I don't think I could spend time with him without wanting physical, romantic contact).

I have wondered that myself, if he is trying to push me away to avoid hurting me because he doesn't think he can give me what I want ultimately. I just wish, if that were true, that he could tell me so.

Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate it.