Just out of my first relationship, not sure why?

[ThatRobGuy]

Hey everyone,

I'm 28 and just recently got into the gay dating scene. I got into a relationship with a guy after looking online pretty actively for around 6 months (it's very difficult to find a guy I'm attracted to physically and like conversing with as well). I just broke it off with him the other day and I'm really not sure what happened between us to cause it, so I wanted to see if some more experienced daters would have an idea because my head has been pretty twisted about it.

I guess I should start by saying I met him online, he messaged me on a gay dating site, I thought he was cute, he thought I was cute, we exchanged text messages pretty much all day long for a couple of weeks until we agreed to meet up. He seemed very open, level-headed, and affectionate.

We had our first date and it went really well. We just had dinner, but ended up sitting around chatting for around 3 hours total. A few minutes after we parted, he texted me with a heart. We had our next date a couple of days later (dinner and a movie) and he made the move to hold my arm during the movie, so we sort of cuddled.

We saw each other every other day for around two weeks, spent a fair amount of time together, and really had a lot of fun being with each other. We decided we wanted to be in a relationship, so that was the start of it (or so I thought).

We had discussions about long-term plans and both of us seemed to expect to be together for a long time.

I should say, we are sort of opposites in terms of where we're at in our lives. He is unemployed, was with a guy for 6 years and broke up with him and is now living with his parents, not very well off financially. I have a great, stable job, own a home, and haven't been in a relationship before. His employment situation didn't seem to be due to his own fault (has an education in something that just isn't marketable and got laid off from his teaching job). His last boyfriend seemed to be more of a sugar daddy (he told me it was more like a friendship than a real romantic relationship), but he was adamant that he isn't looking for a sugar daddy and told me numerous times he didn't want me to pay for stuff (but I did anyway because I wanted to do it).

Anywho, it seemed like a light switch just turned one day and it became very difficult to get him to agree to hang out and he never seemed that excited about it (this was over text message, so hard to say if I misinterpreted the tone). He also made excuses (sometimes passable, sometimes not) about why he couldn't hang out sometimes. But when we were together in person, he obviously had a good time and enjoyed being with me, as I did being with him.

I ended up having a conversation with him about how he was making me feel like a low priority and seemed like he didn't really want to see me. I told him I don't deserve to feel that way and he agreed and said he didn't mean to make me feel that way and that I'm not a low priority to him. THE VERY NEXT DAY, he decides he needs to do laundry and pack for a weekend trip (he's out of town every weekend for a hobby) and says he can't see me. We JUST had a conversation about this, so needless to say I was very hurt and upset. Keep in mind, he has no job and could have done these chores at any point earlier in the day.

I bring up our conversation the night before and that this is the type of behavior that makes me feel unimportant to him and he says he's not having this conversation.

I dropped it and we continued texting over the weekend until a couple of days later, the matter of starting a sexual relationship together came up. I'm a virgin, he is not but hasn't been with a lot of guys (had his boyfriend and also had a college hook-up buddy). He led me to believe from several prior conversations that he was interested/ready for a sexual relationship with me, but he is now backing off saying he doesn't think I'm ready for it (after pressing him more, turns out HE isn't ready). This really hurt me because I felt like I was in love or falling in love with him and to be told he doesn't feel that strongly about me, especially after he led me to believe previously that he did want that, really hurt. I don't know how it's okay to have a college hook-up buddy but it's not right to have a sexual relationship with your committed boyfriend?

I pretty much ignored him the next few days, I responded to him when he texted me but I made it obvious I wasn't happy. He never asked if anything is wrong or anything about me, just sent me random text messages about himself. I should also add that he rarely asked anything about me. It seemed like his world revolved around him and only him (he didn't make it extremely obvious that he was such a narcissist, but when he would barely ask about me, it was obvious to me). I ended up having it out with him over text message and he says he thinks he's going crazy, living with his parents really eats at him, money issues are always on his mind, etc. I knew he seemed to have some depression issues based on prior conversations, but with the extremely fast degradation in our relationship, he seemed to have more mental problems than I could have imagined.

I was very supportive and never critical of him. I didn't tell him what to do, only made suggestions about what I would do if I were in his shoes but that the decision was his. I paid for very nice meals, movie theater tickets, made sure to be sensitive to his financial needs. I didn't buy him expensive things, just paid for us a lot of the time when we were together doing things.

I told him all I wanted was for him to be as affectionate and caring with me as he used to be, he told me "I think you got spoiled." *I* got spoiled? By what??? I never responded to that text and it's been a few days and we haven't communicated since. I told him in an earlier text that I didn't know what else to do about his lack of affection/care of me besides stop seeing him, so he knew that I wasn't happy and wasn't going to continue putting up with him. He claimed that he wasn't trying to push me away, but it seems like he was. The last few weeks he's always said the right words to make me think he cared about me whenever I'd confront him about it, but the actions were always much different.

I have no clue what I could've done or not done to make him change his behavior towards me so rapidly and I tried pressing him about it a few times but he never would open up.

I think this is more of a problem with him than with me because I have been very good to him and think any other sane guy would feel grateful to have someone like me, but I still care about him very much and am feeling extremely hurt by the outcome of our relationship. I know I deserve better and that he is sort of a loser when it comes to money/job, but I can't help how I feel about him.

Sorry for the long post but I really wanted to give the whole story so everyone would understand. Has anyone been through this type of situation? Any advice for feeling better or rationalizing in my mind what happened?

Thanks for reading,
Rob

[LateBloomer]

I can relate to some of your post.

First of all, it's your first steady relationship, so that can be tough right there.

Second, this guy sounds like he's got some personal issues in his life that need to be straightened out.

He sounds a little "passive-aggressive", but one thing I CANNOT stand is arguing through text message. I've done it; I hate it; I would much rather have a disagreement face to face.

Honestly, if you guys live in the same town there's really no reason not to say, "Let's put this on hold until we can discuss it in person."

But it sounds like it's pretty much over, right? I say, good for you, for wanting to be treated right, like a priority in his life, and then sticking to your guns and holding him to it.

Get out there and date some more. This will accomplish TWO things:

1) You get more experience and may meet someone who DOES treat you the way you should be treated.

2) If you think you can salvage (and want to salvage) your last relationship it kinda puts you in a position of leverage. You know, you're not waiting around "with the light on" feeling sorry for yourself. You're cute, with a good job, a hell of a nice guy and who wouldn't want to be with you!



Good luck and welcome to GS.

[pellaz]

a lot of people are un under employed in this post cataclysmic European American time.
Make a pact with him you will attempt to make him feel good about him self. Re-try the relationship if he agrees do the same with you if you become down.

[Dan1980]

Hi first relationships are tough and exciting . I went through the same with my first boyfriend it was difficult. Being out of work is hard too. Maybe he has issues around not working.

[ThatRobGuy]

Thanks everyone for the replies, I appreciate you reading my post and taking the time to give your thoughts.

LateBloomer - We do live fairly near each other and I did want to break it off in person, but it was getting to the point where it was so difficult to get him to agree to hang out and he hadn't put in much effort into the relationship anyway, it seemed like just doing it over text message would be acceptable considering the circumstances. And yes, I would say it's definitely over. Based on our last text conversation and that I never responded, I'm guessing he gets that I broke it off. I never said "we're through" explicitly, but I mentioned the previous day that I don't know what else to do besides stop seeing him because he's making me feel like crap with the way he's treating me. I think he has moved on as well since I saw him listed as "online now" on a gay dating site the night I broke it off with him. Honestly, if he were to text me and apologize and say he made a mistake, I would give him another chance because I still have feelings for him, but I don't see that happening (he's very stubborn and the fact he's already on dating sites, I think he's done with the relationship).

pellaz - I had several conversations with him about his behavior towards and treatment of me and it just got worse, so making a pact with him about changing his behavior unfortunately isn't going to work. He's told me before that when people tell him what to do, it makes him want to do the opposite. I think somehow he's applying that to me telling him that he's making me unhappy and that I want him to treat me differently. Not sure how that is classified as telling him what to do, but I think he's interpreting it that way.

Dan1980 - You are right, it was very exciting to find someone I was totally attracted to in every aspect and to finally have something like that in my life. I think I gave myself completely to him too soon because of this and it's causing the heartache now. He definitely has some depression and anxiety over the money and job situation, but I was always supportive of him and never told him what to do. I even offered assistance in getting a job, but he didn't seem to like that at all. I do think once he gets a steady job, his mental state will be much improved. Maybe he will want to give it another go with me once he's thinking clearly, but hopefully I've found someone better for me by then.

It sounds like, based on your responses, there's nothing that I did or didn't do to cause this. While that's somewhat comforting to have confirmation (my friends that I've discussed this with think that is the case as well), it's frustrating to know that I have no control over anything that happens in this situation. I'm fine with knowing that I can't MAKE someone have feelings for me, but he definitely did and it's hard not knowing why that changed. I guess in time, I will be able to accept that it's his problem and his loss.

[dfiant]

Doesn't sound like there was ever really a relationship to start with, I mean 6 months and there was no friendship prior to the 'relationship'...at the very most it was 'friends with benefits' and he was the one gaining the benefits.

Give up and walk away...if what you are describing as 'love' is truely love, then I wouldn't want a bar of it because there are 2 people in a relationship, seems like you were the only one in this relationship.

[ThatRobGuy]

dfiant - I can see where you would say that, but the emotional connection/relationship was definitely there for both of us. At least it felt like it was. We only knew each other for a few months, but day-in, day-out text messaging really made us get to know each other well very quickly. I know it's not a lot of time, but there were a lot of emotions involved.

[azulai]

As far as rationalizing this in your mind, you sound very self-aware and honest with yourself. Sometimes it is nothing you did but the other person does indeed have some issues. It's great that you were proactive and really spoke up for yourself.

There is compromise in any relationship but the way I feel is if it's so complicated or so difficult or so crazy, move on. You deserve someone who does those special little things and reciprocates the affection, caring and generosity that is obviously your nature.

There could be some rebound issues as well on his end. Or maybe he realized he prefers a sugar daddy rather than an equality relationship.

So, I'd cut my losses and move on. You sound like a really sweet and great guy. You've got a little more experience now. Don't let it get you down. Learn from it and cast your line again!!! :biggrin:

[ThatRobGuy]

Sorry, I have responses to the other guys who replied but apparently the post has to be approved by a mod first. Thanks for all of the responses.

[ThatRobGuy]

azulai - Thank you for the positive words. I guess I'm the type of person who feels like they need a reason/explanation for everything. If I knew that what was bothering him was something that I did or didn't do, I'd be happy to try to change whatever it was.

I'd asked him a couple of times if he still had feelings for his ex, but he always gave an adamant "no." He's the one who broke it off with his ex after he caught him cheating. It is entirely possible he wants a sugar daddy and was just trying to blow smoke and when he realized it wasn't going to be me, he checked out emotionally. I really hope that's not the case, but it's certainly possible.

Thanks again.