Hey Guys-
I've been dating this great guy for about 6 weeks and this weekend threw a few curves into it...at least I think it did.
Being Memorial Day weekend in the US and both of us had off for the long weekend, we wanted to do something together. Except his ex boyfriend and another friend of his from college came into town to visit. This was planned for a few months, before we started dating. This is the first time that he and his ex have seen each other since their breakup 3 months ago.
They came into town on Friday and had dinner plans as well as tentative plans on Saturday to spend time in the city. Since Friday night I've only briefly heard from my boyfriend always in short text messages. It's not uncommon for us since I work in medicine and can't always answer the phone. Anyway, very short text messages and often hours later I'll get a response...if I get one.
So last night he sends me a text that he has to cancel our plans for Sunday. No explanation, just that he isn't free. This was after I asked him what time we could meet up. This evening he sends me a long text that his friends decided to stay another day and that he wouldn't be free on Monday as well, but he wants to know when I'm free this week for dinner. I respond accordingly and haven't gotten a response (this was almost 10 hours ago).
I wasn't invited out to join him, his ex and their friend. I'm beyond hurt that a) he hasn't really talked to me since Friday. B) he cancelled our plans even after we confirmed them on Friday morning when I left his house for work.
So a few advice questions.
1. How should I handle this?
2. Do I have something to be concerned about?
3. Should I prepare for the worst at dinner later this week?
I really like this guy and until this weekend, I thought he did to. I'm trying to be understanding that he has friends in from out of town but it's becoming an unnerving experience.
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Hi Matt,
First let me say , I am so sorry for how you are feeling right now.
It is an awful feeling and it is extremely hard not to feel deliberately rejected.
Do you trust him?
I really think the best way to handle this is with a cool head.
There is no use jumping to assumptions , however I do feel that you need to talk about this with him, you certainly deserve an explanation for the cold shoulder.
More importantly he needs to take responsibility for his actions ,and know how this has hurt you and made you feel.
Here for you , so keep us posted.
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Sorry to hear about your dilemma.
Quote:1. How should I handle this?
The only way you can with such a young relationship. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Quote:2. Do I have something to be concerned about?
To be honest with you, it doesn't look great. If I was with a guy and he spent the whole weekend with his ex regardless of weather it was planned before the relationship started, I would turn around and tell him to fuck off...but that's just me. You partner has made the wrong call and is still living in the past and neglecting the present. Quiet clearly your man is still head over heals in love with his ex.
Quote:3. Should I prepare for the worst at dinner later this week?
YES
Put yourself on the front foot...like I said earlier, prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
I think you need to do a lot of thinking before the dinner date with the big question revolving around what Mum said...TRUST, quiet clearly their isn't enough trust to form a relationship if your are asking these questions and your partner is behaving the way he is.
It's unfair on you, and it's time for those things between your legs to turn in to boulders ;-)
I hope it works out for you 
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Not all relationships can break up where the two people involved salvage some respect and friendship, but isn't it kind of great when they do? I really respect that.
He might really need this visit for closure. Unfortunately three months isn't a lot of time between breakup and a new relationship. There could be some elements of rebound there. So, a bit of a red flag. You have a fledgling, six week old relationship, and it needs TLC.
While your hurt is understandable, you might have to ride this out. He might be telling his friends who decided unexpectedly to stay another day, 'No, Matt's great, he'll understand.' You never know.
It will be something you need to talk about but I would let the hurt subside a bit so that your emotions aren't leading the discussion. But, he definitely needs to know you were hurt by his lack of communication. He needs to know his actions stung. I don't believe in letting someone walk all over another, but in this I just think you need more information before you write him off.
You can't tie someone to you. He has to want to be there. It's not easy but by letting him have this time, it might be the best thing for you both in the long run.
Trust takes time to build. And, this might be one of the hurdles your relationship needs to go through to strengthen it or tell you where it needs work. There's nothing wrong with saying, I need X, whatever X is, to help me feel more emotionally secure.
There have been times in my relationship where we've both gone out with other friends, reconnected with friends, or it wasn't appropriate for the other to attend a function. It's easier to come together and say, I missed you! Tell me how did it go? Did you have fun? What happened? And, be happy that the other had a good time. I just think it's important not to inflict guilt on the other person and let him enjoy his time with his friends.
I'm sorry, I'm not much help and I hope this resolves itself peacefully for you.
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1. How should I handle this? Answer: With anger.
2. Do I have something to be concerned about? Answer: You sure do!!!!
3. Should I prepare for the worst at dinner later this week? Answer: The worst. But sometimes miracles happen. Buy a lottery ticket just in case you might win at something. You struck out is how I read your thread.
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I haven't really dated in the last 5 years. It's taken me a lot of time to restore my faith in humanity. My last relationship ended in me being cheated on...where he was caught on campus by 20 of my fraternity brothers. There was a lot of hurt emotions and pride in that one, so I've taken things very slowly.
I guess the part that hurts is the lack of communication. Most days we talk a lot, and there are days where things in our careers won't let us talk as much. We spend most of each weekend together, and one or two nights each week.
He leaves for his hometown 8 hours away on Friday for 2 weeks due to family events and obligations. I don't really want him to leave on bad terms, or with this lingering. I just hope that he doesn't tell me that something happened between him and his ex. I'd really lose my cool with that type of a revelation.
I'm not in a great mind set right now to say the least, especially with my past experiences lingering in my head. Thanks for the replies, albeit mixed , this still gives me a better perspective than the advice from my straight friends.
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Helo,
Firstly dont jump to conclusion... Inside accept if in the event the worst was to happen it does but dont beat yourself up[ over it because it isnt you its him... Now the ex who has come on the scene i would imagen wouldnt go trying to get them back together becauise you havent said anything to insinuate it.. I would suggest that you go as normal with plkans and go for the meal and tell him that not being a bitter queen but if plans are made it would be nice to carry them out and or bring them closer or further away from the time but on the same day... Can i ask do you suffer with insecurity??? It sounds like you may have some but please dont take offence just a general observational note
Aunty Zeon x
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I'm known as the confident one at work. In relational aspects, I'm highly insecure but I hide it well. The whole being cheated on thing did *wonders* for my self esteem in relationships.
I know I'm not the worlds most attractive guy, but I'm not Quasimodo by any stretch of the imagination.
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Matt, I can relate, but one thing I've learned about myself over the years is that if I let the worst case scenario into my head, it only goes downhill from there. You have a lot of unknowns in your situation. As dfiant says, hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
I think the most important aspect of this situation is letting him know how he made you feel. You can go from there because until that is out on the table, there's no way of knowing where it will go.
Good luck and I hope it goes great!
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Even if I had set up this meeting months in advanced, I keep an accurate calendar and check it daily - thus I would know that my ex and a mutual friend where coming and wouldn't lead my partner on over a three day weekend. Meaning I would have told my current partner that Ex and buddy where coming and I would do my best to include my partner into this event or series of events.
Seems to me you got a person (your BF) who is a bit selfish and immature - there is really no 'good' way to read his behavior. Either he is unable to tell the truth and be honest and fails to keep track of his schedule book, or he is doing something 'off color' behind your back.
If it was me in your shoes I would be at the very least hurt. I would confront him on this, in a polite and civil manner - not scream at him and carry on about it, telling him that I am hurt by his leading me to believe we had plans on this weekend and being unable to include me, a new person in his life, in this 'old plans'.
IF you and he are in your 20's, he most likely isn't as mature as you may want to believe, he may have handled this the wrong way because he doesn't know the social graces - its happens. Up side to this is over the next 10 years he may actually learn how to better handle this sort of circumstance in future - if you are patient and diligent and train him with compassion and mercy.
If you are he are in your late 30's or older, then I fear this may be a pattern of his that he will not just grow out of - he may never change.
Since he broke up three months ago you may be 'rebound guy' - sorry but it happens. I did the rebound thing immediately seeking a new partner after a break up - unfortunately this leads to a lot of other issues. Now I know better and would wait at least a year before putting myself back on the market. This is another symptoms of immaturity that most people learn after a few errors.
Prepare a nice dinner, and be nice and civil to him. Right now all we have is assumptions and your current take on what you think happened. Its not until you talk to him - really communicate - that you will have more data to draw from and thus make a good choice for yourself.
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Not Sure What to Think...
