Tell me about it

[cyoung112]

I'm so glad that this forum exists. I read things that I could totally relate to and I have appreciated feed back from people that respond to my posts. So I'm going to asks a few questions and I would love to know your thoughts.

I was thinking about life and reflecting on those younger years (11-18) and thinking about sexuality during those years. I was wondering what was this experience like for you? Did you have crushes on the same sex? Was it sexual? What was it that you liked about the people that caught your attention back then? I would so love to hear.

[dfiant]

I'll start.

In retrospect I can honestly say that as young as 8 years old my sexuality was emerging. I can vividly remember watching a soccer match at school and my eye was caught by 1 boy in particular, his name was Paul and I would stare at his legs, loved them, and I would wish that he was my brother. It was a crush of a non sexual nature but a sign of things to come.

When I was 11 years old I was exterimenting with the boy who lived next door, another Paul, we both had a lot of fun on sleep overs.

In my first year at high school I met a boy named Mark and I instantly crushed on him and we became friends. Hit it off, spending hours after school on the phone, spending weekends at each others houses, sleep overs every weekend and we always shared the same bed and got upto the shananigans that 2 preten hormonic pubescent kids would, remember it fondly, devestated when we had a fight and didn't talke for 3 years - THAT i refer to as my first great love and relationship. We had affectionate terms for each other, had our own code words.

When I was 15, the second Paul, the one I experimented with started a relationship that would last 13 years. It had its ups and downs, it's on agains and off agains, but it was the most fondest memories I have with another man. been in 3 relationships since that relationship ended, neither of them lasted more than a year.

Such is life

[Zet]

My sexual awareness (Of being gay) did not come until later years but there has always been signs that indicated that I was gay. I hated for instance to shower with others, it always made me uncomfortable, so I never really saw another nude man except for myself. I had a girlfriend when I was around 11-12 years old, Malin, but it did not work out. I was either pretty slow or a late flower because I never really understood the term "Girl friend" back then, I just saw her as a close friend nothing more. I wasn't even heartbroken when she broke up with me, she wanted more but I never picked up any sign. I think that was the biggest sign that indicated that I would become gay. But strangely I remember that I had a crush on the little Finnish girl in the parallel class when I was about the same age, I even feel the same way when I see her today which is strange cause its only her. Obviously I think that girls are pretty but nothing sexually, just like that I would find a painting or a statue pretty. I remember when I was small that I was extremely close to one particular friend. That is the closest I can call a bromance. We hanged everyday, spoke everyday, did everything together until one particular day. We're still very close friends but our friendship is not what it use to be, as I fear that he would leave me if he figured I was gay. But I've never had a real relationship or any first love yet...

[Rainbowmum]

With me it was at the age of 17
My best friend and myself,were very attracted to each other for years.

We were both social outcasts and completely goth, we refused to be part of societies rules and expectations, if there was something to rebel about we were there lol:biggrin:

She was my first love , unfortunately she had Leukemia and I lost her , I promised I would never be with another woman and have stuck to that promise.

[zeon]

Hello,
Well i guess its aunties turn to tell...

Ok I first realised i was a little different around the age of 9/10... I lost my virginity at 10 years old in the most bizarre way ever.. I was out walking the dog and every day i would walk her round the park and then walk to the field behind where i lived and walk her round there and one day I was minding my own business walking her round the park when i was approached by another lad who was older than me and from a different school in the area and he decided to talk to me as i walked the dog and walked over the field with me and whilst i was just chatting away like a typical 10 year old he randomly asked me if he could see how big i was... I was like WTF!!???!!! But me being me i replied im 5ft i think or nearly 5ft (yes aunty was a bit of a thick shit as a kid) and he said No i wanna see how big you are under there and I asked him why... He told me he was curious so without really acknowleding what i was doing I showed him and before i knew it he had shoved it in his gob and I was like what the hell?

For a few years after that I didnt even contimplate looking at another guy or anything and turned really nasty towards other guys at school.. I resented myself for ages and resented them as i was unsure about myself... Towards the end of secondary school well year 10 i was sitting in my science lesson next to my friend Stuart who i didnt know was bisexual and i felt a finger run across the top of my arse and me being me sitting at the back of the classroom just figured it was an insect and could be a psychological feeling (like watching a horror with killer ants and feeling them all over you). Well it turned from behind me to the pair of us just flirting with hand gestures in science.... (trust me science became boring very easy with a teacher of 110 years old or looking it) and ended up back at my house in the attic always same excuse (his come round to borrow a computer game from school...) Well the attic had its uses..

At 17 i passed my driving test and a month or two later i lost my job so to look for work i turned to something i dont recommend but i wouldnt condone either... I decided to take up Escorting.... Not the dinner party type but the wank for £30 type.. It took absolutely ages for me to find another job and I knew as much as i didnt wanna go meet some 70 year old bloke to shake hands for £70 if i wanted my car to run its gotta be done... I continued this game until i was 19 when i decided to have one good bash to end it and just spent a night raking in the cash like a celebration of ending as i found a job... I do miss that much freedom to be honest but i dont miss the hectic shedule and wont eve4r go back to it again..... Unless my mortgage was in arrears then id do it to protect my home...

kindest regards

Zeon

p.s My mother has admitted she knew what was going on when i said "his come to look at my games" she told me i should have just told her his come for a shag bit difficult when your 14 15... Im glad though my mum has let all her kids just grow up unique in their own waysd without moddie coddling

[Pix]

I've always had a low sex drive, it's extremely rare for me to find myself turned on sexually by visuals, and for the most part I'm demisexual. Most of those I've fooled around sexually were done more out of reasons like curiosity or pity rather than lust. And when I was a child/teen I found this very confusing and wasn't sure what I was sexually because it was so difficult for me to feel genuine lust or attraction to someone I didn't know very well. Being a kid I presumed my feelings were normal and that guys were just hypersexual (compared to me) and though I noticed some girls were just as horny and sex driven as the guys they also had a lot of hypocrisy leading them to be discreet about it so a lot of that was hidden from me. That's the short & sweet, I don't wish to bore you describing all the little details of how I was confused and even misled growing up.

I'd seen boys naked since I was 7 at least (and I think 6) but ultimately I didn't see the differences between male & female genitalia back then as more interesting or significant that innie & outie bellybuttons. I think my gender values has always been somewhat fluid, though I lean slightly toward feminine. And I thought nothing of skinny dipping with my 17 year old cousin when I was 13 (which he admitted to me last summer that it freaked him out at the time) and felt nothing sexual when I did so.

I think I had a proto-sexual feeling when I was 14 (which may or may not have been a side effect of the shrooms I'd done a few days earlier). A boy I liked (as a friend) “borrowed” his dad's .22 pistol to teach me to shoot which he used as an excuse to get very close to me. He pressed his body up against mine hard from behind as he guided my hands with his own in handling the pistol and I remember finding it very pleasant...not exactly lust on my part, but close. It distracted me enough that I didn't realize my finger was too close to the ejection port and got grazed by the brass (which spoiled the moment as he freaked thinking I was going to lose my finger but all I needed was a band aid). I never had that feeling about him again, however, not even when I fooled around a little with him after that after he “borrowed” some of his dad's porn for things for us to try (but I only did a little with him).

My best friend (a girl) and I fooled around off and on since before we were teens, though I was 14 before I experienced any true arousal (she had for years). She was never with any other girl, however, and considered herself straight. When we were 15 she joined in the bullying of 2 girls by calling them lesbians (as they were said, which was a lie I was sure even then, to have been caught fooling around with each other in the gym shower) I asked her how she could give them a hard time for that given the stuff we did together. She dismissed it a little angrily that we were “just practicing (for boys)” and "meant nothing" which hurt my feelings. We continued to "practice" until she died later that year. To my knowledge I was the only girl she ever had sex with (while she was promiscuous with the boys).

Most other sexual experiences I had were for reasons other than lust, typically of curiosity or grudging obligation (the latter I tried to keep to a minimum), and my friend I just mentioned talked me into having sex with a boy (shortly after I pointed out how we had sex so she had no room to give other girls grief for having lesbian sex) but it was one of the worst experiences in my life, and it taught me a valuable lesson against following peer pressure when I KNEW to the core of my being that it was wrong for me.

At 17 I actually had sexual feelings and started to masturbate regularly (not daily but it was no longer a very rare occurrence either) and I remember fantasizing about having a threesome with Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny (after seeing them as Moulder & Scully on the X-Files, but I just couldn't imagine a 3 some with the characters so I invented hedonistic personalities for the 2 actors and pretended we got together at a party after they got smashed, and in my fantasy I quickly took care of David and then took a long, long time with Gillian who had gotten really turned on watching me with him).

At 17 I had a brief fling with both a boy and a girl that was short lived but intense. It started out of curiosity but became fun in both cases and I took to calling myself bisexual for awhile. The girl was a good friend and we joked a lot and when I said she was really cute she was intrigued, we fooled around, and I actually orgasmed (I thought I had before, but this was so much more intense than I'd ever experienced). What I liked the most about her was how easy it was for us to talk, laugh, and feel connected (even without sex). And the boy intrigued me with his androgynous appearance, blue hair & eyes, punk style (though fashionable in its own way, that is the colors were mixed nicely and while very eccentric it wasn't chaotic, and more soft colors than I'd normally seen with punks), and much more importantly he was absolutely brilliant & idealistic and I loved talking to him on so many topics (redwoods, fighting Maxxam Corp, anarchism, neopaganism, bisexuality as he identified himself as, etc) and unlike most guys before or since he was a very thoughtful lover who made sure I shared in the experience rather than taking what he could and leaving me to take what I could out of it. In both cases (the girl and boy) we fooled around intensely for a few weeks and then the passion faded and we remained friends, so it was very pleasant (both found other lovers before dropping me but this didn't bother me as it would today and was content to hear of their new romances or what have you).

I was interested in adult women but unlike men they didn't seem interested me, not even when I turned 18. I was just a kid to them. I did have sex with a couple of the (many) men who came onto me (if I really liked them personally, as opposed to lustfully) but it was no big deal for me and I just considered it a learning experience (and they treated it as a brief fling, I remain friends with one to this day though we just exchange emails once every few months).

There was also a man and his wife who invited me over shortly after I turned 18 and I was really interested in his wife but I quickly figured out that she was just into it for her husband and just wasn't enjoying herself with me (she pretended she was but I could tell she was faking), and he basically ordered us both about (including what me and his wife did with each other), and I didn't like that so I stayed away from them (as the only thing the guy wanted was to have a threesome and I didn't like the pressure). In short it's not a pleasant memory.

I was 19 before I had an orgasm with a guy again (and he was a feminine cross dresser) but it didn't last long and though I had sex with guys after I just was never into it like I was with women, and I came to identify as lesbian and haven't thought of any guys sexually (at least not real ones) in several years, not even when I form close emotional bonds to them. It makes me laugh to think about the adults who told me at 17-8 that my bisexuality was a phase and I'd outgrow it...they were right, just not in the way they thought.

[James]

first attractions, guess around 9, acting on attractions 1st time 17, after I had already been outed, blond, emerald green eyes, straight as they come, declined my come on, but in a nice way, soldier after that, came home but didn't get it together until 26, jim

[seastareyes]

Looking back now, I guess I had girl crushes all the way back from preschool I just didn't notice anything until middle school. I mean, I guess it's normal for very little girls to super affectionate with their girl best friends, but I'll never know.
I only remember noticing girls in my middle school because their bodies were changing (mine didn't until I was about 17 because my boobs were actually big enough to fit a bra) and I just couldn't stop staring. There were many a time where I just could not look away from my best friend's breasts.
It got worse in high school because I thought I would get used to it but I couldn't stop. When I discovered I was bisexual, I was actually relieved because it made sense and I finally discovered something about myself that would never never change.
My girl crushes didn't start getting sexual until a few months after I started my last relationship (which ended February), I think mostly because my boyfriend was repressing my sexuality, so now whenever I see a cute girl, not only do I wish to cuddle but rock her world.
I'll only count the crushes I had in high school because those are the ones I paid attention to. There was a girl I had met when I started going to a Christian group on Friday nights (because all my close friends had suddenly become born-again Christians, but they weren't jamming it down my throat which I appreciated). I was 16 she was 14, blonde, home-schooled, never had much experience when it came to having crushes or being crushed on, super Christian, and here's the kicker: straight. So, when I realized I had a crush on her, I already knew it would never go anywhere. I only started crushing on her because from the moment I met her, I saw that she was one of the kindest human beings to ever walk the Earth, and she had this way of meeting new people by always asking them questions to really get to know them. Not because she was curious but because she actually gave a damn. I'm more nervous and shy around girls than I am around guys, but she instantly made me comfortable around her just for that reason, which is why I didn't keep the crush I had a secret from her or her father. I know to a lot of people who aren't Christian might not appreciate the reaction she gave me when I told her, but to me it was actually everything I really hoped for which was: "Thanks for telling me. And, even though I could never feel the same way about you, you will always be a sister to me through the Lord's eyes." And when her dad and I talked about it, he told me that even though he didn't agree with homosexuality, I would always be considered as a part of the family that Christian group had created. I even remember a couple of summers ago where I was just feeling so desperate to find a girlfriend, she was there to listen to me and hold me while I cried hysterically. While she hugged me she said "Whoever it is, the Lord will give you someone special" which really surprised me, but also made me really happy to know that someone doesn't necessarily have to agree with homosexuality but can still care about those who are gay or who support it.
Then there was this girl at the end of senior year, who also was 2 years younger than me, who kind of had a crush on me, too. I really liked her because she was someone I could relate to, we had a lot in common, and she wasn't shy about hugging or cuddling with girls which I wasn't used to but wanted to be. I even took her out to dinner during the summer and then met her dad and future step-mom for dinner at their place. After that we sat on the couch and watched V for Vendetta. For some strange reason during the middle of the movie her folks had to go run an errand or something and left us alone. While she cuddled with a pillow, I was too nervous to say or do anything so I just kept my eyes on the screen which I regret to this day. I found later once I was in college that she also turned out be straight and into Asian guys but considered me her first real girl crush. Which again was sweet...but still rather disappointing.
Then there was my girl friend Jess sophomore year of college. I liked her because we both were in touch with our annoying little child-like self, we liked sharing our interests with each other, and the fact that she actually liked me back made it easier for me to keep liking her. I gave up the long distance relationship I was in to be with her (for various reasons, which I also regret to this day) but didn't counter in the fact that she and I were both rather emotionally battered and handled it differently which caused a lot of problems. In the end, I realized that I really cared about her, but I didn't really love her like she loved me. It was a messy breakup but things are okay with us now.
These days, I just creepily stare at girls that are amazingly beautiful (one girl in particular this past school year who has yet to even look in my direction) or try to start up conversations with some I meet on Tumblr (again, one in particular who I know for a fact is gay and amazingly cute, but I'm sure I'm trying to damn hard, and is not the least bit interested in me).

[dfiant]

p.s My mother has admitted she knew what was going on when i said "his come to look at my games" she told me i should have just told her his come for a shag bit difficult when your 14 15... Im glad though my mum has let all her kids just grow up unique in their own waysd without moddie coddling

Hahaha...got to laugh. I came out to my Mum when I was 30 and the response I got was ' Yeah, I have known ever since Mark. Don't you think I notice that the bed I made for Mark when ever he slept over was never slept in?'

I could have throttled the woman...lol

[Deryn]

I was super sheltered as a kid, I didn't even know people could be gay until about high school (13-14 here in the states).

But looking back it was very, very obvious. I fooled around with some boys before high school, but I never really thought anything of it. It was just something fun to do, like play video games or hang out. And I realize now that I've had plenty of crushes on boys, I just thought of it as, "Oh wow they are so cool, I wish I could hang out with them." at the time.

Then I figured out that most people aren't like that and I wanted a boy romantically. Then it kind of clicked and I accepted it. Mostly at least, its still pretty weird to bring up around my parents. But then I'd probably be the same way if I did like girls, just getting embarrassed if they ever brought it up.