I want something. Just not sure what. Help?

[ACleverUsername]

Alright, here's my situation. It'd a tad odd.

I'm twenty years old, and I've been unsure about my sexual preference for quite a while now. How long? Too long for me to feel comfortable admitting with an actual amount of time. I've also had issues with experiencing romantic feelings toward anyone. That is to say, I seemingly can't experience them at all. I always told myself that I'd be able to figure myself out (/"out," should that be the case. Yeah, lame joke.) when I met someone that caused some sort of romantic interest to grow within me. But, the previously mentioned emotional problems have kept that from happening. Ever.

When I say that I'm confused here, I mean that my preference isn't really consistent. My tastes shift around seemingly at random. Some days, I'll find myself more attracted to women. Some days, it's men. Or both. Or nothing at all. Recently, however, it seems like I'm more consistently experiencing an attraction to other men rather than women, so perhaps that's something.

I've been working on some other issues too, mainly how I've lost my direction with respect to what I want to do in education/a career. At this point, though, I've chosen to put those other issues off to the side for now because I need to get this dealt with once and for all. I'm tired of simply telling myself over and over that this confusion of mine will just work itself out. Of course it won't work itself out, not unless I actually do something about it. I think that's the real problem, that I've been sitting and waiting for something to happen rather than actually making something happen.

So this is the point where I actually ask for some advice. What would be the best way to go about dealing with this? It'd be one thing if I was simply asking about how to meet someone, but my uncertainty with what I like is definitely problematic; it's like I'd go out with someone but there's this big caveat that there are no guarantees about whether this can work at all. As I said above, my urges have been trending more toward me being gay rather than straight or bi, so I think I'd rather experiment with another guy. I'm not particularly keen on the idea of talking to one of my friends or family members about my problems. I'd rather figure this stuff out without their interaction. Unless asking them for help is by far the best option, in which case I'll go ahead and do it.

Obviously I hope I'll get some helpful advice from the people here but, even if that doesn't happen, just typing this out and posting it is a big thing for me. I actually decided to post something here a week ago, but I've felt extremely hesitant. I don't even know why. Perhaps it's because, regardless of what the outcome of all this, it'll be a big change for me - one of the biggest that I've experienced so far in my life - and it's rather unnerving. I've been stuck in this weird limbo for so long that I pretty much stopped caring, until now. Reading what I've typed above, this situation sounds pretty absurd. But hey, at least I'm doing something about it now.

A preemptive thank-you to anyone who offers some advice.
- ACleverUsername

[avidcyclistMTB]

Firstly, welcome ACleverUsername.

You failed to mention if you have any experience with either sex, but the way you come across is that perhaps you don't. You are young and sexuality can be completely confusing and sometimes very fluid at your age. I had my first experience with both sexes around 18 and 19. (woman, man respectively) The experience with the guy happened to be horrific so I focused on women for a while, got married ultimately, had a child, divorced and back to men after a couple of miserable dates with women. Now there's a great man in my life.

I guess I label myself as "gay" now because I am in a monogamous relationship with a man. But I think that you shouldn't be quick to label yourself. Go out on some dates. Introduce yourself to the person you happened to be attracted to that particular day when you have the guts to. Get some experience (safely). You may never stop feeling attractions to both sexes. I still do!

Oh, and there are NEVER guarantees that something will work out even when you know exactly what you want! Throw your caveats to the wind!

Good luck and I hope this helps.

[pellaz]

first off welcome to gayspeak.
it a big step to start talking. I hope this helps but by no means likely to be effective and only a guess on my part:

I can be like what you describe. It was just very comfortable not having people around 99% of the time. I had no difficulty making close straight friends and I still keep in touch. As i got older it was less important being alone and looking back; as sort of a wast of life. For any of this to work you have to love your self and have a passion for things around you.

its all connected together
Work on your career aspects at the same time, worst case take a trip to Europe. With a lower than expected level of self worth your not going to be the loving person to others. Dont take the easy way out; determine what is important, set some goals and do the necessary junk. And yes you will fail.

support structure
accumulate good people around you to support you in your life efforts. They dont have to be family and a guy or gal will work just as well. For me people around me that can observe and tell me if i start to stray off a path i need to be on. The key is they be honest and true, difficult to find.

sexuality
-your being too ridged and wanting to put a label on things. People can be fluid on their sexuality but they have to be honest with their partners. In a relationship you have to be consistent or carry the partner(s) with you and incorporate them with your changes. It is a priority to discover who you are early not do a back flip at 40.
-being gay is not all about the sex. You can get your self off. Being gay is more about your ability to carry on a successful same sex relationship.
-both people have to want a relationship for it to happen. Gay or straight relationships are much the same; communication, respect, trust are the common attributes. Examples; if you gay dont crush on straight boys and its a sign of trouble ahead if you find your self spying on your man's computer.
-Porn is choreographed to sell well and is no big measure who you are. Lust works well to fill cracks in a relationship so if your more attracted to men be the best gay man you can be.

[Miles]

I had to do a double take on your post because it reads like something I could've written myself. I'm not sure what advice to give I'm afraid. I'd just like to thank you for posting this and cyclist & pellaz for their good advice. Just know you're not alone in limbo, Clever.

[Rainbowmum]

Hi and welcome .
Instead of over analyzing things and putting a label on things, try to relax , there is nothing wrong with you just the way you are.

Self acceptance is the key to happiness.

[ACleverUsername]

Thanks for all the replies this has gotten so far. (Also thanks for the "welcome" messages.)

These responses are toward specific parts of the above comments.
1. Sorry for not mentioning how much experience I've had. I was looking to avoid posting too big of a wall of text. Anyway, yeah, no experience, with sex or relationships or anything. It goes back to the lack of romantic feelings. I can't say I've ever been in love with anyone of either sex. Nary a crush, even.

2. (This is both in response to another part of a comment and heavily connected to #1) It's for the above reason that I kind of have to look at this problem from a mostly physical attraction perspective. There have been times where I had something of a romantic response to something, but it's very uncommon and never toward a specific person. One noteworthy moment I remember a while back was when I was listening to the song "Deform To Form A Star" by Steven Wilson and I found my mind drifting around a romantic fantasy involving another guy, and I found myself getting a bit choked up. Perhaps that has more significance than I originally gave it.

3. Is it possible that my romantic problems are caused in part by my confusion? Most people think that my emotional numbness toward love comes from seeing two relationships involving my parents fail miserably (and the one that one of them is in currently can be pretty terrible at times). But it seems somewhat reasonable that my confusion could be another factor in that problem. Maybe both my confusion and my romantic problems are in a way supporting each other. I must not be completely closed off to love, or else I wouldn't feel compelled to deal with this stuff at all.

4. I recognize that my initial post came off as rigid in terms of its definitions of preferences but I am aware of how fluid preferences can be. I sort of have to remind myself at times of it, though. I'm not seeking a label for my preferences. I want to establish what my preferences are and then, if a certain label fits perfectly, that will be what I am. I'm hoping my preferences aren't just spastically fluid. Keeping a relationship would be difficult if that's the case.

[dlboy53]

Welcome aboard

First I would like to say I understand how you feel.
Secondly I would say work on loving yourself as I had and am working on that myself, and then get some friends that you feel comfortable with so you can talk about things.

[dfiant]

Welcome to Gayspeak. I was going to say exactly the same as what Mum has already said.

It's seems that you are stressing too much and over analysing things that will just happen naturally. There are no timetables for when these things happen and the way they happen are as individual and unique as every human being.

Relax, have fun and just go with the flow, time will sort these things out

[ACleverUsername]

Mm. Perhaps I am worrying too much about it. It's just that I've been stuck in this rut for years and, now that I finally have the urge to do something about it, I'm in a way trying to make up for all that time I spent idly sitting and doing nothing about it.

I'll almost certainly need to become more social overall if I hope to get anything to happen. I don't go out often - more like I don't go out at all - but I still have decent social skills. Holding a conversation with someone is no problem for me. It's not that I actively avoid social interaction, I simply don't have the urge to seek out that interaction most of the time.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I had no interest in boys or girls until I was 24. I dated in high-school (girls) due to peer pressure and it being 'expected' - but I do not see those are real relationships - while I played to the 'I love you' words - my heart wasn't in it.

At age 24 I meet a guy that rocked my world - but I was so far in the closet and 'confused' about what sexuality was and what my feelings toward him meant, I spent 6 months in constant upheaval and deep soil searching deciding if I really wanted to pursue him or a relationship with him.

Fortunately for me he was a real patient guy willing to wait and not pressure to much to get me to his bed.

I focused my energy into education - higher education, seminary and getting a Doctorate in Ministry and other papers. I was so deep in the closet and unable to even consider homosexuality that when I was introduced to the Brotherhood of Friars (St Francis) I nearly immediately made it a goal in life to get to the point to take the vows (poverty, obedience and celibacy).

For me to admit at age 24 that I was gay - well that meant throwing away several years of education and 4 years of ministerial duty. It meant my having to throw away a life in the Church and become something else. Thus there was a huge pressure on me to be 'straight' - and celibacy was extra good since it was the 'Godly' thing a 'Man of the Cloth' would do.

Not to sound like the "old man" you are only 20 - and from where I stand there is still a lot of time left for you - time for you to slowly explore and wait patiently for a 'sign' to tell you who and what you are. Yes I know, way back there at age 20 two years or 4 years of 'man-hood' may seem like a huge amount of time - up here past 40 it is a few moments.

Be patient, don't push yourself - let things unfold naturally. I think you should focus your attention on other things, school, work - networking (making friends, meeting people) - Do by all means explore both side of the equation when it comes to sexuality - make LGBT and Straight Friends. Don't be picky about the people you have as friends. All of their life experience is worth having around.

Ultimately you will figure out what you want out of life when it comes to love interest - be it a man or a woman - eventually you will meet that one person that you must be with.

It is worth the wait.