Feeling less defensive at gay bars - how to do it?

[BobInTampa]

I'm going to echo a few things others have posted, so bear with me.

First off, attitude is everything. If you go to a bar (alone or with friends) already with your defenses up, you've basically set yourself up for disappointment. Now, at your age (30), you shouln't just lump all men and all bars in one category.

Bottom line? Guys are attracted to confident guys. So while it may initially be uncomfortable, you have to step out a bit. Like one of the other posters wrote, you should find a bar/club that has some appeal to you. Be it a gay sports bar, dance bar - whatever - and start going more consistently. The more you go, the more known you'll be by the bartender and the more comfortable you'll be. OH, that's a big tip - the bartenders. They are paid to be social and nice - use that to your advantage. They will almost always engage you with simple bar banter. Could be a video being played, or music being played, a story that's of local importance - whatever. Just start chatting up the bartender. This does two things, 1, it helps break your shyness with a person who has NO agenda - other than being a good bartender. 2, other's at the bar will hear your chat and that might start other conversations with guys at the bar. OH, and FYI, just because someone chats with you does NOT mean they are hitting on you. That's tough for some guys to grasp, but my partner is one of those guys who'll strike up a chat at the drop of a hat. So, let go of that perception if you can.

Another idea is to post your likes and hobbies on CraigsList. Now i know you're thinking CL is for sex hookups only, but you're wrong. You can post an ad that says you're going to a comic convention in town and you're looking for other gay men into comics (or any of your other hobbies). You can make it clear you're NOT looking for sex, but just to hang out with other guys into your hobbies.

At the end of the day, YOU are responsbilbe for your own happiness - you can't find it in aother person. SO suck it up, square your shoulders, slap on an honest smile and GET INTO THE GAME! No "mr right" is going to ride up to your front door and sweep you away. YOu gotta get out there and market yourself.

OH, one more thing. HAVE FUN! Smiles are sexy and infectious!

[pellaz]

become familiar at the bar; go for lunch a few times when they are not busy. Talk to the bartender when, what happens and who is on staff. Now you know least one person at that bar.

Be the safety first type but entertain some one night stuff, either from the above bar(s) or on line. Like it or not some guys met their partners this way too.

play your interests to meet other gay men. For example if you like to ride a sportbike, there are gay sport bike clubs to join.
references:
http://autos.groups.yahoo.com/group/gsrco/

[LateBloomer]

Good posts by Boweyn, East, Bob and Pellaz.

Once again the Over-40 crowd hits it out of the park. (yours truly notwithstanding)...

[Gizzie]

My tactic whe visiting bare alone is to find a regular or someone who has been there enought to know the red daggers on the bunch.
That could be the bartender or any other staff there too.
It's just too difficult to ward off the guys when you are there's alone,

Another thing is the age.
Maybe bars are not fsuitsble for you anymore.

I would go toward finding more communities like mentioned by others here

[Drew]

Hey, thanks for the advice, everyone.

Some of the info is pretty good, some missed my point.

I've tried being friendly before, but have been slovenly groped by disgusting men (I stupidly went home with one a while ago and he threatened to rape me...that incident still spooks me to this day). I think I automatically think "guy talking to me = sloppy drunk who wants me as an object and nothing more" while I'm sitting at the bar because of that.

And I hate being unfriendly, because naturally I'm fairly confident and sociable in other setting (at work, during the hikes, whatever). There's something about the bars that makes me clam up when I'm there alone.

I'm going to double down and try to not have that attitude next time I go. i also like the advice about finding bars outside my area that I may find more comfortable/to my liking and sticking closer to the bar tender.

I like the "uh, excuse me, I have to use the rest room real quick" to get away from cruisers that Late Bloomer suggests

It's frustrating, but it's something I'm going to have to overcome if I wanna meet the love of my life.

Thanks! mile:

[LateBloomer]

Hey, thanks for the advice, everyone.

Some of the info is pretty good, some missed my point.

I've tried being friendly before, but have been slovenly groped by disgusting men (I stupidly went home with one a while ago and he threatened to rape me...that incident still spooks me to this day). I think I automatically think "guy talking to me = sloppy drunk who wants me as an object and nothing more" while I'm sitting at the bar because of that.

And I hate being unfriendly, because naturally I'm fairly confident and sociable in other setting (at work, during the hikes, whatever). There's something about the bars that makes me clam up when I'm there alone.

I'm going to double down and try to not have that attitude next time I go. i also like the advice about finding bars outside my area that I may find more comfortable/to my liking and sticking closer to the bar tender.

I like the "uh, excuse me, I have to use the rest room real quick" to get away from cruisers that Late Bloomer suggests

It's frustrating, but it's something I'm going to have to overcome if I wanna meet the love of my life.

Thanks! mile:

I'd like to respond to the part in bold. First, I understand you had a bad experience with a drunk and you really don't want to put yourself in a position for another similar experience. I totally understand that.

But! It kind of reminded me of some logic I used to use in order to sabotage myself and others. It was my defense mechanism so that there was little chance of anyone making any connection.

It went like this...

Someone would show some interest in me. They might express an appreciation in what I was saying or how I looked or something I had done. In my head, I would automatically think they have the wrong impression of me. I'm really NOT that interesting; nor that good looking; nor that skillful. Therefore I need to nip this in the bud before they find out who I really am.

Is it any wonder I stayed single for so long?

Fundamentally, it was a self esteem issue (just speaking for myself here, Drew. Maybe you can relate to this story, maybe not, but I'm putting it out there for you).

When my self esteem was sub-zero I could never believe that anyone could experience a genuine attraction or appreciation for me. And I was so scared of anyone finding out how screwed up I was I became an expert at sabotage.

I'm just wondering if maybe a little of this same dynamic isn't at work inside your head. You're obviously good looking, intelligent, all around quality guy. Why aren't you letting people get closer to you?

LB

[GayDatingExpert]

Hi there, keep on doing what you are doing, following your interests, there are a whole host of gay groups that do what you like to do, or various differing ages groups. If you meet a party boy who you click with, would you be happy to spend the weekends standing around in the bars and clubs around town? Or would your party boy be happy to go along to you enjoyed events?

Finding a soul mate isn't easy, but finding him within the structure of what you enjoy will be easier than doing something that you're not too keen on.