Confidence in Oneself!

[BreatheHopeLive]

Honestly, thank you to everyone for taking the time to give me such wonderful advice. I definitely feel a bit more reassured that being gay is a special gift that distinguishes me from others in a positive way. I'm sure as I grow up and come upon many experiences I will develop more confidence in myself-as confident as you guys are. Thank you again. <3

[dfiant]

Not everyone is confident with their sexuality at 17, I definately wasn't.

Some people find the confidence younger, others find it later. I was 28 before I reconciled with my sexuality.

So don't forget, everything happens when it is supposed to happen for you, no need to rush anything

[Rainbowmum]

You will get there as you get older and more experienced.
Confidence comes from within , from knowing yourself , from following your path in life.

It comes from victories of small battles not wars , and it gives you a boost of achievement.

[azulai]

So how did you guys cope with, or accept, being gay, and how do you become confident?

It wasn't easy. I lacked coping skills. I had a lot of anger and hate which I directed at myself. I was very afraid because I no longer fit in my world as I knew it. I was letting other people define me, and other people's perceptions define me.

I guess the thing that changed me the most was after I had done something very stupid, very selfish and short sighted my dad very pointedly and quietly told me that I had to figure out what kind of man I wanted to be. I love my dad. I'm very close to him. I was just so fixated on the shame and fear of being gay, I let it fuck with my mind and that's all I focused on. I guess my dad made me realize I wanted his respect as a man. IDK if that makes sense, but it was just a wakeup call for me. The fear of being seen as less was so much of what I was struggling with in my identity; it was just a missing piece to my puzzle was found. I came to realize that being young wasn't an excuse for not living my life responsibly and with some forethought.

So the first thing I would recommend would be to focus on the man you want to be. See the individual you are. You are so much more than just gay. Build your reputation, do the right thing in tough situations, volunteer, and look further ahead than just tomorrow. Figure out your values and what's important to you. That becomes your backbone. Define yourself, don't let anyone else do it for you. So when people say something stupid or ignorant, sure it stings, but in your heart you know who you are.

As I was realizing that I was gay, I could not see the value in being gay. I had no role models. I do not relate to celebrities or flashy people. I'm a low key guy. I wasn't even comfortable with the word gay. I still don't refer to myself as queer. The power of those words and the stigma attached was tangible. I was at a loss.

So, I stumbled upon this site. I was scared to death, I was on a G A Y site. It was as if I was admitting something. But, I observed and I read. And certain men made a difference -- the depth of thought, the intelligence, the genuine concern for others -- it was like this huge weight lifted. Quite a few of them I could relate to, and some were in LTRs. They were just ordinary men (and I mean that in the most complimentary way) living their very honorable lives. Overtime I finally saw gay as good. I saw gay as success. And, I slowly got more comfortable looking in the mirror and accepting who I saw looking back. I relaxed some more, and for the first time I was able to joke about celebrities/models that I found hot, and it was just freeing. And, I started to have a little fun with being gay.

You sound like you are farther along in accepting yourself than I was at 17. So, this may be irrelevant. But anyway, eventually I felt more comfortable with myself, and I felt like I needed to push myself out in the real world. I started going to LGBT events at school, and made some LGBT friends. I love that my friends are so unique and diverse and yeah, some of them are pretty darn brave and I admire them.

So, the second thing I would recommend is to look for gay role models - young, old and in between; lesbian, bi, trans and gay; online and offline. Try to learn something from everybody. They ARE important because they allow us to relate, grow, and yeah, dream our dreams.

And lastly, I will tell you don't look for such a deep serious meaning to being gay. Embrace it, have some fun with it, don't be afraid to let yourself live. Don't forget to laugh.

It was a process, a journey of figuring out how to cope and accept myself. I'm at a more peaceful place about it all now but, it's an ongoing process for me. I'm not the most out person, like I said I'm low key. So, I'm not sure that I would call what I feel now as confidence as much as being more comfortable with being a guy who just happens to be gay. I try to see bigotry for what it is and kind of put it in its place and not let it steal my happiness. I just try to keep moving forward.

Best wishes!

[BeautifulBlue]

Thank you for your post, Azulai! Very inspiring.

I was bullheaded when it came to my sexuality. Having started going through puberty at the age of nine and knowing fairly early on that I was gay, it was somewhat difficult for me to transition to that. However--at age fourteen, I read a book called A DENSITY OF SOULS by Christopher Rice that made me realize that being gay was 'ok' and that there was NOTHING wrong with it.

My mom found out I was gay when I was seventeen because she caught me (and I'll be honest) sucking face with another guy. That was a bit of a waker-uper for me, so after that, and when I moved to Denver for a month, I enrolled myself in Facebook's National Coming Out campaign and made a post basically explaining I was gay, I was proud of myself and I wasn't going to let what anyone else thought affect me.

Fast forward through my late teens (eighteen and nineteen.) I moved to Austin and was petrified of socializing with the gay community, as I'd never done it before. I eventually started reaching out to them through volunteering, as Azulai said, at their annual gay prom. I eventually fell into a sort of 'lull' with them where I became comfortable, and when I was nineteen I started actively dating because, quite honestly, I started getting lonely.

As others have said, comfort comes with acceptance, which comes with grace and age. I learned that with me, at age seventeen and being comfortable with my sexuality, it came with having gone through a lot of bullshit and seeing how wrong it was that others were being mistreated and I, as a young gay man, was just standing aside and letting others get bullied. I consider myself something of an activist in that regard, and though my part in the gay community has been a bit small as of late due to my own personal issues, I still try to reach out to gay people -- especially young men and women and men and women who are suffering exponential difficulties in their lives.

If you have any questions about my personal story, feel free to ask (or message me, I don't mind.) I try to keep my posts brief, but sometimes they go on, haha.

[BreatheHopeLive]

I'm responding much later than I thought I would, but I just wanted to let everybody who commented on my thread that every piece of advice moved me and inspired me deeply; the personal reflections shared and the succint but meaningful advice given exemplify how much you all care for others and I'm grateful for that. <3 Since I'm just a recent high school graduate in the beginning of my life in a way, I know I have so many experiences to encounter that will help me solidify my standing as a unique individual. I'm about to enter college and am so eager to see what life brings. Honestly, I'm kind of scared because the future has an intimidating mood to it; but if you all could get through it, I'm sure I can as well. Thank you so much.

[BabyPolarBear]

Once i realized how stupid and mentally retarded some people are you tend not to care what they think.
Age has something to do with i to

[Descole]

I had a whirlwind life adventure learning how to be confident. It really started when I realized my lack of confidence led to me losing one of my most treasured friendships. But even so, saying I will be more confident was far and beyond from actually being more confident.

Things really started to pick up steam when I found people I could be comfortable with. No, not just people who can accept me being gay (I live in San Francisco--there's no shortage of tolerant and accepting people). For me, it ended up be a school organization who I really clicked with at a social level because we had similar interests. It's the one place where I feel like I could communicate with people, actually be myself, quirks and all.

But there is really no one way to go about it. It's about getting new experiences, being able to feel comfortable wtih yourself, and figuring out what works and what doesn't. And even then, it's a slow porcess that takes time. Sometimes, though, time is perhaps the biggest facter of them all.

[ElfiexElfSeeker]

Confidence isn't my expertise. I could use some pointers myself. But I'm excited for you! Going to college was the best thing I could have done. There's so much to learn, and not just from classes. You really start to grow into the person you're meant to be. Don't be afraid to change majors, make sure you pursue a field that you are really passionate for. I changed my major 7 times but I don't regret it. What I ended up with was perfect.

Most colleges have an active LGBTQ group. Just something you might want to look into. I think you really will enjoy your time there. Its hard work, but if you're doing what you love its worth it.

[nguyenkm]

I'm surprised seeing this topic open.
I know that each person is unique, and that's especially true in this country. However, I haven't seen a low self-esteem American since I came to the US nine years ago. A girl told me that lots of American people are simply acting to be seen confident. I didn't understand that. I still don't know how a person can act to show his/her confidence.

When I took a communication class, I could easily see who was confident and who wasn't. The only students who were not confident were Asian, but that was because they weren't born here. They spoke English with accent like I did; they sweated when they spoke; they stuttered in their sentences; and they spoke softly. The rest of the class were very confident; they spoke loudly and clearly. I can't understand how to act to show confidence.

Back to OP, I assume that you were born in USA, weren't you? I think that you will do just fine. I'm quite sure I won't be able to detect your low self confidence if I meet you in real life.

Please be proud of who you are. Most importantly, be American. I see that American people are individualistic. They don't care about what other people say about them. "To live and let live" is the motto, isn't it? I'm Vietnamese, and I'm not ashamed of my sexuality. Neither should you.