just the parents left

[sc4456]

i imagine a post like this isn't atypical but here goes,
i have been out to my school and friends for sixth months and that was stressful enough with rumoring friends and sisters and people matching me with the only other gay guy in school who i don't like. but i'm on my second boyfriend and i've always said that i would come out to my parents soon and its been six months but i have no idea how to even start a conversation with them. do i introduce my boyfriend and say it that way, but my mum has met him and thinks we are friends but has told me that she doesn't like him and doesn't want me spending time with him which i ignored and got in an argument with her. or do i just blurt it out and panic and leave knowing me?
thanks for reading and thanks for the advice (i hope)

[Dean]

the point is , why is it so urgent that you need to come out to your parents.

if not, then leave it for a while.

suppose your parents told you to marry a woman. then it became urgent. otherwise, don't easily bring it about.

[jamiebfd]

Dont do it with your bf there. Do it alone.
Make sure your both in a good mood...sit and have a cuppa and get it out.
You dont need to have a massive conversation about it. just tell her and then move onto another subject.
Then maybe go for a walk alone to give her time to get her head round it. When you return...you may get questions etc. Just answer then best you can.
As for her not being fond of your boyfriend....Tough luck lol.
Its your bf..not hers.
If you like him and stay with him....she will have to learn to respect that. Dont let anyone make choices for you. Thats yoyr job
Good luck....let us know how things go ;+)

[pellaz]

-parents should have an idea if their son is gay. what gives?
-you have been dealing with this all your life, be patient with your family

[Dean]

go easy with it sweety

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Mom already knows.

I do not have to look in my crystal ball to know that.

I get the feeling that her judgment call about your 'friend' is actually one were she us judging your potential choice of mate.

Her knowing may not be a conscious knowing. Most mom's already know on a gut level that their kid is 'that way'. Many do deny it and try to bargain it away in their mind until their kid openly admits to being 'that way'.

Either she doesn't like your choice of partner as a person, or she already suspects that he is gay and is more likely going to 'turn you' gay. Depends on how well she can accept the idea that you are gay while it remains just a possibility.

Right now for her it is just an idea. A thought. She may be struggling against the idea that you are gay but that doesn't mean that once you come out she won't be accepting of you as a gay male.

Yes, telling your parents is going to lead to a 5 stage process commonly called the five stages of grief. The Kübler-Ross model often applied to just the process of dealing with death actually applies to anything where there is change. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

Denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance. We go through these stages with most changes in our life be the death of a loved one or the announcement that someone is is pregnant (Honestly many people don't jump on the 'congratulation bandwagon' mentally/emotionally with such announcement in many cases - most reserve their judgment and just say 'congratulations' but have more thoughts on the matter).

Thinking about it, I have never really said point blank to my parents 'I'm gay'.

Instead I went about it by calling them and saying:

Me: I met a wonderful person.
Them: Great son, what's her name.
Me: (pause) This person is somebody who loves me - a lot and who I love a lot as well.
Them: That's great son, what's her name.
Me: His name is Robert...

Personally I am not too thrilled by the notion of having to say 'I'm gay'. I look at it this way, no straight person has ever walked up to me and been forced to say 'I'm straight'.

We conclude that a person is straight by how they go on and on and on about their spouse or partner, or how they complain about the opposite gender not living up to expectations - or actually living up to the stereotypes. Or when they introduce their spouse, BF/GF or whatever.

So maybe if you are having problems with the whole 'I'm gay' speech, maybe just introducing your friend as your boyfriend will be sufficient.

[zeon]

Hello,
Coming out can be daunting and if i was in your boat again i would do this...

Tell your mum you want to have a word with her to talk... When she is alone just say

Right mum what i want to talk to you about is something that i have thought over and over and spent some time going through.. I am not here for an opionon of whether it is right in your eyes or wrong because in life we are the most important people to ourselves. Now its just a small notification to be open and honest with you that I am gay and the friend that you dont like is someone I am seeing.. Now understandly you dont like him for this reason or that reason however mum love is a seed that plants within and it is one emotion that is not controlled by us as we cannot help who we fall in love with.. Now i know that this news may possibly shock you by im still your son same old person I was five minutes ago only difference now is ive been honest about something and if ya wanna chat about it then feel free as any questions you got ill answer honestly...

Then go from there but stand firm by your belief and if she does any of this is a phase bollocks tell her it isnt and if it was you wouldnt admit it and let it die out

Kindest regards

Aunty zeon xx

[dfiant]

mum has met him and thinks we are friends but has told me that she doesn't like him and doesn't want me spending time with him

This little sentence speaks volumes. I feel that your Mum suspects something else and is rejecting the idea that you are gay and have found a gay 'friend'.

As far as coming out, you will hear the sentence 'We need to talk' come from your mother...I suspect that will be the time for coming out. Just dumping it in her lap when she isn't ready to deal with it is a little selfish.

Just wait for the moment to present itself.

[princealbertofb]

I suspect, SC, that your stalling to tell your parents and the urgency you seem to feel to tell them are both part of the same coin., but come from many pressures.
Let's break it down: you've told friends at school and sisters, I understand. I take it your sisters have said nothing to your parents as it is your own secret to tell, but are they pressuring you to come out. Why? What do they have to gain from your telling? Are they encouraging you to tell the parents or are they just putting extra pressure on you when you are having qualms about it?

Maybe I'm wrong and the pressure comes from within.

Are you getting the impression that by not telling them what ties bind you and the boyfriend, they are ignorant of the real picture and of who your boyfriend really is? Is your boyfriend putting the pressure on you? Are you feeling that you are not being fair, either to your boyfriend (for not calling the relationship a love relationship) or to your parents?

What exactly is it that is pressuring you to the point where you seek advice from strangers? Is your query just fuelled by your own impatience with yourself? Are you finding it dishonest or cowardly?

What you have not said in your post is whether your family is religious and whether this would have any incidence on how your parents take the news.

I suspect that your mum is not actually enjoying the change in your moods (?) nor the shiftiness which you are forced to assume to cushion everyone's feelings, and to save face.

The fact is that while you are not being totally honest (and I don't blame you since your mum has had negative input about your friend) it can't be a comfortable situation.

Mostly, in cases of coming out, if the gay person is likely to jeopardise their position in the family and their livelihood, it might be a good idea not to tell and just keep it secret until such a time as one is independent.

That's why it might be a good idea to ingratiate yourself to your mum by trying to be a little more like you used to be. Parents sometimes have a hard time realising that their children are growing up and becoming (sexual) adults. If you were a daughter it would be expected that you'd come up to your mum to ask advice about what to do to avoid a pregnancy etc... In cases of mums and their sons, they don't expect to have to tell them to be careful about who they date and what to do to get the right protection from sexually transmitted diseases (although it would be a good thing if mums did take that into account at some point, why not?).

As Bowyn has said, there is a likelihood that your mother intimately 'knows' but doesn't want to believe it. Therefore, she is probably stuck with saying that she doesn't like your boyfriend, thinking maybe, irrationally, that it'll be enough to protect you from making the wrong sexual choices and from taking sexual risks. If she is not thinking about that, then what is she thinking about? Have you managed to find ou WHY she doesn't like him?

Whatever you decide to do, let's hope it happens without too much heart-rending. We often make a big fuss to ourselves about coming out, but we are sometimes very surprised at how supportive our parents can be... even if we don't expect them to be. I put it down to a lot of 'stupid' remarks that people say when they haven't really thought about it. Maybe they don't really mean it.
Take care.

[Rainbowmum]

Take your time with this ,find the right moment.
Don't worry the right time will present itself.