unanswered prayers

[ttec4u]

"Looking Back"
Its safe to say.. you'll never know, just what I feel inside...
You'll never know the lonely nights.. or see the tears I've cried,
And you'll never have to wonder.. why you feel this way...
Or hide the shame of who you are.. for fear they'll know your gay,
You'll never have to live a lie.. or pretend your what, your not...
But you'll always hear the reasons why.. they deserved just what they got,
You'll never have to just pretend.. how happy that you are...
While the only place you feel at ease... is some seedy down town bar,
You'll never have hear the words.. " a choice, that you have made"...
While making death a cheaper price.. than what we have to pay,
Things you take for granted.. are things I'll never know...
With so much hate for those like me.... were not allowed to go,
I'll never have "that special day" .. to proclaim my love out loud...
And no one will ever call me "Dad".. or want to make me proud,
I'm not afforded all the rights... that you enjoy each day...
And there are places.. you don't dare.. to let them know your gay,
If hate and fear are nurtured... just how can we progress?
As children take there lives each day.. for what they can't confess,
And how many lives must be lost.. before the world will see...
Your born with the heart you carry.. its not what you chose to be,
Open your eyes, I'm your brother.. your sister.. a friend that you knew...
Let go of the hate and the anger.. and what you'll see looking back is you.
sg

[OrphanPip]

Um, welcome to the forum I guess?

As to the poetry, it doesn't quite scan very well. Rhyming couplets work best if they're held together with a consistent metrical pattern, at least an iambic line if not always a pentameter. Also, there are some typos.

[Supernaut]

Um....cool story bro.....welcome.

[Toby]

Hey there ttec4u,

Interesting poem. But I think it'd be great if you introduced yourself OOP (out of poety).

[ttec4u]

Why would you scan it? And is that all that you got from the poem?

[ttec4u]

Which one did you find interesting,

[OrphanPip]

Why would you scan it? And is that all that you got from the poem?

You misunderstand, if a poem follows a regular beat or meter, it is said to scan (the study of meter in poetry is referred to as scansion). It bothered me that the poem's meter is not regular, in other words it bothered me that it did not scan. One major problem with the poems is that because of how rough the metrical pattern is, it reads like cut up prose with forced rhymes to seem poetic.

Let's use the first line as an example:

"I've lost all control it seems, as I spiral towards the ground.
u / u / u / u, u u / u / u u /

Ok so, your line scans to my mind like so. This creates some awkwardness around the first phrase and the second. Ending on "it seems" makes a phrase hang awkwardly over an extended stretch of unstressed syllables, which makes the reader fumble a bit mid line. It didn't help that the line was difficult to scan even like this, because several of the syllables are ambiguously stressed, which contributes to a flat meter in the actual reading. And if I tried to force a stress on seems to make it fit a normally poetic iambic meter it would be very awkward.

This kind of continued throughout the poem and makes the flow of the lines a little difficult, and would be less of a problem if the poem was written in free verse rather than structured around the rhyming couplets.

As to content, I'm sure it's sincere but much of the word choice and imagery strikes me as uninspired. I think the first one is better than the second one, the two phrase/line pattern gives it a bit of structure that holds it together a bit better, but its content doesn't inspire me very much.

So, my general advice would be to work on the word choice a bit to improve the lines, try to be less wordy and prosaic.

[ttec4u]

I understand what your saying... but you'll haver to cut me some slack. I wrote that yesterday after losing an unlawful detainer case, and am facing be tossed out on the streets. I was very and still upset. You didn't say how you liked the second poem?

[dlboy53]

Um, welcome to the forum I guess?

As to the poetry, it doesn't quite scan very well. Rhyming couplets work best if they're held together with a consistent metrical pattern, at least an iambic line if not always a pentameter. Also, there are some typos.

You maybe a Poet, but did he ask for your input on what he wrote. If he did then fine but I sure did not see him ask for it. It clearly had some feeling to it for a reason.

Thanks for sharing your feeling and I'm sorry that you lost your detainer or what ever it was

[ttec4u]

Thank you for your understanding... your the reason I write at all... I'm just facing some hard times right now.