Do you know you? Do you know what's scary?

[SadSilence]

You know what it's like... Of course not. Don't magnify my agnony with your petty words of encourage. Slipping further every day. Dying every day. The only preservation left is that of cold water, the agony of my body wanting to stop. Maybe I'm falling? I can't tell you why I'm breaking down... Correction, why I'm breaking for you. I admit that I'm losing control, I admit that I don't want people in but I'm afraid of being alone. I can't sleep so I'll take a breath and hide behind my bravest mask.

You see only anger and depression with my expressions. But know this, this is me. I look angered all the time but I'm not. Do not fear me, talk to me, I've been broken, I cannot speak first. Authority, command, and power. Speak first, and I'll speak. I dare not take a chance by speaking out. What's the point of flying through the sky if you have no one to share it with? Together we stand, together we fail. Together we hurt, together we heal.

I tried to murder the lonely. But there's no escape, doesn't matter how many times you kill it. It will always come back until finally you succumb to it and let it bend you towards it's will. Maybe, if you're lucky, you'll remember the pain because it keeps you company. Do you know what is scary? Not those who see through you. But those who are so idle minded that they can't. The devil is soon to dance

[Nick9]

Hi SadSilence,
it's been a while

Do you know what's scary? To realize that the majority of people around you isn't really interested in you. Isn't eager to see you, not to mention see through you.
But you know, I guess that's ok. We are the center of our own universe. They have their own.

Our universe can be wide, or small. It depends on our demands we have on the people around us. We briefly look at a person and our mind starts to assess him and compare the results to the ideal picture in our mind.

Some people say, I just want to find someone to talk to, someone who would love me, do I ask to much?
But when you talk to them, you slowly realize that after the long time the have spent looking for this person, they have built up a very clearly defined picture and their demands on that someone got very high over the time.

It starts with the look, but it includes also He must be real and must live close. Internet friends are not real, long distance friendship in not good, I want to see my friend whenever I need to.
The next thing is He must be funny and nice and entertaining and I must feel good in his company.
His friends must like me.
We have to have a lot of common interests and hobbies.
One real friend is all I want.

Tough. Suddenly the searching person realizes that his list is pretty long. No wonder it's not working. He is looking for the best friend or even the future husband.

I don't know you well enough, I don't know your list and your demands and I have no idea how honest you are with yourself. Take it as my brainstorming, not a direct advice.

I believe that finding the best friend this way is a matter of pure luck. Many people will fall through the screen before they even open they mouth.
I believe that the best friendship is not something we are granted and not something we will have all the time, there will be years without it.

I had one best friend (a girl) when I was about 13. We were seeing each other every day for two months and then kept exchanging letters for the next ten months. And then we had a chance to meet again for the holiday.

I had another good friend in high school. But we usually saw each other only at school.

Many years later I had found another best friend - in my sister.

Just three... terrible score, isn't it? But I had a lot of acquaintances. I didn't look for one person to share everything with. I have my "screen" pretty dense, only a few people went through it.

I "kept" basically two thirds of the class to talk to during school, one person to share my way back home with, one to talk about books, one to do one sports with, another for different sport.
Yes I was in the middle of kids' fights too, but I was happy.

Sometimes I feel like you (and not only you) are looking for the love of your life, but you are not interested in simple superficial relationships.

Other people around you are also looking for someone who will make their day nicer.

Will you be that person for them, SadSilence?

And if you think you will, do they have the chance to find out? What are you doing to let them know? Maybe there is someone in your school who you haven't even noticed yet and with your angry attitude you are ready to slip through his/her screen.

Nobody will pull you out of your misery just like that. Other people have their own worries and troubles. They need to get to know you first and then they will maybe willing to let you pull them into your troubles and they try to help.

But first of all there is you and your willingness and determination to help yourself. Not by deep psychological analysis.
By simple fact that you try not to be angry, try to smile more (don't start with I don't feel like it, get used to the idea that your schoolmates maybe don't feel like helping you. You need to do the first step toward them)

You didn't want petty words of encouragement. I guess I give you none. But I do care about you and I want you to feel better.

It needs to start with you. Don't wait that someone will find you sitting angry and hurt in the corner, he will drop everything and try to save you. You need to make a step forward too. Make it easier for him/her.

Come back, keep posting. Make some friends here.