On the outs

[bear]

Hello, I have been reading over a lot of posts in this section and it seems that many people are afraid to come out of the closet because of obligatory feelings and fear of being rejected by their families. I too am one of these people as my current situation leaves me feeling trapped and alone.

I am the youngest of four children and I still live at home with my aging parents. My fathers health is failing and requires help throughout the day to do anything, such as move around the house, get food, and to take his medications. Over the past few years, I have taken more responsibility taking care of my father as the stress of his condition has been a large strain on my mother. With my fathers health declining and his constant need for help, I am being pressured by my parents not to move out.

My parents at best could be described as conservative. My father is not a tolerant person and makes racist and homophobic comments on a daily basis. His brass and egocentric attitude has strained the relationships between him and my brothers and sisters, as he takes any disagreement personally. My sister, for example, had a child before being married and he regularly refers to the child as a bastard.

When I was 12, I was going through puberty and knew that I was supposed to be attracted to girls. However, I found myself attracted to other guys which scared the hell out of me. Being 12 and confused, I brought up the issue to my father. I wasn't suicidal, I knew what gay was and had been around my father long enough to know how he handled differences, so I did something that I have regretted ever sense. I pretended that my a has told me my feelings. My father said "I have to put up with that shit at work (putting up with ppl), but I'm not gonna put up with no fruitcake in my family". Since this conversation, my father has completely ostracized my cousin and avoids him at all costs. This really hurt me as inadvertently threw my cousin under the bus and made me feel that my fathers love was conditional. I went through the rest of my adolescence trying to make myself straight. I had girlfriends, watched straight porn as "homework", and even researched camps that claimed they could turn you straight. This did nothing but make me bitter and socially awkward.

I eventually came to relative terms with my sexuality, but I have never could build up enough courage to act on my feelings and show in any way I am gay. My parents have shown concern that I am not dating enough and they keep introducing me to women I have no interest in. It is disheartening for me to think about my situation because I feel I have to hide who I am. If my parents find out who I am, I will lose them along with the rest of my family.

Despite his imperfections, I love my father. He's my dad, he's the one who taught me responsibly, how to fish, to read. I know who he is and I know he is not capable of change. He is a bigot and the definition of intolerance. His constant soliloquies about " fags" and "fruitcakes" hurt me on a daily basis, but i cannot just walk away. That is what my brothers and sisters have done and encourage me to do as well. It is ironic that the faggot of the family would stay with him. I often think how much he would hate to know that he is dependent on someone who is gay. From an outsiders perspective, it is ironic that god would give my father a gay son.

What should I do? If I tell my parents I'm gay, I'll be ostracized and the shock may impact my fathers health. If i stay in the closet, I sacrifice my own happiness and deny who I really am. I, like many others, have created this facade that i hide behind. My parents love the facade, but I fear they will not love the real me.

[pellaz]

Your siblings need to contribute to your parents well fair too.

You need to start on your own life, get a place to stay, things to do. Your parents will not last forever. You have whole wonderful life to live. Chose to come out if you want but get away from your father.

every boy on the plant will have his father leave him. There is a big danger you will not be prepared for this.

[avidcyclistMTB]

Bear, I'm sorry you are where you are. I have been there.

Your father is a bigot. You talk about loving him yet you detest his core (lack of) values. If you come out to him you know what will happen. He's already told you that. It took me many years to come out to my family and much pain and suffering and tongue biting and compromise on my part. I regret every minute of that. I thought I loved my parents as well and thought I wanted them in my life. The instant I came out to them I realized they didn't want me in their lives and it wasn't worth all the time I had invested.

Your gestures toward your father are noble and you sound like a kind a loving son despite your knowledge of the way your parents would feel if you told them what they probably already know. Your siblings need to step up and help carry the load not just so you might be able to be who you actually are, but also because they just should.

Good luck in the very weighty decisions you are faced with. Just know that life can actually go on (or even improve) when your parents are out of the picture. It sounds harsh, but I am testament to that.

[dfiant]

I am so sorry to hear about the predicament you find yourself in.

You need to follow your heart, do what you need to do to become the person you want to be.

I think it is terribly sad that someone of your age is is a primary carer for elderly parents. At the very least should this not be the responsibility of the other 3 as well. None of this bullshit that you are the youngest and the other three are married and have responsibilities, you are not afforded the same opportunities to make your own life.

Is there not some sort of service that provides a nurse/carer for your father on a daily basis that comes to the home and makes sure he is taking his meds and keeping up his personal hygeine?

I think a big part of your problem stems from frustration, the frustration of feeling cooped up and not able to get out and meet people. So not necessarily a 'coming out' question but a 'getting out' question?

[bear]

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to respond to my post. I was in a depressed mood last night and decided to vent some of my frustrations. When it come to weighing my options, I still feel guilty when I consider moving out and starting my life so it was cool for me to see that this decision was supported by everyone. I do feel obligated to stay because my other siblings have basically abandoned him. When he talks about the lack of communication he has with the rest of his children, his voice cracks as he hides his pain under his gruff demeanor. He refuses to have someone come in outside of the family to help because of his pride.

Pellaz (and others who know)- because of my fathers health, I have spent more time than I would ever like in a hospital. There have been a couple of instances in which my father was on the cusp of death. I do not wish for him to die, but I feel prepared as one can be when the moment occurs. However, im not sure how i would handle being rejected by him if he learned my sexuality. Should I wait for him to pass away before I tell people I'm gay or should I make a point to tell him before he dies?

Dfiant- I like the way you put it. I do feel somewhat coistered from socializing how I would like to. It does not help that I live in Newark Ohio lol. I am conservative in my actions and one cannot tell that I am gay by appearances. So, I have never approached a guy or been in a relationship that I was emotionally invested in.

[azulai]

Are you in school?
Are you financially dependent on your parents?
Are you working?
What are your goals?
What are your hobbies?

Your answers to these questions might change my response. But at this moment I will tell you that at some point you have to start living your life.

Sometimes we have to use bigotry/conditional love/family situations to our advantage. If you are financially dependent on your parents for tuition and a roof over your head, then I would start by slowly making yourself independent. Use the situation to your advantage while you are getting your degree as much as you can.

If they won't accept you for who you truly are, that's not love. You owe them nothing. You do owe yourself a life and a chance at happiness.

What will invariably happen is your father will pass away and then your mother will guilt you into staying with her. The cycle will continue of you being used by your family. Before you know it you will be forty, and living with your aging and ill mother.

Really? This is the life you want?

None of this is love or respect for you as a person regardless of whether or not you are gay.

I think your family is taking advantage of your kind nature. I think you love your dad but you don't like him. He is responsible for his actions of ostracizing other family members. Therefore, it is his problem if no one wants to step up and help him out now. Karma.

I would start off small and plan small excursions, by yourself or with friends, and call your sister/brother and say, I need you to help out with Dad this weekend very firmly and don't take no for an answer. Or, make arrangements for a sitter to stay with him and yes, make him pay for someone to assist him. A lot of older conservative family members are often too cheap to spend their money and want family members to do it all for free. Or it's the usual, I don't want a stranger in the house. Too bad, so sad. Maybe he should have been nicer to his family all those years. But some people never achieve self-awareness. It's too late.

You mention you have never acted on your feelings, etc. Well, I would first concentrate on enjoying some me-time, and personal freedom. Then slowly get yourself out there and live a little. Don't rush. You sound like a beautiful caring man and you deserve a beautiful caring man who will treasure you.

I hope you dialog a little more with some of us and maybe vent a little.

[ceez]

you need to focus on your goals, your siblings should at least pitch in for a care taker so the pressure is not all one you. when my grandfather was sick we went with hospice because me being the only healthy one in the house I would've been the main one taking care of him. and much like the irony in your story my grandfather hated gay people but while he was in the hospital it was his gay nephew taking care of him.

[bear]

Right now I am fiscally dependent on my parents as I am completing my masters degree. I graduate at the end of this year. For the last year and a half, my parents have been giving me the "Ph.D talks" as my performance in college has given my parents aspirations beyond my own. This also provides a perfect excuse to stay at home for a few more years. I love my parents, but I sometimes feel crushed by them.

Last week or the week before, Columbus had their "Pride" festival. I really wanted to go and just see what it was like, but I was a coward and could not muster the courage to go. I was just too afraid to go alone and I could not think of an excuse to be down there if I was seen or if I ran into car trouble. So I just watched via the Internet. It just sucks feeling alone. There was a gay guy at my work who was out and proud. He quit after a few months, but I remember how envious I was of him and his accepting family. I did not confide in him because he was a gossip and was kind of a jerk.

Sorry if I sound depressed; I am actually a pretty happy and laid back guy. It just sucks hiding who you are. I would love to be at the bar with my friends (I'm always the dd because I don't drink) and tell one of the girls who hit on me for drinks "No, I'm gay, thanks though". lol.

[azulai]

Hey, bear.

It might help to write yourself a schedule of when you might come out. I did this (didn't follow it! ) but I tend to journal and plan. It would settle my nerves a bit just knowing I wasn't hiding but biding my time. Meanwhile I focused on things I could control.

You are in a difficult situation. I still think you should enlist your siblings to start pulling their weight. I would tell them bluntly you cannot handle it all by yourself.

And you shouldn't, dude.

[OrphanPip]

Never an easy issue. I take care of my ageing parents as well, but my brother does chip in a lot. They also know about my sexuality so it's not as awkward a situation. They'd also like to see me out of grad school as quickly as possible :p, I think I give them nightmares from the amount of time I spend in school, but I pay for it all so it's no skin off their back ha.

As to dealing with your sexuality, Azulai has given you some good advice. You sound like you're feeling really isolated, and I think it would do you a lot of good to try coming out in places that are separated from your family life. I was out in school years before my parents ever knew. I started a bit in high school, but it took me a good 2-3 years before I was comfortable enough to be open about it, and then another bit before dealing with the parents. Have you tried coming out at school, to classmates/friends? Try out the campus LGBT group and see if you can just make some friends that you can be yourself around. There are places you can work on being more comfortable in your own skin without having to worry about the parents just yet.