12-30-2007, 11:02 AM
ok so first of all i am NOT a drug user. i think addictions of this kind are dangerous and i'd never in my life try the heavy stuff "just for fun" as that's some pretty serious shit to deal with if you get hooked. and it's not really my thing.
i was however curious to see what the fuss was all about with pot / hash and magic mushrooms.
i don't smoke so the pot hurt my throat and lungs, making me cough for a long time. the effect was either absent or unpleasant (drowsiness, sickness etc.)
a few days ago i tried mushrooms and it was the worst experience in my life. at first i got just a bit sleepy, which i felt was disappointing, but a few minutes later things became a bit strange - the image became sharper, more in focus, like a 3D movie on a big screen; the colours were changing from reddish hues to orange, green etc.; the shadows on objects started to play and move; time seemed to stand still, and my perception was altered like i was seeing a movie and not my own life. all this was quite interesting and peachy until i realised i had no control over it. and that's when it got worse. i had a panic attack. a siren kept screaming in my head, like a warning that i was in danger. i became really afraid of what i might do, the sounds and colours amplified to a horrifying haze of sensorial nightmares. i couldn't taste or sense anything real, it all seemed like a bad dream that i would never wake up from. thinking was not an option, all there was was that moment of horror that i was going through.
i was with my brother, his girlfriend and two of their friends. they don't know i'm gay. so naturally i was also afraid i might let something slip in that state which would not have been pretty. it was like there was a huge spotlight on me, while everyone else was part of some distorted carnival ride. i started to become really afraid by this point - i had no idea one can feel things like this in real life, in a non-onirical setting... the only thing i wanted was for the sensation to be over. i started drinking coke and they ordered an ice cream for me. i didn't let the turmoil show, but i was frozen and with an icy look on my face (so i have been told). they could not tell what i was thinking, because i kept my control through it all (looking back, i am very proud of myself, as in my head it was a hurricane). i held on to my brother's arm as it was one of the few things keeping me grounded in reality. i even cried for a bit from all the tension in my mind.
then we left and on the street i just stayed by his arm as they took me to a restaurant (the sounds and lights didn't help, and i kept having the - thank god! false - impression i peed my pants) and we had dinner (again, i was not ACTING mad or anything, i tried so hard to control myself). things slowly came back into focus, the panic diminished and then went away, and an hour later i was a-ok.
it was horrible. losing control over your perception, feelings, thoughts... reality. also it seems my subconscious still has some unsolved issues regarding my social status (fear of disappointing, both for me being gay and for the standards i am supposed to hold in front of my family college-wise) and possibly a fear of dying as well. the feeling cannot really be described without using a lot of references to a nightmare. needless to say, i will never do anything like this again. what started out as mere curiosity strengthened my belief that i am very happy with being myself and i don't need enhancers of any kind to improve my state of mind - socially (drugs, alcohol, smoking etc.)
i just wanted to ask if any of you had similar experiences and if you learned something from them. i sure did.
thanks for reading.
pocketed pilgrim.
i was however curious to see what the fuss was all about with pot / hash and magic mushrooms.
i don't smoke so the pot hurt my throat and lungs, making me cough for a long time. the effect was either absent or unpleasant (drowsiness, sickness etc.)
a few days ago i tried mushrooms and it was the worst experience in my life. at first i got just a bit sleepy, which i felt was disappointing, but a few minutes later things became a bit strange - the image became sharper, more in focus, like a 3D movie on a big screen; the colours were changing from reddish hues to orange, green etc.; the shadows on objects started to play and move; time seemed to stand still, and my perception was altered like i was seeing a movie and not my own life. all this was quite interesting and peachy until i realised i had no control over it. and that's when it got worse. i had a panic attack. a siren kept screaming in my head, like a warning that i was in danger. i became really afraid of what i might do, the sounds and colours amplified to a horrifying haze of sensorial nightmares. i couldn't taste or sense anything real, it all seemed like a bad dream that i would never wake up from. thinking was not an option, all there was was that moment of horror that i was going through.
i was with my brother, his girlfriend and two of their friends. they don't know i'm gay. so naturally i was also afraid i might let something slip in that state which would not have been pretty. it was like there was a huge spotlight on me, while everyone else was part of some distorted carnival ride. i started to become really afraid by this point - i had no idea one can feel things like this in real life, in a non-onirical setting... the only thing i wanted was for the sensation to be over. i started drinking coke and they ordered an ice cream for me. i didn't let the turmoil show, but i was frozen and with an icy look on my face (so i have been told). they could not tell what i was thinking, because i kept my control through it all (looking back, i am very proud of myself, as in my head it was a hurricane). i held on to my brother's arm as it was one of the few things keeping me grounded in reality. i even cried for a bit from all the tension in my mind.
then we left and on the street i just stayed by his arm as they took me to a restaurant (the sounds and lights didn't help, and i kept having the - thank god! false - impression i peed my pants) and we had dinner (again, i was not ACTING mad or anything, i tried so hard to control myself). things slowly came back into focus, the panic diminished and then went away, and an hour later i was a-ok.
it was horrible. losing control over your perception, feelings, thoughts... reality. also it seems my subconscious still has some unsolved issues regarding my social status (fear of disappointing, both for me being gay and for the standards i am supposed to hold in front of my family college-wise) and possibly a fear of dying as well. the feeling cannot really be described without using a lot of references to a nightmare. needless to say, i will never do anything like this again. what started out as mere curiosity strengthened my belief that i am very happy with being myself and i don't need enhancers of any kind to improve my state of mind - socially (drugs, alcohol, smoking etc.)
i just wanted to ask if any of you had similar experiences and if you learned something from them. i sure did.
thanks for reading.
pocketed pilgrim.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
)
