Sex Phobia

[ElfiexElfSeeker]

I've been phobic of sex since I can remember. I mean, it was just so sinful and taboo when I was a child, we didn't speak of it in my family, unless it was to say we should not engage in it. Then I had my first bf and he sexually abused me. Then I was even more phobic of sex. I've been trying to work through this fear in therapy, but I can't seem to get anywhere with it. My counselor got to a point where she told me to just do it already and that I would enjoy it. How does she know that? I've never had sex with a man, and the thought of doing so kind of disgusts me. I don't want anything inside me, even though that is the natural design for humans. With women I'm not so phobic. I have had sex with an ex-gf and it was beautiful, wonderful. I don't think I could ever achieve that with a man. But maybe I could if I worked out my trauma.

Does anyone else have or had a phobia of sex? I'd love some advice.

[Pix]

My counselor got to a point where she told me to just do it already and that I would enjoy it

DUMP her. She should have her license revoked.

She thinks you'll like it because she does. And if she can't realize others are wired differently for a variety of reasons then she's just a poster child for malpractice. Even worse, she might either be working out her own issues through you, trying to see if she can control you as it gives her a thrill, or even hopes to traumatize you further so that you'll feel even more damaged and thus even in more need of her services.

One of the worst mistakes I made in my life was being talked into having ful penetration with a boy I did not want at 15 by my promiscuous best friend who insisted I'd like once I had it. I really wanted someone to talk me out of it but no one was around that I respected enough who would (probably Granny would've, but that would've been long distance and I didn't want to have to explain to anyone why I wanted to talk to her). So I went through with it and it was painful and traumatic and haunted me for years. It was horrible and awkward for him as well. The only good that came out of it was that I NEVER let myself be bullied by peer pressure again.

[Pix]

My advice would be to take the time to develop trust first who makes you feel safe (even protected). This isn't easy and may take some time, but plenty of men and women are willing and able to do this even if it requires patience. Never feel obligated to endure something you feel is horrible just to please someone else who believes his (or her) needs are important while yours are not (especially if you offer compromises that you're comfortable with).

Of course plenty won't like it (tip: it helps to be clear that it's past trauma you're still working through than saying a person is bad for desiring to have you in a way you don't want to be had). But IMO it's better to be lonely than to live with someone you fear, hate, and/or despise (and in the end hate and despise yourself for giving in).

And in my experience loneliness isn't even that much of a problem anyway. Friends (online and off), beloved relatives, and pets keep me from being lonely when I'm single, I don't require someone to want to touch tongues with me for me to fill fulfilled.

[ElfiexElfSeeker]

Thanks for the response Pix,

I do wonder sometimes if she is trying to work through her issues via me. She use to be homophobic. She still is a little, she had the decent honesty to admit it and say that it was something of an issue for her. But I didn't care. She's the best in the area and I'm going to talk about liking women if I damn well please. Anyway, he middle child, a daughter, left her husband for a woman. And it really upset my counselor. She has admitted that she feels like a second mother to me, and so I could see how she might associate me to her daughter and that that might cause her some pain. But she hasn't admitted it. Just what I think.

She told me, when in the mood, I would want something up there. Um...I've never felt like I wanted something like that inside of me. I've had dreams about it, but I'm really just more comfortable with women. This past relationship...he pressured me to "pounce" him. According to him it wasn't the same as having sex but he wanted me to jump on him, wrap my legs around him and makeout with him for hours. He even said that that is what he wanted for his birthday. I told him about my trauma and how I needed to take things slow, and while he said he was okay with that he would turn around and pressure me. I felt dread every time I went to his place, or when he spent the night here. I use to take sedatives in order to sleep because I would have been way too nervous to sleep. In the past I would stay up all night while my bf slept so that I was in control and knew he wouldn't do anything to me.

I might feel lonely now (I just broke up with Buddy a day ago) but I feel at peace, as if a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I felt like being with him was a lie. I couldn't be comfortable, I couldn't control the anxiety. Now I realize how much stress that relationship put on me. I prefer to be lonely at the moment while I work out my personal kinks.

One more thing. I love Hello Kitty, so I love your avatar.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I don't know, the whole 'Just do it' thing may be her last alternative for treatment. It may be that there really isn't anything else left to try, thus the suggestion may be the last option.

I know from personal experience that there are individuals who I would do things with that I wouldn't do with anyone else (sex and other things). I think with the right person sex would be enjoyable for you and all of your distrust and 'fear' of the act may actually all but vanish in the arms of the right person (male or female).

Some phobias are treated with being introduced to the thing you fear - acclimatized to that which you fear. Thus patients with fear of flying are taken to airports, then get to sit in an airplane with the engine off, then later get to ride down the runway (no taking off) then eventually build up to taking a flight or two.

Of course with sex there is none of these convenient partway trips, and honestly do you want to have your therapist sitting there 'holding your hand' as you have sex with someone else? :tongue:

Therapists are not saints, nor do they possess god-like abilities to 'cure' you. They can only do so much, ultimately it is up to the patient to do things - try thing and see if they work.

In your case you do not have so much as a phobia of sex, but have been traumatized - abused - tortured with/about sex.

Abuse/torture victims don't ever 'get over' the torture/abuse. Sure we can learn how to deal with the attending emotions that stem from abuse, but we never forget the abuse and we have the emotional memories to 'deal with'. Those emotional memories are rooted in the animal hind-brain. They do not respond to intellectual debate nor a lot of the rationalization that we have with our fore-brain - our 'civilized' thoughts.

Trust is going to be a huge deal for you, you are going to need to trust your partner to not hurt you. People who have had their trust betrayed (such as in cases of abuse) tend to be very stingy with who and how much trust they give. In the arms of the right person who instills more trust than others, I suspect that sex would cease to be a traumatic event for you but would be indeed a wonderful experience. Perhaps this is what your therapist is aiming for?

IF the therapist isn't working at this from the abuse angle, then I fear that working on the lack of desire for sex or fear of sex ain't gonna help. You were abused - the mindset of the abused needs to be dealt with.

I have been in an out of therapy for decades dealing with abuse and how it impacts my day to day life. I have huge trust issues - I trust most people about as far as I can throw them. No rethink that, I can throw people pretty far .

I have had several therapists, a few I did not like - we had 'personality conflicts' that lead to professional issues, thus therapy with them was not as effective as it could be.

I got the most bang for my buck with therapists who I liked than those I couldn't trust fully or be as open and honest with due to personality conflicts.

IF you feel that her stance on LGBT is one of 'questionable tolerance' then find one who works with LGBT and doesn't have issues or 'past issues'. Find one who you like. You are allowed to shop around.

Understand that a therapist is in basic terms a 'professional friend'. They are paid to listen and offer suggestions based on what you tell them. Granted I doubt you will go out and paint the town red with your therapist, but you will require a good deal of trust as you would trust a close friend in order for therapy to work.

For people with trust issues, this means you can be seeing a lot of professional friends before you find one that you can really connect with and feel safe enough with in order to actually work on your issues.

[ElfiexElfSeeker]

Thank you Bowyn. This gave me a lot to consider. I think my counselor is doing her best to help me. Sometimes she rubs me the wrong way, but for the most part I trust her and have been seeing her since I was 19. She knows me very well (though not well enough when I came out to her as bisexual. That shocked her).

I guess I will resign myself to have trust issues in any relationship. I prefer to view my self as a survivor rather than a victim. It helps. I found a website to do healing exercises for survivors of sexual abuse. It's helping. I don't want to be alone forever, but I need to figure out some things before I go searching for a girl friend. Yes, I've decided my next relationship will be with a girl.

BTW...Elfkin? Are you Otherkin too?

[myapple]

I don't have a phobia of sex, nor have I ever had one, but for the past few weeks I've been really hating sex and getting extremely disgusted by it. Mostly because it's so easy to get, the fear of catching an STD or anything of that nature, etc. But for you, there's nothing wrong with your fear of sex. I see that you're doing research on things to help you get over it, and that's great. Whenever you are ready to do it, make sure the person is worth it. Someone you can, who is patient with you and you're comfortable around. Your counselor is something else lol but always, always keep a mind of your own.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Thank you Bowyn. This gave me a lot to consider. I think my counselor is doing her best to help me. Sometimes she rubs me the wrong way, but for the most part I trust her and have been seeing her since I was 19. She knows me very well (though not well enough when I came out to her as bisexual. That shocked her).

I guess I will resign myself to have trust issues in any relationship. I prefer to view my self as a survivor rather than a victim. It helps. I found a website to do healing exercises for survivors of sexual abuse. It's helping. I don't want to be alone forever, but I need to figure out some things before I go searching for a girl friend. Yes, I've decided my next relationship will be with a girl.

BTW...Elfkin? Are you Otherkin too?

You don't have to resign yourself to having trust issues.

Survivor over victim:

A Parable: A man looses his leg in a car accident. He is both a victim and a survivor. While he eventually moves on he still has lost his leg. He is not going to grow a new leg, he is not going to be running on two feet that he was born with. No matter how much he may wish to not be a victim, he is still a victim.

You, me and others like us who went through abuse - survived abuse - are handicapped for life. No we are not missing a limb - physically, but we are missing bits and pieces inside that just do not grow back. Sure, if we get into therapy we can get prosthesis for emotional/mental stuff - (tools that your therapist may show you and have you work with) But we are forever 'damaged' - forever missing certain things we had before our injuries took place.

No one condemns the one legged man for using a crutch or a prosthetic leg, then why on earth would you condemn yourself for your missing parts and seeking an emotional prosthesis in order to function?

IF that man with one leg refuses to acknowledge that missing leg, he is going to fall over every time he tries to walk trying to pretend to have two legs. You are going to fall over every time you pretend there is nothing wrong with you. Once we acknowledge what we are missing, we can work around it and start actually living our lives.

I have been accused of being otherkin by others here and abroad. I do not relate well with the whole notion as laid out by other elves(kin). But then when I went to research the idea I found that there is not much positive on the notion of otherkin, but lots of sites that have a jolly time shooting down the elves, fairys, dragons, etc....:o

[ElfiexElfSeeker]

Okay, I see your point. Bowyn I've just had "think like a survivor" pounded into my psyche, and to never think of myself as a victim. But you are right. We are forever damaged by our experiences but I also believe we can still find happiness in life. I have to hold onto that hope. I have a lot of missing mental and emotional legs.

I came across Otherkin in college. I met an Elf and she became my best friend. I, personally, resonate with Feykin, pixies in particular. I would love to find a decent Otherkin group, but well...a lot of Otherkin are arrogant bastards and can be difficult to deal with. Nonetheless, it would be comforting to find a niche in the subculture community. It is one of my strong beliefs.

Myapple, Thanks for the response. And you're right...keep your own mind. I have low self-confidence so I tend to second guess myself. Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad I'm not alone in this.

[Pix]

My grannie called me a pixie, even "Pix" which is why I chose the name here (as I'd just seen her and she'd called me that again). I'd love to meet an Otherkin pixie (or 3) just to see what they're like.

I knew an Otherkin dragon and at first I just shrugged off her claim that she was a dragon in a human body. I didn't care one way or another about it, and while I didn't actually believe it I thought it made her interesting to be around. But I reconsidered not just because there was something subtly draconic about her but because I noticed that when she walked it was as if people subconsciously avoided her wings (that is, if she had wings). I've been curious and fascinated by Otherkin ever since, though (other than those claiming to be vampires or alien "walk ins" which seem somehow different to me) I've had very little experience (and no pixies yet).