Having trouble coming out to myself

[Skitty]

So basically, I have been battling with trying to figure out my sexuality for a few years. I have had a good few heterosexual girlfriends and experiences, and enjoyed them, consciously at least. However, it has recently become clear to me that I am repressing a whole other side of myself, and I can feel the energetic warps with my mind that cause me to neurotically avoid looking at all of that stuff. What I don't know is how deep it is, how much of my heterosexuality is just falsely created, and how much I'm going to freak out when that unavoidable connection with reality actually hits me full on. I have gotten close to that, but my mind just can't deal with it, and the feeling often fades quickly. Right now, I must say that I am very overwhelmed with all of it, and the idea of embracing my true sexuality is terrifying. I just don't want to see whatever truth is lurking underneath my overactive mind. Any ideas with starting to unpack this? I'm really confused at the moment.

[latent25]

Hi Skitty!

I know exactly how you feel. The only thing that works for myself is to look deep inside, and I usually find the answer waiting for me there - just quiet that little voice of your ego, that keeps saying "I want to be like this", "I want to be like that" or "I can't be like that, please, anything but that". Whatever is left, whatever you truly feel in your gut, that's who you are. (That doesn't mean that you have to _fully_ give into _every_ temptation without thinking of the consequences - not even straight people do that.)

Being totally honest with you - right now I don't believe in _true_ bisexuality. You're either straight or gay, whatever you do with it is just a statistic. I don't have much experience, but the "bisexual" people that I've met so far have simply been gays in denial or trying to live another life. True bisexuality might exist, I don't know, I just haven't met anyone like that, whom I'd believe.

Personally, I think I did enjoy heterosexual sex - you still get to share an intimate moment with someone, you still get to cum But what I've realised now is that _true_ attraction and _true_ lust for me exists only for men. So I believe I'm gay. I still might have sex with women, but I know it's a different thing. Would I enjoy it? Most probably yes. Am I bisexual? Statistically, yes. By _true_ nature? I don't think so.

Now for me that was hard to accept - because of the culture that I grew up in. That might be the case for you too. Here's where I found courage to face it:

imdb.com/name/nm0000008
imdb.com/name/nm0000015

Recognise them? Two of the greatest and most iconic actors ever, both queer as hell. And both were _loved_ by the ladies, and both took advantage of that, in one way or another. Brando even had a family, and nine kids, as far I know. A more recent example:

imdb.com/name/nm0362766

Someone who has embraced his homosexuality, been married, has a kid, seems to be a great person and a loving father. And an awesome actor too.

What I took from these guys for myself was: don't be afraid of who you are. Embrace it. Understand it. But don't let just one thing fully define you. Just be aware of what you really feel, not just sexually, but in every important aspect of your life. And make choices based on that. Not based on society's prejudice - not the one that says that you can't be gay nor the one that says what you must be like if you are gay. Understand that you are a real, living, feeling human being and your basic right is to strive for a happy life.

If you feel like talking more or if you just need someone to listen, send me a private message.

P.S. Check this out too: itgetsbetter.org

[latent25]

Sorry, I tried three times to leave a reply with what I wanted to say, and all of them got blocked - I guess waiting for an admin to approve them (I don't see what the trigger for admin approval is though). When one does, you can read it, but in the mean time, google it gets better. It does get better

[Skitty]

ps, I tried to send this as a PM but it won't let me, so I will just leave it here:

Hey man,
thank you so much for your words. I'm at a very confused juncture right now, and it really is immensely difficult. I just got back from studying abroad in Korea, and I'm just kind of floating around california at the moment, not wanting to go home until I have this figured out, but at the same time wanting to just go home and not deal with any of it. I would be curious to hear about your own journey or whatever, those kind of things always help. Thank you again.

[Rainbowmum]

Hello Skitty,
I am so sorry you are having such a hard time.

To gain ground you must first have self approval , you cannot live your life to the tune of an outdated brain washed society.

You must accept your self as you are , do not over analyze things, you are perfect just the way you are .
There is nothing wrong with you ,there is nothing to feel ashamed or disgusted about.

Look a round at nature, so many animals are Bisexual, they are also perfect.
And when you take away the haughtiness are we not animals ourselves?

Fighting against nature is the toughest most degrading battle you will ever fight.
Forget about the church forget about a twisted brain washed opinion ,stop living your life for someone else.

You were not put on this Earth to please others , and that goes for their expectations as well.
Live for yourself , stop beating yourself up.

We are all here for you and we accept you the way you are.

[Skitty]

^I can't tell you how amazing that was to read just now. Thank you so much.