Top/Bottom Thing

[Pix]

Top/Bottom, Sub/Dom, etc are attempts to come up with non-gender specific terms to describe the roles of individuals in a same gender relationship based on the general ideas of the leadership/follower relationship design that has evolved over millions of years with a species that only has two genders.

This (and the rest of the post) was very interesting! And I'm glad you could verbalize it because the top/bottom thing for gay men is clearer for me now.

In my experience as a lesbian it's pretty much used just as a strictly sexual term and while there are masculine lesbians who like to "be the man" (while others are more maternally dominant, or at least prone to hen peck) I've found it even more common (in the cases of who's in charge rather than the usual partnership) for the top to be submissive (if she exclusively tops then her partner is probably what we call a pillow princess or pillow queen who is spoiled sexually, including in being topped, and often in other ways as well, though there are pillow queens who will spoil her partner in other ways just to be topped in bed). The whole "who's the boss" thing seems less prevalent (or perhaps it's more accurate to say it's a lot more complicated and appearances can be deceiving...). It exists among some but for others it can actually be a secret shame to want to be the unquestioned alpha or nurturer (some lesbians really look down on "S&M dykes" and any suspected of being such for a variety of reasons, from philosophical to your garden variety of snobbery), and many see those who want a clear gender role as selfish, immature, and/or warped.

Just to be clear I don't really care. Whatever works for people is fine by me (that's not to say I'm compatible with everyone, just that I don't really judge others very often for their preferences). And just about everyone can be of use to someone, and I recognize that even in those few I DO tend to frown upon.

[Samdabisa]

I personally "label" myself as a bottom for many reasons, main reason being I prefer to receive anal sex than give. But otherwise I love exchanging oral, kissing, jerking off or even grinding. It all depends on who I'm fooling around with and the vibe we give each other.

[monk]

I have some gay friends who have been in a relationship since they were in their 30s and are now in their 60s and when I was talking to them one day about the whole top and bottom thing, they had no clue what I was talking about!

Way back then (in the UK at least) it was referred to as active or passive. I've only come across the top and bottom terms in the last couple of years since being on the 'net.

[archubbycub]

Ok so let me ask this. I've heard it said that the "bottom" is actually the one in control of it all. Having no experience in this as or yet (darn it I feel like a virgin all over again when I type that), could someone please explain to me how that is?

[archubbycub]

WOW!! Talk about killing a thread! LOL

[LateBloomer]

Ok so let me ask this. I've heard it said that the "bottom" is actually the one in control of it all. Having no experience in this as or yet (darn it I feel like a virgin all over again when I type that), could someone please explain to me how that is?

I think the idea is that the bottom controls the speed and rhythm and practically everything else since he's in a "vulnerable" position...

...so "passive and "submissive" aren't accurate adjectives.

That's the basic idea. Not sure I totally agree with it.

For me, sex is all about knowing when to lead and when to follow. For me, it's best when a balance is struck. I don't want to be in total control (no matter what the position is), nor do I want to BE controlled.

Savvy?

[East]

A true dominant/submissive experience is an example of pure equality with both positions interchangeable...and then meeting in the middle with perfect balance...afterward you can easily access tantric pleasures with the body/soul/mind all in balance.....

The mind must allow you to be willing to submit completely at which time you become the dominate force and the dominate becomes the submissive.....

...and beyond that wall in our minds is ALOT of freedom. I have always maintained that sexual expression is a manifestation of something much deeper and the key to evolving as a human being... It is the primary reason I do not allow anyone else to define anything for me because letting other people define things will keep the wall in place....I am instead grateful for insights that will help me open up my own doors.....

So...in that spirit...dont' take my word for it...try it yourself:biggrin:

[WheresTheLove]

You can't expect a reply in a short span as 11 hours sometimes... it takes longer. Be patient.

[avidcyclistMTB]

Ok so let me ask this. I've heard it said that the "bottom" is actually the one in control of it all. Having no experience in this as or yet (darn it I feel like a virgin all over again when I type that), could someone please explain to me how that is?

Again, I defy the whole labeling concept. If the two (or more?) partners communicate with each other about what's going on, either before, after or during, then who cares about all this top/bottom crap?

[East]

Again, I defy the whole labeling concept. If the two (or more?) partners communicate with each other about what's going on, either before, after or during, then who cares about all this top/bottom crap?

Obviously the people who use the terms care....I think each of us should define ourselves in whatever manner we choose...and there is NOTHING wrong with owning a preference or defining yourself within those parameters.