need to loosten up

[cowboy147]

hey yall,
well here's another long rant/inquiry.
How does one loosten up, when they're to self aware all the time. I have always been extremely aware of whats going on in my life. So much so that it about drives me crazy. I should probably go talk to someone but I don't like discussing my issues with anyone. The only reason I do it here may be because I'm not actually in a room with all of you so I don't see you and therefore more comfortable typing it, though it is still a bit bothersome to me that I am telling it. I can not seem to be able to loosen up enough to be able to talk guys or to just have a good time making a fool of myself. whether going out with one drink of getting straight up wasted I am always in control of what I am doing. I won't allow myself to do anything stupid or anything that would make me look like an ass at the time. In some cases it is good cause I know not to drive ever when I'm drunk and I make sure my keys are where I can't get to them. But then I won't allow myself to do stupid karaoke cause of the fear of embarrassing myself. I haven't been able to do hardly anything gay due to lack of funds. I have been to a couple of gay bars and went to the gay rodeo. There were so many men I wanted to at least say hi to and strike of some kind of conversation but I never have or know what to talk about. So I don't even try to talk to them. I am so in my own head three steps ahead it seems at time of how it will turn out that I don't bother and end up alone all night. I know this is mostly fear, and I need to get over it someway. How do you let yourself out of your head and just live in the moment. I have to have everything planned out it seems that it is ruling my life. I have thought of talking to someone but the next thing that usually comes is some kind of medication and that will just mess with my head more. I probably even need to get on some kind of anti depressant medication but don't want to deal with what that will do to me. My father was a manic depressant and from what I know it is genetic, and from my behavior I seem to have some form of it. That goes right back to being self aware. There are times I am in such a depressed state I am in pain, and instead of just being in pain and wanting it to stop, I am thinking of all the logical reasons of what's happening to me, I know this is where people contemplate suicide and I can see why, to make the pain stop, but I know that what I am feeling is temporary and it won't last. So I lie in bed thinking that once I go to sleep it will be over in the morning. I know this is a good thing in this case, but It's all part of the same issue that I can't seem to enjoy much anymore without figuring out all the details instead of just letting things come and happen. It's a double edged sword I know to make it so I can enjoy life the way I want, I open myself to the dangers of my depression. I just fear with how things are now, They will only get worse, between figuring out whats going on all the time, the depression, my OCD, and anxiety. I feel like a petri dish of disorders to see what you get. I'm not sure what I expect from this, a solution, sympathy, a resolve. I don't need sympathy, there probably isn't any solution or resolve that will be what I want. I'm just tired of always seeing the reasoning behind things, and not being able to deal with things the way others do, I feel like a genius at times, the ones that see others as so inferior that they aren't worth the time of day, but for me it's opposite, I feel i'm not worth they're time, that they have this ability to live life without breaking apart every little thing and enjoy it. I am envious of them. I wasn't able to even grieve properly as my dad passed away. Everyone was crying and I had to force fake tears just so they wouldn't worry, It wasn't that I wasn't' sad about it, I just knew that he was ill, life is not eternal, all people pass away and there is nothing you can do about it. He is in no more pain, but why couldn't I grieve like everyone else did. instead I stood there pulling tears out so others would feel better, that they thought I was crying. I miss him, I still have dreams where he is around and they are so real, and then I wake and realize it was a dream and go back to bed. I don't know what I expect from this, but I have taken enough of your time with this endless message/rant. Thanks for listening if you made it this far. My apologies.

Andy

[LateBloomer]

You obviously have a lot on your mind.

Frankly, yeah, you sound like you could be manic and compulsive.

I prefer to condense my thoughts into tight brief sentences. I believe that's how we distill our ideas into concentrated messages.

• Try journaling.
  
• But don't rant.
  
• Use a bullet style, like this.
  

Also, counseling might help to focus your anxiety. If you need meds, so be it.

Good luck, keep us posted.

[pellaz]

i tend to be controlling but it has never stopped the bad from rolling in to my life. Maybe it prevented me from making it worse tho.
cheers.

[Rainbowmum]

It's so much awareness of what is going on here it's the importance of self image and how people view you every little action.

I really think you should seek professional help , so you can have the tools you need to combat this.

[azulai]

In future posts would you please break the wall of text with some spacing or as Latebloomer suggested bullets. Thanks.

My father was a manic depressant and from what I know it is genetic, and from my behavior I seem to have some form of it.

Sometimes a little knowledge does more harm than good.

Have you been to a professional and been evaluated? (I really tried to read every word you wrote but it wasn't easy, so I'm sorry if I missed this fact.)

You may be overcompensating for something you THINK you have but in fact you don't at all.

It might be more freeing for you to get an evaluation. You'll know and if you need med.s, give them a chance to work. You can also work with the professional and tell him or her your concerns about medication.

Symptoms of manic depression are caused by biochemical imbalances of hormones, or specific neurotransmitters in the brain. Yes, you may have a genetic predisposition that produces an abundance or shortage of those chemicals. That's where proper med.s come into play and aren't to be dismissed so easily.

On the other hand, you could be generating your own anxiety, and using "control" to overcompensate what you think you may have inherited from your father. You may not have an issue at all. You are making one by self-diagnosing yourself.

So, go see someone. Get some actual answers. Wouldn't it be better to have the facts and live a healthier and happier life?

[cowboy147]

Thank you for your information. I do apologize for the long ramblings, when I do start talking bout stuff it kind of just spills out. You, are right, I do probably need to see someone, and my nerves do make it worse than it probably is. Thanks again for the suggestions and support.

[princealbertofb]

Hello Andy and to GaySpeak. I read at the end of your long post (I agree, please just break it up after you've written a long rant or post, ) that you had lost your father fairly recently. I'm sorry that he had to pass away, when maybe you two still had some things to do, to share, to say to eachother. But as you say, it's life. Therefore you have my condolences.

You are a person who must have put up all kinds of barriers and maybe some professional help, as was suggested, might help you loosen up a bit. It sounds like there is a lot of emotions that you've bottled up inside. Only you know (or maybe don't know) what you've bottled up in there and for what reasons. I'm not surprised that you could not cry (for real) at your father's funeral. Maybe it will come out later. Maybe you had made an inner resolve that you should stay strong when everyone else around you was crumbling and showing their loss. We sometimes erect theses barriers to avoid feeling too much excrutiating pain, a pain that we know or feel would be our downfall.

I believe that little by little, in the months and years to come, your father will come to visit your dreams (daydreams too) just as your way to deal with his passing. I hope the memories of him are fond ones. I have recently lost my mum and I too had these dreams and these fancies that I would tell her something on the phone, just before realising that it can't be. I know though that wherever she is, she is at peace with the world. At least, that's what I like to think.

Good luck with finding that help and maybe a little more inner peace. Have you thought about trying yoga?
PA