It's always a topic when my boyfriend wants to hit the gay club. In the past, I didn't mind him going and I'd drop him off and pick him up. I trusted him and a lot of my friends thought it was a silly thing to leave my boyfriend to go to the club alone.
About a month or two after we started going out, he started ignoring me. He avoided me for a week and I was really upset. I sought sympathy from my only gay friend at the time and he took advantage of the situation and gave me a BJ. I don't blame him, it was my fault. I walked out of his home and went straight to my boyfriend to confess. he was impressed that I'd confessed withing 30 minutes and forgave me. Ever since I've tried to make it up to him.
A year and a half into the relationship, I've come to accept that my boyfriend either loves flirting or enjoys attention from other guys. First we attended a party and he got very comfortable with another guy. Touching and fondling while I was there. I was upset, complained and he apologized. Yesterday I decided to go to the club with him. He was dancing inside and I was in the lounge. When I later went inside to join the fun, I saw him intensely grinding some dude I knew from school and then switched to another guy. As they went on, they started kissing. I walked past him and looked straight into his face and passed.
The kissing went too far. Yes I cheated last year and I apologized. But I don't know what he's been up to in the clubs in the past when I've been absent considering what he's done while I'm around. He's constantly chatting up random guys on his IM and tells me about lots of guys trying to hit on him. He's been a good bf and unless he's been pretending, I believe he does love me back. But I don't know how to handle his actions. He wept while I took him home but said nothing. I wasn't angry and didn't scold him. He's 19 and I'm 23 and sometimes I think he's young and just doesn't think much about his actions.
How do I deal with this situation?
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yes; he is young and dosnt think much about his actions
if you cheated last year and apologized you changed the whole relationship way back them.
if you guys want to stay together still need to talk along the lines what does he need, what is he looking for. From what I read here you need to do the same as well, what do you need more from him. I would go to the club with him next time, keep less of your lives secret under password.
someone here said possibly after initially talking agree to bring the subject up again in a week 5 days time.
i pretend im an expert but not; recently also found my partner cheating on me, i looked at his cell phone w/o his permission. Odd becasue he was always the one telling me not to do this, dont do that, better not cheat...
Dont under estimate the situation and keep a check on your emotions. Good luck to you and me
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I think that the best thing to do is give yourself a few days to cool down. After that, the two of you really need to just sit down and talk about EVERYTHING.
Hopefully you two can work this out! If you ever need an outside opinion when dealing with this, I'll be here. I've been a sort-of similar situation and might be able to help! Good luck...
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I tell you...
Now that I'm out and socializing (but 100% committed to my BF) in a big city with a vibrant gay scene, I'm honestly a little turned off at how EVERY DAY is like Mardi Gras.
Maybe I'm old fashioned.
Maybe I'm just too old.
Maybe I'm an uptight prude.
But the lack of inhibition; the lack of rules; the lack of boundaries in the gay community is a big turn off to me. No wonder so many relationships fail. No wonder everyone is jealous and untrusting.
Sorry to say all this, but a lot of gay guys need to grow the hell UP!
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This is a perfect example of age gaps not making a difference when 2 people around the same age are in a different place in life.
Thats what this seems to come down to. You seem to be settled and content with life, a 'nester' and your boyfriend is still finding his niche and having a bit of fun along the way, a 'Partier'.
You are simply 2 people at different places in your life. Find something that you both enjoy doing together and make that a regular thing between the 2 of you. You can also use this regular thing to 'communicate', you know, have a chat about what you are thinking and feeling, find compromises etc.
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Hello,
I would advise that you and him talk together and sit down and discuss this whole situatioin because as you said his 19 your 23 and your both young... Can i ask if your boyfriend has a very high sex drive? If the answer is yes you may need to perform a bit more as this can help partners not wonder... Flirting in itself is harmless and no different to flirting with a work collegue but its taking adevantage of the situation that can cauise great offence and maybe sitting down with him for a heart to heart chat and play this song Jason Mraz "I wont give up" to him as it may help him actually realise how damn lucky he is to have you and he needs to know he doesnt need any other man in his life because his got someone special already to share his life with.. I would advise that scoring brownie points isnt good either so when you get him alone next give him a big damn hug and a kiss and say bollocks to any form of society and tell him exactly how you feel, tell him you are dead sorry for what happenned in the past and sorry for everything that has occured and would love to spend your life with him..
Have the heaqrt to heart and if possible create a picture of projections in life with him in his mind
kindest regards
Aunty Zeon xx
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Thanks guys I really appreciate the replies. It's been a week now and he came back asking to go to the club again! I saw that he had been chatting up this guy he was kissing now and he said he actually left the messages on his phone so I would see them because he had nothing to hide. The sad thing is that the guy passed some very hurtful comments that my bf failed to react to. An example is saying that he was sure that I was used to seeing my bf kiss other guys. Obviously implying that I was a loser! He said he was sure that I hated him and loved it. And my bf simply couldn't say anything in the messages to put him in his place.
My bf claims he simply cant be rude to people. I've asked that he stays away from the club and a couple of people that I'm not comfortable with and he's agreed. Unfortunately now I have trust issues because apparently he visited the guy he got comfortable with at the party at his house and claims nothing happened. Then he starts chatting up the dude he kissed at the club though he says there's nothing between them. And then he's entertaining some guy in his school who has told him in his face that he likes him and doesn't care that he's in a relationship.
All these stories come in bits and though I could handle them in the past, now it's like I have too many reasons to be insecure. I told him that he could have his space to explore if that's what he needed but he said he wanted to stay with me. He says he won't go to the club again and won't hang out with several of his friends as well. As much as I appreciate all this, I'm scared because it took him about six months to tell me that he went to the dude's house after getting comfortable with him at the party despite the fact that I was very mad at him after the party. I just don't know what he's not telling me. I'm gonna hang in here and hope that he wins back my trust.
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Ok, i'm going to get bashed for what i'm going to post here but perhaps folks will accept this in the spirit in which it's offered.
First off, i'm going to bet that when you 2 first met and hanging out, YOU were the one he was flirting with, and kissing on and grinding with...yes? YOu also stated in your post that you KNOW he's a flirt.
The bottom line is, unless you CATCH him having sex with a guy, you're in an LTR with a guy who LOVES to be the center of attention in a public setting, likes teasing and flirting with guys because it validates him (in his mind) as "desireable" and even more importantly - he's always proving to himself that he COULD have the guy he's flirting with if he wanted - BUT HE DOES NOT WANT THAT GUY!
Your BF lives for the "conquest." A way of proving to himself that he can attract a guy simply based on his actions. Does that make him a cheater? NO! Does it make you uncomfortable? YES. Will he change this behaviour any time soon? PROBABLY NOT!
You knew goign into the LTR that he was a huge flirt and you accepted it. Now, more than a year later, you want to put rules and limits on his time because he's being who he is.
Having a "sit down" and direct conversation really isn't going to change a thing. He'll look you in the face and continue to tell you that he's NOT cheating, that he's just chatting up friends, he'll continue to flirt and kiss guys in the club - but he's ALWAYS coming home with you. If YOU can't deal with this kind of dynamic, i would suggest you break up.
I was in an LTR with a guy VERY MUCH like your BF. When we were alone at home, things were great. When we went to a bar or gay event, he became a different person. FLirting, and doing almost anything he could to get the spotlight on him. It took me a while to adjust to this, but i did. I did because i knew it was part of his personality - not that he wasn't happy with our LTR.
THink long and hard before you start putting restrictions on his life because it will probably backfire.
Simply tell him you understand who he is and what he's like out in clubs, and just tell him that at times, it hurts you when he takes it too far (no matter how fun and innocent he feels it is) - and that all you need a few times a nite is for him to come over to you at the club and openly give you a hug and kiss and let the guys know around him that YOU ARE his BF and that he loves you. Trust me, it can all work out.....unless you start putting "conditions" on him or tell him you don't want him to go to the club!
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