Eating Disorder tearing us apart!!

[Adzz02]

Hey Guys and Girls!

Me and my boyfriend have been together almost 2 years now. A few months back we were close to breaking up however we managed to pull through and things were fine again. However, my boyfriend suffers from Bulemia. He has for at least 3/4 years due to his past. After about 7/8 months of us being together, he had stopped. A few months later, after realising that he had put on a considerable amount of weight, it began again. He recently went on a diet and lost 3 stone... He came off the diet around a month ago and has put on a few pounds again. I constantly tell him I don't care, and that I think he looks gorgeous all the things he wants an needs to hear, but he is still doing it. He has started going to therapy to help him as well.
However, it's starting to tear us apart due to his rapid mood changes. I have on a couple of occasions snapped back due to some harsh words and I know it's wrong and have apologised after, but it doesn't seem to help. When he has a mood change, it's horrible seeing this side and the words such as "it's your fault", "I don't love you and haven't for a while". It really gets to me and I feel it's pushing me away. I do love and care for him so so much and try my hardest to help, but without being him its hard to truly understand what he is going through! And if I was to leave, I would forever feel guilty as he has said (and I saw on the occasion I left before) him self-harming and it feels like its used against me so I could never leave until I know he is 'cured'.
Has anyone got any advice as to how I can handle it? Or do I do as he has said and leave him because he would be "better off without me"?

Thank you x

[princealbertofb]

This is a hard one, Addzie.. First of all, you can probably help by helping him keep to or stick to his diet as much as possible. Make him drink a glass of water before he starts eating to give him the sense of fullness quicker. Learn to eat slowly too as the brain will register food intake only after about 20 minutes. Get him to eat fibre full foods, which retain the water too and don't contain too much starch. Chew your food, or space out servings. Talk. Try not to make comments if he absorbs comfort food, but just don't have it in the house.

I know it's also better to go shopping after you've eaten, not before you've eaten, as you are more tempted to buy the wrong kinds of food in the house if you shop when hungry.

Just consider that when we put on weight, it's our mind's and body's responses to outward aggression, or inward aggression (it's a cushion against / protection layer against the outside, at the same time it's the same self destructive process that results from low self esteem, and a sense of worthlessness). It if weren't so worrying healthwise, it could all be ok, but it is a worry, on more accounts than one.

There are many ways in which you could support this effort, no doubt.

Try to understand what brings on his mood swings. And as soon as you can see them coming on, decide together what you'd better do (if you can do it together) or if it would be better for you to leave him alone to deal with it.

I fear that there is an element of control here. A control you seem to have but he hasn't over himself. It would be so much better if he could control himself and not feel controlled by you. It's only lowering his self esteem. Strangely enough, by saying he'd be better off without you, he knows he's regaining some control over the situation, because, methinks, he knows you'd feel guilty about it.
Am I right?

[Pix]

He really needs to talk about this with his therapist if he isn't already, and maybe you should both get some counseling together. And if therapy has been going on for awhile and it's not helping then maybe it's time for a new therapist.

I've been around enough people with eating disorders to know it's not rational, it's more an obsessive-compulsive disorder. No matter how reasonable you are with him, no matter how many compliments you give him, no matter how good the diet, he is going to see himself a certain way and be bulimic. Bulimia requires professional help.

[Sceak]

When someone is drowning you have to let them drown before rescuing them.

This is because in panic and confusion, a lot of people end up harming or also drowning the lifeguard.

[pellaz]

buy extra fine foods, for what little he eats he will have easy access to the good stuff. if he is not on a diet now make sure you again have lo calorie food that is super nutritious.

you do the shopping for food, include small amounts of cookies and junk food but major portion of the food on had is very good solid stuff. You do the cooking, pack his lunch. you asked and i do this for my partner.

[Adzz02]

Thank you for all the replies! As far as food/diet goes, he has just started back on the 'Cambridge diet' (shakes & soups) for a month to try and loose some weight so food isn't much of an issue. I just don't know of I'm strong enough to keep it together anymore. I love him so much, and it kills me knowing he is suffering, however I can't help but think its because of me and therefore feel as though I shouldn't be in his life I went with him the other day to a session, which helped me to understand it a little more and have read up on the mood changes, but im still struggling!

[pellaz]

try posting on realjock.com, a gay men's exercise forum

hang in there

[zeon]

Hello adam,
I think your boyfriend may need to realise beauty is inside and if you guys were in brighton id be telling u to meet me for a drink in town and he can talk to someone who has self harmed has got scars all over my body and i wont judge his issues... Threapy can help but its the indivudual who needs to help themselves... Tell him to monitor his weight and think what his ideal weight is ... Assure him his perfect no matter what and if he wants to talk confidentially to someone he can creatye a username here and message me ill try to offer some advice for him asnd see how it works...

Kindest regards

Aunty Zeon
Gayspeak Agony Aunt