Shed a little light

[brahsome]

Apologies for the book - but a little unsure of what I've gotten myself into.

Met a guy online - we've been out for drinks, grabbed food and have fooled around a few times. I'm not "out" yet

I asked him to come out for drinks when a friend from work and he declined saying it was sort of a "BF thing" that it was a bit of a tease for him. That what we've got going is a good thing and he doesnt want to push the boundaries and want more. He was under the impression that this was completely casual which he said he's okay with.

Was a little thrown off at first, but decided to go for broke yesterday and ask whether or not he had any interest in taking this further...quite simply because I couldnt gauge his interest. He said his main roadblock is that I'm not out yet - and when I asked if that wasnt really an issue he said he'd hates leaving me hanging but he doesnt know. Said he was really flattered as he hadnt been asked out by a guy in years and didnt want to complicate things....didnt know how to respond to that so I simply said "wing it?" to which he replied "play it by ear. baby steps."

So..is he actually interested? Worth putting in the time or letting it be?

[East]

My first impression after reading this...you have a guy who is honest and values being open and honest and he knows who he is and that is a wonderful combination....

...and not being "out" has a definite set of limitations....basically not being "out" suggests to me there is something "wrong with" or "shameful" about being true to who you are and this might not be a great quality to have in a boyfriend. I wouldn't expose myself to it on a deeper level because I have never been ashamed of who I was and would not knowingly invite someone who was into my psyche for anything other than a casual relationship.

In other words...would he have to "hide" to be potentially in love with you? If he would...you are not ready to love another man.

[pellaz]

first off welcome to gayspeak

both of you guys handled it beyond excellent so i think it is a good sign.

can you be out to yourself... yes, that is all that is important. It is up to you two to go further and dont do it just for him. If you come out it might be a challenge, i dont know your situation, say for example would work prevent you from doing this? And usually there is no going back so be sure its what YOU want to do. take it slow.


i would say stick with it but my view is jaded in that when i first met my partner i was not out completely. Both of you will have to compromise and this will wear on the relationship. you will have to eventually come out to yourself and or others and this process will be a lot of work for him. I was previously in a straight relationship and felt it odd not to hold hands and such in public. It is an expression; i am proud to be with my lover. Better to have people judge you for who you are rather than rumor and innuendo.

[dfiant]

It does sound positive but I agree with Albert.

I would hesitate pursuing a relationship with a guy that is still in the closet as it does put limitations on how far a relationship can go, and that in turn can put stress on a relationship.

2 people need to be in the same place...the same head space...before a relationship can work.

[brahsome]

Yeah - the coming out thing isnt a really big issue to me...pursuing a guy was never something that had ever come to mind before. There's no shame on my end, so I'm open to being out to people. Originally I thought it would take the fun out of it...not being as "rebellious"...if that makes sense. But I've told a few people to scope it out and it seems no different! The reactions are quite enjoyable haha

But completely agree, if anything were to happen, I wouldn't want to put restrictions on somebody else. Just wouldnt be fair. So it is something I'm open to doing, but he's hard to read and I want to make sure he's interested before I make such a big move....and usually I can read people really easily - its a little intriguing that I can't with this one!

[dfiant]

Be bold, take a chance...ask him up front and sit down and have a good chat with him and let him know what you are thinking....he probably thinks you are hard to read too

[Sylph]

Be bold, take a chance...ask him up front and sit down and have a good chat with him and let him know what you are thinking....he probably thinks you are hard to read too

I agree with Daddy :biggrin: .

The problem most people have it seems, in forming a relationship, is the knowing what the other person wants/is capable of/likes & dislikes and so on.

I'm in no position to advise, as I'm currently BF-less, and also I have this same issue, but I personally believe some people just think too much, and usually about nothing/for no reason.

I have a tendency to over think things sometimes, going far deeper than I really have to or should. Sometimes, it's best to just let things happen naturally and organically, because sometimes, the more you think about things, the more counter-productive you end up being toward your own plight.

Who knows, you may even like each other so much, you might "come out" for him.

It's best to just be yourselves and not let your head get inbetween the both of you[I mean the thinking head! :eek: lol], cause sometimes and as sappy as it sounds, the heart knows what the heart wants, regardless of the mind, although I like to personally listen sometimes, just for reassurance .

Just throw caution... or some caution to the wind and get to know him and let him know you. Then you can worry whether or not you feel comfortable coming out, but you might want to think about that very carefully and with trepidation. There are repercussion you may or may not be ready for and you have to know if you can handle them or not and he, as a fellow queer and probably ex-clostee himself, should be able to understand and atleast allow you to come to terms with it.

And if all else, you may end up with a special friend mile:

Good luck!

[brahsome]

the whole coming out thing isnt really a big deal to me - im surrounded by people that would welcome it and the few that i have told have been really happy for me.

my only thing is i cant tell if he's interested in me. when we first started talking, i was in the position of receiving initial messages, having the conversations started...and its seem to be reversed now. i seem to be the one initiating conversations - we both have busy schedules so we havent really gotten to see a lot of eachother...but it seems like theres a bit of distance now.

i decided to give it a break for the day and not initiate a conversation today and i've heard nothing from him at all. its becoming tiring figuring out if this is a "hard to get" tactic or if he's genuinely losing interest.

not sure what to do at this stage - other than to just let it be. But again, I'm new to this whole thing so I dont want to what to make of any of it.

[brahsome]

thank you for all your input ...i think i did get my answer, but still not a straight forward one.

we went and grabbed coffee yesterday - its the first time we've seen eachother in over a week...i think it went well. i told him that i tested the waters last week and came out to a few people..felt good. he even said that he was going out tonight and might fire me a text if "stuff is so crazy that you just have to be there"....which I took as a positive sign, provided he wanted me to join him and his friends.

still couldnt shake the feeling so i asked point blank this morning - that im not sure if im just being neurotic but i was sensing that he had lost interest..that im no good at reading between the lines...and was this accurate.

he responded with "Nope. I've definitely been putting out vibes somewhere in the family of "not interested" I'm just a little taken back, my last real bf was more than two years ago. I'm a little rusty."

...I didnt know how to respond so i just said that I'm not a big dater and have never had to pursue anyone. Getting mixed signals and didnt know what to make of it.

He hasnt responded yet (hes at work) - but this is where my frustration stems from. That I cant get a straight forward answer, every response always leaves an "if" or a possibility.

Thoughts?