At a crossroads in life?

[GayFratguy]

Ok, i'm about to go in-depth with my story.

I struggled with my sexuality for years. When I entered my senior year of high school, I couldn't deny how I felt about other males, so I figured I was bisexual. I held on to this label for all of my freshman year in college.

I also joined a fraternity my first semester at college (big mistake) because I thought i'd help get me laid with some girls. I don't know why I thought this, but I figured if I had sex with a woman that my feelings for guys would become irrelevant.

Once that summer hit, I really began to question my sexuality again. I hadn't had any luck with girls at school and I began to wonder if that's because I wasn't sure about my feelings for them. One day at leaving the gym, I saw our track team running outside and couldn't take my eyes off their bodies. That's when I really knew then and there that my feelings for other guys were clear. My confusion about girls wasn't confusion at all. I just wasn't attracted to them. I wasn't bisexual.

I was gay.

After struggling with this for a few months, once my birthday rolled around in August I decided to come out to my fraternity brothers. Things went very smooth for the most part, but they still were college-aged males who for the most part don't even KNOW any gay people besides me. I'll spare the details, but its been a year since then and i'm out to every single one of them.

They say really homophobic things at times and I don't know if I should take this personal or is it just how guys talk? I ended up hanging with some different people my currently past Spring semester at school and I hit it off with them. They're cool, very accepting of my sexuality and even inquire about it. They try to help me get guys and I feel very normal around them. This has never been this case with my fraternity brothers. Sometimes they are openly homophobic to me directly out of anger or humor.

I don't find this funny and I feel very disrespected. Naturally, the smart thing to do would be to leave this fraternity, but if I leave people will wonder why I defected. I don't want any bad blood to fall on the fraternity because not all of them are this way and some of them are extremely tolerant. I even feel like leaving would be a slap in the face of the brothers who defended me.

I'll be starting my Junior year soon and i've taken a leave of absence so I may focus on my grades. However, I have a feeling they will want me to be active again this semester and I don't know if I should or shouldn't. I really should focus on school and hang with these other friends, but I am very emotionally attached?

What do you think I should do?

[TLC1970JAN]

1st a little tidbit... according to a Cambridge study, most homophobic people are either gay or bi. These folks who ridicule you are the folks that will be coming out after 40 wondering what they missed (no offense to anyone, that's life).

At this point in your life, your studies are most important to ground your future. You obviously have a choice of who you are going to hang out with, so, hang out with those people you can be yourself with.

Remember this, you can only count your "real" friends on one hand, anyone else is an acquaintance.

Best wishes!

[dfiant]

I was gay.

When you can say 'I AM gay' you will be in a better place

They say really homophobic things at times and I don't know if I should take this personal or is it just how guys talk?

If it bothers you, OWN it. If if bother you that someone says 'poofter', then say if before THEY say it, then you OWN the word and they KNOW it doesn't hurt you.

I'm not saying pootfer, queer, faggot, fudge packer ETC are good words/phrases...I am saying if you own them then they can't be used AGAINST you

[pellaz]

boy to man:
teens are very reluctant for change; why?; because they are experiencing so much right than in their lives. You cant get into a fist fight every time someone calls you a fag, dont wast your bandwidth. In college its all about being the better self. Embrace change your life again. Contact a campus lgbt outreach organization, friends, family for advice on more affirmative housing. Move out worst case.

[archubbycub]

When you can say 'I AM gay' you will be in a better place

Truer words have never been spoken. And after 20+ years of trying to "make it go away" I think I can say that confidently!

[azulai]

Just so you know, I prefer GSA over frats. mile: But, I won't hold it against you. :tongue:
You may have to correct me if I'm making any assumptions below. Please feel free.

I was trying to brain storm some things that might help you answer your own question. I'm trying to give you some objective points to think about since you say you are emotionally attached.

>Are these guys making only homophobic jokes that bother you OR do they also make racist comments/jokes? The reason I'm asking is, you are wondering if you should take their remarks personally. So make a comparison on how they talk about all minority groups/ethnicities/marginalized persons. That will give you a better idea of the "setting" you are in.

>My understanding of frats is this is a brotherhood. While you are tolerated, do you truly have brotherhood? It seems like a few support you, but most of your "brothers" don't. So as you are considering staying and not wanting to leave as it is a "slap in the face" to your brothers or might poorly reflect on your fraternity, you do have to consider whether YOU are getting the 100% support that should be your due.

>Would they have bid you if you were openly gay to start? Based on your answer, how does that sit with you?

>Mostly I hear about the connections you make being part of a frat through alumni and your brothers for the future (business and job opportunities). Being an out gay brother, do you think you will receive these future contact benefits or will you be pretty much ostracized?

>Will you one day want to take a partner to Homecoming or an alumni event? Will you and he be welcomed?

So, I don't know how to advise you but I will say being out in college has been fun for me. I actually prefer meeting more diverse people through the GSA. My group of friends sounds more like your new group. It's mixed het and homo and very relaxed. I don't know about you, but my uni time is flying by. Do you want a few sincere friends who know you and take an active interest in your life or "brothers" who are kind of stuck with you based on a pledge but who may never give an actual fuck about you, you bf or your future life?

>I don't know what your major is but I honestly would focus on grades, especially if you are a junior, and making yourself marketable. You need to weigh your career goals against loyalty to this fraternity which may not have your back.

Best wishes!

[GayFratguy]

Wow Azulai. You make a lot of good points.

I wonder if I would have had a bid if they knew from the start? And my future really is the most important. I guess the choice is pretty clear.

[azulai]

Hey, FratGuy.
Well, I was just trying to brainstorm with you. I hope it helps some. Have you talked to any of them this summer?

[ESLteacher]

Boys will be boys! Just ignore the uneducated comments that are made by your peers and live each day to its fullest!

[ChadCoxRox]

The "return" is the perfect time to inquire directly of your brothers if you should seriously consider a return based on the issues you've had previously. If they want you to serve, WHY given your experience and treatment? Is it an opportunity for all of you to grow and mature with this important piece of life without it being TOO all-encompassing? I'd say/ask all these things right straight out like the man the fraternity promotes becoming. And I'd NEVER commit to a return without a majority consensus. Life's too short and all the negative aspects you describe if you leave may be the very impetus needed for that fraternity to evolve.