bryandurel Wrote:"Hi Dad! Are you using lube?"
:redface:
The old adage goes, treat others as you would like to be treated, and it still holds true... Has you dad ever asked you this question? Think about how you'd like your mum and dad to ask you if you were being safe.... then you've got it.  mile:
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bryandurel Wrote:I don't know if astrology is relevant here but he's very Piscean. He has a very emotional aspect of his personality and I think there's a lot he needs to get over - My aunt said they had a tough childhood but I never really did ask why. I might call up my aunt and ask her.
You might also want to ask him directly, maybe with some prompts from your aunt? Well of course he'll have had a difficult time growing up if he was taunted for being gay, or perceived gay. It was (and still is sometimes) difficult to come to terms with what society expects or expected of us as grown up men. Depending on his religious education and beliefs etc... this could have been a very difficult part of growing up.
We haven't asked you Bryan, but what's your story of being gay and coming out? Are you an only child or are there brothers and sisters? What's your position in the family? Have you now got nephews and nieces?
Astrologically I think Pisceans are very intuitive, very much idealists and believe in a higher good and improvements on life (utopians), and when they are depressed they can go quite low, but generally rebound quite dramatically and surprisingly quickly. Is that what you've noticed about your dad?
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Most people thought I was an introvert since I was an only child and I've always been more of a book worm than anything else. I actually had no "sexual" interests till I was 14 or so and as I slowly started to realize I was gay around then (but still confused). When I was 17, I visited a a gay erotic book store and struck up a nice friendship with an older man who basically helped me realize where I was going in life (nothing sexual). I never met him again after that as I moved away and went to college.
When I came out slowly, it wasnt a big surprise to anyone and my mom's first reaction was 'I knew it. Love you anyway!'
princealbertofb Wrote:You might also want to ask him directly, maybe with some prompts from your aunt? Well of course he'll have had a difficult time growing up if he was taunted for being gay, or perceived gay. It was (and still is sometimes) difficult to come to terms with what society expects or expected of us as grown up men. Depending on his religious education and beliefs etc... this could have been a very difficult part of growing up.
We haven't asked you Bryan, but what's your story of being gay and coming out? Are you an only child or are there brothers and sisters? What's your position in the family? Have you now got nephews and nieces?
Astrologically I think Pisceans are very intuitive, very much idealists and believe in a higher good and improvements on life (utopians), and when they are depressed they can go quite low, but generally rebound quite dramatically and surprisingly quickly. Is that what you've noticed about your dad?
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Bryan, your mum's a darling... :biggrin:
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She's the best ever!
princealbertofb Wrote:Bryan, your mum's a darling... :biggrin:
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matty7 Wrote:i agree with the Aerrow, but a couple of your points bugged me mate - as for calling him out on it ! hes's in his 50s and has earnt the right not to answer to anyone ,,, and as for unhealthy lifestyle !! .. im sure he's heard of condoms !!! and as for tell him to make himself civilized ,,,that just made me shake my head ,,, he has one life and i hope he does what the hell he wants,, safely obviously ,
Sorry for interrupting, but Maty meant by unhealthy lifestyle the fact of not being emotionally stable and not the fact of STD coz his father surely did hear about condoms.
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I suppose an update is due...
My aunt and I talked and apparently my dad is insular (from her point of view) because a neighbor used to physically (not sexually) abuse him.
It went on for about six months and when he was 8 and according to her he's been a 'locked box' ever since. She still loves him but even she hasnt been able to get through to him since their teens and she's his twin.
Also my dad said the other night... 'maybe this gay stuff isn't for me. at least not full time'.
I'm not sure how to deal with that :/
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bryandurel Wrote:I suppose an update is due...
My aunt and I talked and apparently my dad is insular (from her point of view) because a neighbor used to physically (not sexually) abuse him.
It went on for about six months and when he was 8 and according to her he's been a 'locked box' ever since. She still loves him but even she hasnt been able to get through to him since their teens and she's his twin.
Also my dad said the other night... 'maybe this gay stuff isn't for me. at least not full time'.
I'm not sure how to deal with that :/
Maybe he needs a bit more stability in his life. It could also be that now he's sampled the goods, he needs to take a step back and think about it. The ''gay lifestyle'', as so many call it, can be taxing on the ego and self esteem, especially if you are still on the prowl. I'd say this is no way to find the stability he is probably craving.
If you can talk to him, some day, just question him about where he sees his life going in the future. The greatest fear for a gay man would be to become unattractive (therefore growing old is a great threat to that self esteem), and be the loneliest person on earth. This is something that is maybe more accutely felt in the gay community than in the straight community, although, quite honestly, it really depends a lot on your social network(s). Your dad probably needs to have more friends and fewer hook-ups.
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Ok, i'm 51! I was also married to a woman for 12 years (dated 5 before that) and have a 22 year old son, so i think i have a unique perspective on this issue.
First off, I think your dad is coming to truely understand what it means to be a gay man - even in 2012. I think right now he's suffering from the "I thought the grass would be greener" syndrome. For decades he lived a lie being married to a woman and even tho he knew that, he became VERY comfortable with the costume he was wearing. ANd now, he's actually having to LIVE a new and different life in a community he only saw from afar, with rose-colored glasses, and a twisted perception of what he thought he was "missing" by pretending to be str8.
Ok, so now what? to be honest, i think you have an opportunity to step up and help your dad - by talking and listening to him. His comment about "maybe this gay stuff isn't for me" is actually very telling. If i were you, i'd say something like, "Dad, what woman do you think is going to meet/date a 50 year old man who divorced his wife of 25 years because he was gay and now isn't sure he's gay." And, i'm sure your mom's not gonna put her heart back on the line after what he put her and the family thru!
Your dad's also coming to understand (and is probably kicking himself in retrospect) that the gay community is very segmented - and mostly based on age. He's a 50 year old newly-out gay man who thougght that coming out would provide him a never-ending supply of single men (like him) who were looking for love and sex. Well, he's probably finding out that the "supply" isn't really all the big and that there are alot of younger gay men who aren't attracted to 50 year old men. So he's probably very lonely and a bit depressed that he made the wrong decision. But he didn't decide to be gay, he decided to stop living a lie ....and it's going to take a year or two (and i woudl tell him that) to adjust to being a gay man. ANd, that if he's only going to focus on finding a "boyfriend" or even occasional sex, he's going to be really disappointed. He needs time! He needs to get involved in the gay community and meet guys socially - not only sexually. He needs to find the NEW HIM and really come to embrace that new person he's been hiding for years.
he's NOT going to just move from a hetrosexual LTR to a gay LTR in a matter of days/weeks/months. That's what it sounds like is eating him - that while NSA sex can be pretty easy to find (at any age), finding an emotional support system takes time - and that's what he should focus on.
Oh, and while it feels good to post comments about "safe sex" and such, please, don't talk to your dad about safer sex, NSA sex, condomes, etc. He's an adult and knows how to protect himself. Focus on helping him become more comfortable in who he is - not who he's sleeping with.
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