My dad came out a few years ago and he is in his 50s.
It ended his marriage but he's accepted who he is and is moving on. I think he's happy but he isn't OUT OUT!
He has a lot of secretive relationships - he doesn't talk about them. I've never seen him go out with the same person more than twice. Is there someone on this forum who came out much later in their life and could give me some advice on how to help him deal with things?
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I cant help from the older veiw. But if i were his son and saw my dad pulling men outta his you-know-what every week, i would have already called him out on it, ESPECIALLY if i myself am gay! Its an unhealthy lifestyle. Demand he make himself civilized and tell him to settle down with someone.
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Well you have to realize a few things.
1. He comes from an earlier generation than yours.
As part of his generation I can testify to how different and tolerant things are compared to yesteryear. You had it a bit easier, kids (teens/20-somethings) have it hella easy compared to 25-30 years ago. Back when I was in my 20's gays were being fired when it was found out they were gay, and they were fired for being 'sicko/perverted nut-jobs). Unlike today where the boss has to be creative to get rid of his homosexuals. There was no gay marriage anywhere. It just wasn't done. In my teens gays were still being arrested for things like Sodomy. The Stonewall Riots took place when I was 3, not much of an impression on me, but the fall out of that went on for a long time and I did grow up in a world were gays were being noticed and openly commented upon.
I knew guys back when I was a kid who had gone through electroshock therapy to 'treat' their homosexuality. Of course that was still the era when 10 thousand volts could fix anything.
All of this has a huge impact on how I view LGBT and the world. When I registered with my partner as a Domestic Partner, something in the back of my mind screamed 'Now they know, now when they round us up you will be easy to find!' Kids 10-20 years younger than me won't have that little screaming voice because they didn't grow up in a world were gays were rounded up/arrested/put through electroshock therapy.
2. He also spent an appreciable part of his adult life 'sneaking' and 'hiding'. Those are some very old habits that have become seriously ingrained and will not break easily.
"Hiding" has become second nature. I have to wonder if there wasn't a bit of gay sex on the side when he was married. IF so then sneaking it, expecting gay sex to be nothing but a one night stand is going to be programed there inside of him.
3. He is 50. Birth years that end with a zero tend to have some crippling consequences for the mind. 30, 40, 50, 60... These are 'huge numbers' that play tricks on the mind. My ballsack tightens up when I consider than in only 4 more years I will hit 50. We all do some crazy crap at the big Zero years (or near/around them) in attempt to recapture our youth, in an attempt to convince ourselves that we are not really that old.
4. Regrets (we all have a few). He most likely is trying to recapture his missed 20's. A lot of guys who come out late feel like they cheated themselves out of something by not coming out sooner, so for a while they do crazy crap attempting to be a 20 something year old and attempting to connect with what they think they missed out on.
5. Incidentals: This varies from person to person and their life experiences. Does he have a bit of the Peter Pan complex where he doesn't want to grow up? Then he will be hit harder by the 50 and the regrets. Does he have problems with relationships in general? If so then he may find that one night stands is his best 'option' and 'safest' when it comes to the heart. There are many other things I could list under this.
He most likely isn't even aware of all of the 'stuff' on his plate and why he is doing what he is doing. Most people who have 'unhealthy behaviors' are not even aware that those behaviors are unhealthy.
I fear he is on his own road of self discovery and pretty much anything you do to point out that he is putting himself at risk or that he is harming himself is going to be seen as an accusation not as a healthy hint.
About the best thing you can do is buy him a family sized box of condoms, hand them over to him and tell him you know he plays, but you care about him and want him to remain safe.
The rest will sort itself, or not. Its all part of the things he and only he can change.
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ManicLewis21 Wrote:I cant help from the older veiw. But if i were his son and saw my dad pulling men outta his you-know-what every week, i would have already called him out on it, ESPECIALLY if i myself am gay! Its an unhealthy lifestyle. Demand he make himself civilized and tell him to settle down with someone.
i agree with the Aerrow, but a couple of your points bugged me mate - as for calling him out on it ! hes's in his 50s and has earnt the right not to answer to anyone ,,, and as for unhealthy lifestyle !! .. im sure he's heard of condoms !!! and as for tell him to make himself civilized ,,,that just made me shake my head ,,, he has one life and i hope he does what the hell he wants,, safely obviously ,
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i agree Pallez mate - but at a certain age u undertand the risks and can make your own choices,, your family are no longer reliant on you and if you want to live like your 20 again ,,,as u actually wanted to !! then i he should be allowed to go for it - im sure as his son he will listen to you and discuss it as to gay guys although a bit unconventional as its dad n son
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I don't know Bryan, what makes you think that your dad needs you to sort things out? What makes you think that he's not enjoying seeing different people? Maybe he's not ready to commit himself to one person yet, if that's what you are alluding to. So, unless your dad looks unhappy about it, you need to give him time, or accept that his new lifestyle is a very different sort from what he had when he was with your mum.
Maybe your father just doesn't want to embarrass you, and so he keeps it as private as he can. Well, I reckon we can say that he's not keeping his secrets very well, or you are trespassing on his private life more than you should be, maybe.
Obviously, since you are trying to get to know him better, you are getting the impression that he's sneaking around with all his 'affairs'. Maybe you two should just have a good talk about it. I get the impression that you are annoyed with him for some reason, but that the reason has not been clearly stated. Are you getting the impression that he's a slut? Do you have the impression that he's being careless? That he's not taking healthy precautions? For the moment, you aren't your father's father (that may well happen some day, bear it in mind). So as an adult, can't he make his own decisions? How does it reflect upon your life and affect the rest of your family, in fact?
I think that when a man's felt bridled all his life in a straight relationship that was not meant for him, once free of the prison it was, it's a bit like being a child in a candy shop. He'll either get over it, or maybe never settle for a sedate life again, because he's making up for what he figures was wasted time. Neither he, nor you, nor anyone else is getting any younger, right? Maybe his clock is just ticking a bit more imperatively than yours is?
I'm not saying, however that you shouldn't air your views and concerns to him, if there are any points that will make a difference, but, I really don't think there's any way in which you can make him change his habits if he has no desire to do so. Maybe all you need is a few explanations. Maybe he'll explain to you that he still hasn't found the slipper that fits his foot? Who knows?
Good luck with broaching the subject with him. I've found that sending a letter, a card or an e-mail stating concern (and love) make a wonderful opportunity to get a discussion going. But please, don't accuse, just tell him how you, and others feel, and if possible why you feel this way, why it matters to you, why you care. Then maybe you can ask a few questions. There's no guarantee that he'll answer your questions, but generally, if fathers care for us, they like to square things out.
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ManicLewis21 Wrote:I cant help from the older view. But if i were his son and saw my dad pulling men outta his you-know-what every week, i would have already called him out on it, ESPECIALLY if i myself am gay! It's an unhealthy lifestyle. Demand he make himself civilized and tell him to settle down with someone.
Much as I understand your point of view, Lewis, I don't think we are in a position to demand anything of our parents, except their love and support, really... and even that's not a given. After all, if they keep on treating us normally as their offspring, who are we to judge where their love relationships are going?
What do you consider unhealthy? Would it be healthier, for example for him to go without sex and without relationships? If he were lonely and sad, then I'd worry. Is that the case? Apparently not. Or at least, Bryan has not said so.
It'll be complicated enough once Bryan's father has settled, if the person he settles for doesn't appeal to the rest of the family, right?
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Interesting discussion so far.
As someone who came out relatively late in life after being married and having kids, I completely get your dads situation.
For him being out is such a liberating experience after so many years of playing it straight. Whether he had same sex encounters while married or not is irrelevant. The fact is the casual sexual pickup is the only real experience he's had so far, so he's comfortable doing it and he probably knows where to get it.
He's also probably more aware of the sexually transmitted disease challenges that he's exposing himself to than you are.
I'm the same age as him. We, and guys in our age range, have lived through the onset of HIV, seen the effects it has on people (straight or gay) and importantly received more public education on the subject than probably anyone under 30 on this forum. We have also been in a relationship with someone we love and were very conscious of what unprotected sex could bring to that relationship. Being older, gay and sexually active doesn't make you stupid!
As for calling him out on it as some have suggested, you have absolutely no right to do that. In fact what business is it of anyone who he sleeps with, and how often he sleeps with them? They are consenting adults.. He definitely doesn't need to be called out from someone who doesn't understand what he's had to endure and gone through for all the years he was closeted.
If you do decide to call him out on it, you better be ready to seriously hurt the father - son relationship you have now.
He needs your friendship and support, not criticism however well meaning it may be.
Have you actually tried to sit down and talk to him about everything he's been through all those years? As a young gay man, quite frankly you've never had it so good. Maybe you should sit down and have a real talk about what being gay actually meant 20/30 years ago. Then you may get an insight to why he does what he does, and maybe you will understand and respect the choices hes making today rather than criticise him because his actions don't conform to your choices or view of what being a gay man should be in the 21st century.
Apologies if this seems harsh, but I'm OlderButWiser for a reason!
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