07-22-2012, 09:56 PM
I never thought it was bad.
I do recall thinking it was strange that boys at school (plus a few men after girls at school) wanted to have sex more than anything but both boys AND girls who did have sex with them were often treated horribly by them as gays/pussies and sluts (not to say everyone called such things were)....it struck me as mind boggling stupid (why insult what you want so much? :confused: ) and even in middle school I wondered why everyone didn't tell horny boys to go to hell (granted, more than a few DID).
I'm not sure when I became aware there were gay people. The best I can recall is that I was watching The Simpsons and The Critic when I was like 10-11 years old when they referenced gay people and I knew what they were talking about. I just shrugged it off as part of the silliness but I believe I was vaguely aware such people existed...maybe I had some subconscious awareness even then that I was (someone I knew saw The Little Mermaid the same age as I did, which would be 7, and she said she knew right then she was gay and wanted to marry Ariel while I didn't feel any crushes at all and what I recall being more fascinated by the wicked witch angle, but all the same her realization then makes me wonder if I didn't have a dim awareness at the time myself).
When I was 13 I was locked in an abusive teen gulag that passed itself off as a mental hospital and one evil man liked to mock kids who admitted to being sexually abused as wanting it, including in calling boys who had been molested "faggots." I didn't see the term offensive at all, just realized that he meant it that way.
I ended up fooling around with my best friend (another girl) in my early teen years though I didn't think of us as gay (I just didn't think about it at all, I saw it as just affection that went a little further than most). At 15 some nasty cheerleaders ruined some girls by making them appear as lesbians (which I didn't believe) and when my BFF joined in the taunting I asked her what was up with that and how could she show them contempt when WE were having sex (which hurt my feelings). She said what we did "didn't count" as we were "just practicing [for boys]." It was my first experience with direct homophobia (as opposed to calling boys gays just to insult them or to mock them for having been sexually abused by a man) and I hated it...but I saw the homophobia and bullying as bad, not being gay.
The very first time I met people who I knew were openly gay was when I was a 15-year-old runaway when I not only met kids who ran away or were even kicked out of their home for being gay (some fleeing brutal "therapy") but also gathering in a gay area of Houston. Because the gay kids (including a lesbian *) were in the same boat as us I was inclined to see them sympathetically and no different than the couple who joined us because their families wouldn't let them be together over racial differences (one white, one black). One gay boy had a much older boyfriend that we called "Sissy" as he was so feminine (didn't look it, other than being so small, but definitely acted & sounded it) and he was one of the sweetest guys I ever met and listening to him with the gay boy (who I think was 18 by then but may have been as young as 17) my heart soared for them. And I remember being comfortable around adult lesbians because they didn't pressure me at all (they were most likely to ignore me) while keeping predatory males away which was a relief.
(*I was friends with one skingirl who had a skinhead boyfriend who beat her. I asked her once why she hung with the skinheads as they seemed to be such jerks and she said, "Gotta stick to your own color" and when I pointed out the bruises on her face and said, "With friends like that, who needs enemies?" I inspired her to rethink her life. I didn't know it for awhile and was confronted by 3 skins who accused me of turning her into a "lesbian wigger." I was confused but confrontational and that's another story, but what I found out is that she got sick of being abused and left them...and somehow met a black woman who left her own gang--one that hated white people--for pretty much the same reason and they said to hell with men and became lesbian lovers.
Because our krew was the only gay friendly one and one of the very rare racially mixed and the skingirl was 16, don't know the age of the black girl, they ended up joining our krew and I found the irony of it hilarious but was very supportive and glad to have them. ETA: For clarification, they were IN ADDITION to a lesbian member.)
The following year I was back in school the cheerleaders I already mentioned tried making me out to be a lesbian. It didn't work as I didn't care. And when they tried to make a friend of mine leave me they asked her if we were lesbian lovers. We both turned to each other and pretended to kiss to show how little we thought of them, and it worked, they never bothered us again.
Within a few months of that I fully realized I was attracted more to girls than guys, though I kept my options open and counted myself as bi for a couple of years before coming out as full lesbian (or "blesbian" at first, meaning "bi curious lesbian"). And I felt no discomfort, it was just realization.
I actually felt self-doubt when I posted to a YT vid on why Dark Willow would beat Darth Vader in a fight and realized right after that I was undeniably a geek. But even then I think I made peace with that in like 30 seconds. :redface: Which is to say realizing I was a geek was more challenging to me than realizing I was gay.
I do recall thinking it was strange that boys at school (plus a few men after girls at school) wanted to have sex more than anything but both boys AND girls who did have sex with them were often treated horribly by them as gays/pussies and sluts (not to say everyone called such things were)....it struck me as mind boggling stupid (why insult what you want so much? :confused: ) and even in middle school I wondered why everyone didn't tell horny boys to go to hell (granted, more than a few DID).
I'm not sure when I became aware there were gay people. The best I can recall is that I was watching The Simpsons and The Critic when I was like 10-11 years old when they referenced gay people and I knew what they were talking about. I just shrugged it off as part of the silliness but I believe I was vaguely aware such people existed...maybe I had some subconscious awareness even then that I was (someone I knew saw The Little Mermaid the same age as I did, which would be 7, and she said she knew right then she was gay and wanted to marry Ariel while I didn't feel any crushes at all and what I recall being more fascinated by the wicked witch angle, but all the same her realization then makes me wonder if I didn't have a dim awareness at the time myself).
When I was 13 I was locked in an abusive teen gulag that passed itself off as a mental hospital and one evil man liked to mock kids who admitted to being sexually abused as wanting it, including in calling boys who had been molested "faggots." I didn't see the term offensive at all, just realized that he meant it that way.
I ended up fooling around with my best friend (another girl) in my early teen years though I didn't think of us as gay (I just didn't think about it at all, I saw it as just affection that went a little further than most). At 15 some nasty cheerleaders ruined some girls by making them appear as lesbians (which I didn't believe) and when my BFF joined in the taunting I asked her what was up with that and how could she show them contempt when WE were having sex (which hurt my feelings). She said what we did "didn't count" as we were "just practicing [for boys]." It was my first experience with direct homophobia (as opposed to calling boys gays just to insult them or to mock them for having been sexually abused by a man) and I hated it...but I saw the homophobia and bullying as bad, not being gay.
The very first time I met people who I knew were openly gay was when I was a 15-year-old runaway when I not only met kids who ran away or were even kicked out of their home for being gay (some fleeing brutal "therapy") but also gathering in a gay area of Houston. Because the gay kids (including a lesbian *) were in the same boat as us I was inclined to see them sympathetically and no different than the couple who joined us because their families wouldn't let them be together over racial differences (one white, one black). One gay boy had a much older boyfriend that we called "Sissy" as he was so feminine (didn't look it, other than being so small, but definitely acted & sounded it) and he was one of the sweetest guys I ever met and listening to him with the gay boy (who I think was 18 by then but may have been as young as 17) my heart soared for them. And I remember being comfortable around adult lesbians because they didn't pressure me at all (they were most likely to ignore me) while keeping predatory males away which was a relief.
(*I was friends with one skingirl who had a skinhead boyfriend who beat her. I asked her once why she hung with the skinheads as they seemed to be such jerks and she said, "Gotta stick to your own color" and when I pointed out the bruises on her face and said, "With friends like that, who needs enemies?" I inspired her to rethink her life. I didn't know it for awhile and was confronted by 3 skins who accused me of turning her into a "lesbian wigger." I was confused but confrontational and that's another story, but what I found out is that she got sick of being abused and left them...and somehow met a black woman who left her own gang--one that hated white people--for pretty much the same reason and they said to hell with men and became lesbian lovers.
Because our krew was the only gay friendly one and one of the very rare racially mixed and the skingirl was 16, don't know the age of the black girl, they ended up joining our krew and I found the irony of it hilarious but was very supportive and glad to have them. ETA: For clarification, they were IN ADDITION to a lesbian member.)The following year I was back in school the cheerleaders I already mentioned tried making me out to be a lesbian. It didn't work as I didn't care. And when they tried to make a friend of mine leave me they asked her if we were lesbian lovers. We both turned to each other and pretended to kiss to show how little we thought of them, and it worked, they never bothered us again.
Within a few months of that I fully realized I was attracted more to girls than guys, though I kept my options open and counted myself as bi for a couple of years before coming out as full lesbian (or "blesbian" at first, meaning "bi curious lesbian"). And I felt no discomfort, it was just realization.
I actually felt self-doubt when I posted to a YT vid on why Dark Willow would beat Darth Vader in a fight and realized right after that I was undeniably a geek. But even then I think I made peace with that in like 30 seconds. :redface: Which is to say realizing I was a geek was more challenging to me than realizing I was gay.
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