Ex coming back to "haunt" me, current bf doesn't like it

[Mike]

I've been going out with this sweetest guy, who's becoming really important to me. We've being dating for 3.5 months.

My ex of two years has a problem and he's been calling me lately, looking for a place to vent.

This ex used to be really important to me. We shared a life together and were practically inseparable. He knows me better than anyone else.

We broke things off after constantly being at each others' throats. We were very much in love, when we decided to split up. We managed to remain best friends for about a year, after a 6 months break. This friendship came into a halt, when I was informed he had a new boyfriend. I just couldn't handle it and that's when I put a stop to it.

Anyway, this sweetest guy I've been dating is having a problem with us talking on the phone. I've told him I'm not the kind of guy who'd desert his friends, when in need, but he's just too insecure to listen.

The thing is – I am not so sure my sweetheart is totally off the mark, being insecure. I adore him, I really do. I am totally in love with him (my current boyfriend), but I'm also quite a sucker when it comes to nostalgia.

I can't tell him to stop calling, when he's so sad and frustrated. He tells me he doesn't want to come between us and I believe him.

What should I do?

[pellaz]

I can't tell him to stop calling, when he's so sad and frustrated

it would take me 10 minutes to get the job done.

your new boy friend is doing you a fav and you dont know it. Its not like you and your X didnt try very hard to keep your previous relationship going. It failed for reasons that still exist and if you restart the relationship you two will continue to fight. Dont look back, call your X and sever all connections.

your new boy friend is not being un reasonable, you are at fault. let him know you called the X and handled it. Put all your emphases on the new man and good luck.

[East]

I am still friends with all my exes except for one ...I am a friggin loyal friend (It's a Leo trait you know) :biggrin: ....so you have to explain to your new lover that it is important to overcome his insecurity and explain to your old lover that you might have to cut back your conversations for awhile because usually when you ask for something you need to give something because relationships are all about compromise....since your ex and you genuinely like each other he should be able to understand that when he needs to speak with you...save it up for the next time so he can cut the phone calls in half. Whatever you do...don't agree to not talk to your ex because having to give up your friends to appease someone's insecurity for a relationship is never a good idea....it would be a horrible foundation to base a relationship on.

The other thing...your new guy might sense the strong connection you and your ex have so instead of trying to reassure him be honest about it and own it so he doesn't feel like he is imagining anything. A connection alone might intimidate someone who is insecure but they need to become more secure and being honest about the connection gives them a chance to do just that.

[Mike]

Your new boy friend is doing you a fav and you dont know it. Its not like you and your X didnt try very hard to keep your previous relationship going. It failed for reasons that still exist and if you restart the relationship you two will continue to fight...

First, thank you for trying to help!

You didn't really get it right - as friends we were really getting along just fine. After the intimate relationship had ended, we managed to be best friends. We really cared for one another as friends. We helped each other through tough times, we listened and we were practically inseparable. Just as friends (no intimacy).

So, you see - we were really good for each other as friends (it went on for a whole year).

[Mike]

You're really sweet for taking the time to reply. THANK YOU!

...so you have to explain to your new lover that it is important to overcome his insecurity

Well, sadly his insecurity is *somewhat* warranted.
I won't ever get back to him, but some residual feelings may surface.

...because usually when you ask for something you need to give something because relationships are all about compromise....

Yeah, I learned this one the hard way.

Whatever you do...don't agree to not talk to your ex because having to give up your friends to appease someone's insecurity for a relationship is never a good idea....it would be a horrible foundation to base a relationship on.

My friends are extremely important to me. I would never let them go, just because my boyfriend said so.
Mmm... just one thing, though - when we started going out, he told me he would have NO problem with us being friends (my ex and me). Only when he found out how deeply I was hurt by that relationship and that some residual feelings remained, he changed his mind.

Do you think I was too revealing? Should I have kept my mouth shut about how deep my feelings had been for him?

If I didn't think his request was somewhat justified, I wouldn't be consulting you guys, I would tell him I wouldn't stop being friends with my ex.

instead of trying to reassure him be honest about it and own it so he doesn't feel like he is imagining anything. A connection alone might intimidate someone who is insecure but they need to become more secure and being honest about the connection gives them a chance to do just that.

Yeah, honesty is the best policy, I agree.

[pellaz]

as friends we were really getting along just fine. After the intimate relationship had ended, we managed to be best friends.

i eliminate emotional co-dependants, keep thinks simple.

[Mike]

i eliminate emotional co-dependants, keep thinks simple.

What do you mean?
Don't you have any friends?

Doesn't it get lonely? Don't you need someone to talk to?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Seems to me that you need to make a choice.

You were not too keen on your ex getting a new boyfriend, and you picked leaving him in the cold as your way to 'deal with it'.

I have to wonder if the Ex isn't using his 'issues' and 'rants' as a way to stymie your relationship with your new BF as a way to 'deal with' the idea that you are seeing someone new.

Frankly, I never got the whole 'Lets break up and be friends' thing. It seems to me that if you can't be friends when together then how on earth can one be 'friends' when not together?

"Lets be friends" seems like a nice way to break up without really breaking up, you can carry on the emotional relationship without having to commit 100% to each-other.

After all, if you were 'just friends' then your ex dating someone new shouldn't have been an issue, but it was. Why? did you have hope to patch it up and get back together? Where you still emotionally involved without being committed? What was going on there?

Is it still going on, this time your ex over your new BF.

Frankly, I never carried on a 'friendship' with past lovers. We broke up and for good reasons, why on earth would I want to be around a person who I couldn't stand to live with?

Move on. Sure you can be civil and nice to the Ex, but you don't have to be his 'friend' there are plenty of people on earth he can befriend - and that goes the same for you too.

Unless there is this old hope glowing deep inside and you two are doing the romance dance thing.

[pellaz]

Don't you have any friends? Doesn't it get lonely? Don't you need someone to talk to?

dont need friends to fix emotional things, i have a partner. he is my 100%. I have friends to help with home computers, build things, manage things. I dont mix.

i have been through a lot of life stuff recently so i keep things emotionally simple.

all goodness tho, everyone different.

[East]

You're really sweet for taking the time to reply. THANK YOU!

Well, sadly his insecurity is *somewhat* warranted.
I won't ever get back to him, but some residual feelings may surface.

Yeah, I learned this one the hard way.

My friends are extremely important to me. I would never let them go, just because my boyfriend said so.
Mmm... just one thing, though - when we started going out, he told me he would have NO problem with us being friends (my ex and me). Only when he found out how deeply I was hurt by that relationship and that some residual feelings remained, he changed his mind.

Do you think I was too revealing? Should I have kept my mouth shut about how deep my feelings had been for him?

If I didn't think his request was somewhat justified, I wouldn't be consulting you guys, I would tell him I wouldn't stop being friends with my ex.

Yeah, honesty is the best policy, I agree.

Hi Mike.....I am glad to hear that you would not let your friends go...I feel the same way you do about that.

I have had a similar problem before though mine has different circumstances but I will share this with you in the hopes you may get something from it....

I value honesty in my relationship above all else and I am a keen observer and when I was younger than you are...having seen alot of relationships...I decided that I would never promise fidelity to anyone nor allow them to promise it to me. Instead...I promise honestly and I expect the same...and by honesty I mean emotional honesty as well.

The thing is...there are never any guarantees in life and every single person who cheats once promised to be faithful...how do they know what the path ahead holds for them and why do they promise something they do not know if they can deliver or not?

I certainly do not know if I will be faithful but I DO know I can be honest no matter what.

In my case....I have little patience for jealousy or insecurity so I figure I am taking care of alot of potential problems ahead of time because I am not putting any unrealistic expectations on me or my lover and there is no need for control or insecurity....

I have my critics to be sure but the irony is...I have been completely faithful to my lover for 26 years...and done a far better job of being monogamous without making false promises than my critics who gasp at the thought and have long since broken their own promises and cheated..usually wagging their fingers at everyone else as they go own:biggrin:

Do you think I was too revealing? Should I have kept my mouth shut about how deep my feelings had been for him?

Not at all...I believe in being emotionally honest and I don't care what price I have to pay for it. The thing is...you probably have to think about how you feel about being emotionally honest and whether you are willing to risk anything.....sometimes being emotionally honest can cost you and only you know how much you are willing to pay.

Well, sadly his insecurity is *somewhat* warranted.
I won't ever get back to him, but some residual feelings may surface.

This would make me trust you more...the honesty...but I have had time to mature emotionally and I know who I am...It takes time and experience to learn to accept these things in ourselves and each other. We are complex and if you really loved someone there is bound to be residual feelings. It would be far worse if he sensed it and you denied it to him or even worse...to yourself.

I hope it all works out for you