Ex coming back to "haunt" me, current bf doesn't like it

[monk]

I can't tell him to stop calling, when he's so sad and frustrated.

But he's saddening and frustrating your current boyfriend. I think you've got to choose which is more important for you. It's his life and it's down to him to sort out his problems.



He tells me he doesn't want to come between us and I believe him.


But he is coming between you! I'd say burn your bridges.

Best of luck.

[Mike]

You were not too keen on your ex getting a new boyfriend, and you picked leaving him in the cold as your way to 'deal with it'.

Well, I was sure I had no feelings for him anymore, when he started getting serious with this guy. It was really hard for me, but that was then (about 18 months ago), and this is now.
I am not looking to get back to him, nor is he.

I have to wonder if the Ex isn't using his 'issues' and 'rants' as a way to stymie your relationship with your new BF as a way to 'deal with' the idea that you are seeing someone new.

Knowing him as well as I do, I am absolutely sure he will never do it. He is a generally caring person, who would never risk hurting people this way. He says he doesn't want to come between us and I believe him.

Frankly, I never got the whole 'Lets break up and be friends' thing. It seems to me that if you can't be friends when together then how on earth can one be 'friends' when not together?

The fact of the matter is - we really managed to be best friends (for a whole year), after splitting up (+ after a 6 months break from each other).

After all, if you were 'just friends' then your ex dating someone new shouldn't have been an issue, but it was. Why? did you have hope to patch it up and get back together? Where you still emotionally involved without being committed? What was going on there?
Is it still going on, this time your ex over your new BF.

Well, my ex dating someone new really hurt me at that time, but that was then and this is now. Now I am in love with this other guy, but I'm afraid some of those old feelings may re-surface.

I didn't have hopes to get back together - I did have feelings for him, but we both knew how destructive we had been for each other as boyfriends (as friends, we were really good for each other, but as boyfriends we were constantly at each others' throats).

Move on. Sure you can be civil and nice to the Ex, but you don't have to be his 'friend' there are plenty of people on earth he can befriend - and that goes the same for you too.

You need to understand - we weren't just "buddies", we were like family to one-another (not only when we were boyfriends, but also when we became friends). It's not that simple, you can't just let go of someone that close.

Unless there is this old hope glowing deep inside and you two are doing the romance dance thing.

He's been living with his lover for about 18 months now. I have a new boyfriend I'm crazy about. I think it's safe to say we won't get back together...

[Mike]

Hi Mike.....I am glad to hear that you would not let your friends go...I feel the same way you do about that.

I have had a similar problem before though mine has different circumstances but I will share this with you in the hopes you may get something from it....

I value honesty in my relationship above all else and I am a keen observer and when I was younger than you are...having seen alot of relationships...I decided that I would never promise fidelity to anyone nor allow them to promise it to me. Instead...I promise honestly and I expect the same...and by honesty I mean emotional honesty as well.

The thing is...there are never any guarantees in life and every single person who cheats once promised to be faithful...how do they know what the path ahead holds for them and why do they promise something they do not know if they can deliver or not?

I certainly do not know if I will be faithful but I DO know I can be honest no matter what.

In my case....I have little patience for jealousy or insecurity so I figure I am taking care of alot of potential problems ahead of time because I am not putting any unrealistic expectations on me or my lover and there is no need for control or insecurity....

I have my critics to be sure but the irony is...I have been completely faithful to my lover for 26 years...and done a far better job of being monogamous without making false promises than my critics who gasp at the thought and have long since broken their own promises and cheated..usually wagging their fingers at everyone else as they go own:biggrin:

Do you think I was too revealing? Should I have kept my mouth shut about how deep my feelings had been for him?

Not at all...I believe in being emotionally honest and I don't care what price I have to pay for it. The thing is...you probably have to think about how you feel about being emotionally honest and whether you are willing to risk anything.....sometimes being emotionally honest can cost you and only you know how much you are willing to pay.

Well, sadly his insecurity is *somewhat* warranted.
I won't ever get back to him, but some residual feelings may surface.

This would make me trust you more...the honesty...but I have had time to mature emotionally and I know who I am...It takes time and experience to learn to accept these things in ourselves and each other. We are complex and if you really loved someone there is bound to be residual feelings. It would be far worse if he sensed it and you denied it to him or even worse...to yourself.

I hope it all works out for you

WOW! 26 years! Happy to hear it. It gives a lot of hope.

Well, about you not making any promises (to be faithful) - I think you're sweet for not wanting to make a promise you may not keep, but at the end of the day, he knows you're faithful, and this IS what's keeping you together.
You, knowing that, keep being faithful, to keep this relationship alive.

[Mike]

I can't tell him to stop calling, when he's so sad and frustrated.

But he's saddening and frustrating your current boyfriend. I think you've got to choose which is more important for you. It's his life and it's down to him to sort out his problems.



He tells me he doesn't want to come between us and I believe him.


But he is coming between you! I'd say burn your bridges.

Best of luck.

He isn't saddening and frustrating on my being with my new bf. His problems are complicated and they have NOTHING to do with me.

He says if his contact with me makes me / my new bf unhappy, he will not call me again. He had kept his promise not to do it (call me), for more than a year, until something in his life got really messed up.

I would feel bad, telling him to stop calling me, when I know he's hurting about something (not related to me), especially when I do care about him as a friend (still, some old feelings may re-surface, and this is the problem here)

[dfiant]

What sacrifices are you truely prepared to make?

What compromises are all 3 of your prepared to make?

I don't need the answers, but perhaps they are 2 questions you should be asking yourself

[BobInTampa]

I am in a similar situation so maybe i can offer some counsel.

My current partner of 2 years maintains contact with his ex "Daniel" - (a drug addict, abuser, etc). When i first started seeing Daniel's name pop up on my partner's phone, i confronted my partner on why he was calling? I was NOT angry or jealous or bitchy, i simply asked him why, he would take a call from a man who for the last 2 years of their relationship, lied, cheated stole money ($20,000+) and physically abused him?

Like you, he said that while he was "over" him, that he couldn't just turn his back on him as a friend. My partner even asked if we could "all 3 of us" hang out sometimes because "Daniel needs to have friends who don't do drugs, have lives, careers, etc." I smiled and said, "There is no way i want to spend any time with him. He hurt you and your family and there's no way i can pretend that what he did, didn't happen - no matter how much he's changed."

Long story short, the calls and texts continued and i told my parnter that if he continued to take his calls and text messages taht we were going to have a problem. So, for over a year, my man would either ignore his calls and texts or return them hours or days later. YOu see, for me, it was more a matter of my man stopping what WE were doing as a couple, to take his call. It took some time, but my partner finlly understood that his ex was lonely and that his calls and texts were his attempt at staying in his life in some way shape or form. I told my partner that while i respected his ability to look past their "past" that WE are a couple now and he cannot have any priority in our lives. He agreed.

And then, 2 weeks ago, my man was in the shower, and i saw a text come over my man's iPhone and it said, "It was 4 years ago today that we were in San Francisco together, do you remember that?"

Well, when my parnter came out of the shower, i showed him the text message and said, "Ok, so you REALLY think he's not making a play to get back with you? How do you think this makes me feel if you don't set him straight?"

I absolyutly know my ex is over Daniel - he's just got a big heart. But he fianlly came to understand that I HAVE a heart too, and so something had to be done.

My man wrote him back and said, "yes, i remember, but that was in the past, i am with Bob now and i'm happier than i've ever been....please respect that and don't send me a message like that again."

He got a text reply - "ok."

So, long story short: You CAN keep in contact with your ex, but you MUST stop taking calls and texts everytime he reaches out to you. Nothing would piss me off more than my hubby taking a call from his ex while we were out to dinner or hanging with friends. It took a while, but i told him that it was very rude and inconsiderate to take a call from his ex while he was OUT with me! He finally understood that. YOU have to do that as well.

Now your ex will balk when you don't call him back or text him back immediatly, but your current BF will very much appreciate that you put HIM ahead of your ex. You also need to tell your ex that while you still care for him as a friend, that he needs to put more thought into WHEN and why he's calling....and that it's inappropriate for him to call more than once a week or so. END OF STORY!

You CAN have it both ways, but YOU have to put your current BF as the priority - not your ex!

[Mike]

What sacrifices are you truely prepared to make?

What compromises are all 3 of your prepared to make?

I don't need the answers, but perhaps they are 2 questions you should be asking yourself

Because I think these are good questions, I'm going to answer them here:

I won't hang out with my ex (at least for the foreseeable future). We will only speak on the phone.

My ex will keep his calls to a minimum.

(I hope) my current boyfriend will somehow manage to overcome his insecurities

[Mike]

I am in a similar situation so maybe i can offer some counsel.

My current partner of 2 years maintains contact with his ex "Daniel" - (a drug addict, abuser, etc). When i first started seeing Daniel's name pop up on my partner's phone, i confronted my partner on why he was calling? I was NOT angry or jealous or bitchy, i simply asked him why, he would take a call from a man who for the last 2 years of their relationship, lied, cheated stole money ($20,000+) and physically abused him?

Like you, he said that while he was "over" him, that he couldn't just turn his back on him as a friend. My partner even asked if we could "all 3 of us" hang out sometimes because "Daniel needs to have friends who don't do drugs, have lives, careers, etc." I smiled and said, "There is no way i want to spend any time with him. He hurt you and your family and there's no way i can pretend that what he did, didn't happen - no matter how much he's changed."

Long story short, the calls and texts continued and i told my parnter that if he continued to take his calls and text messages taht we were going to have a problem. So, for over a year, my man would either ignore his calls and texts or return them hours or days later. YOu see, for me, it was more a matter of my man stopping what WE were doing as a couple, to take his call. It took some time, but my partner finlly understood that his ex was lonely and that his calls and texts were his attempt at staying in his life in some way shape or form. I told my partner that while i respected his ability to look past their "past" that WE are a couple now and he cannot have any priority in our lives. He agreed.

And then, 2 weeks ago, my man was in the shower, and i saw a text come over my man's iPhone and it said, "It was 4 years ago today that we were in San Francisco together, do you remember that?"

Well, when my parnter came out of the shower, i showed him the text message and said, "Ok, so you REALLY think he's not making a play to get back with you? How do you think this makes me feel if you don't set him straight?"

I absolyutly know my ex is over Daniel - he's just got a big heart. But he fianlly came to understand that I HAVE a heart too, and so something had to be done.

My man wrote him back and said, "yes, i remember, but that was in the past, i am with Bob now and i'm happier than i've ever been....please respect that and don't send me a message like that again."

He got a text reply - "ok."

So, long story short: You CAN keep in contact with your ex, but you MUST stop taking calls and texts everytime he reaches out to you. Nothing would piss me off more than my hubby taking a call from his ex while we were out to dinner or hanging with friends. It took a while, but i told him that it was very rude and inconsiderate to take a call from his ex while he was OUT with me! He finally understood that. YOU have to do that as well.

Now your ex will balk when you don't call him back or text him back immediatly, but your current BF will very much appreciate that you put HIM ahead of your ex. You also need to tell your ex that while you still care for him as a friend, that he needs to put more thought into WHEN and why he's calling....and that it's inappropriate for him to call more than once a week or so. END OF STORY!

You CAN have it both ways, but YOU have to put your current BF as the priority - not your ex!

WOW! I think your story here merits a thread of its own.
First, THANK YOU for taking the time to reply. It is appreciated, my friend.

Listen, our situations are nothing alike:

1. My ex is a pharmacist at a reputable hospital. He is nothing like the drug abusing ex of your bf.
He brought so many insightful things into my life. He enriched it with things I hadn't ever had before. As a friend, he would be good for me.

2. He seldom calls me. I don't know how, but somehow people got the impression he constantly calls me. We hadn't spoken for about a year up until about a week ago (up until a year ago we were on and off, after he had hooked up with his current boyfriend).
He contacted me about a week ago with some serious problems in his life.

3. He isn't lonely, nor does he want to get back together with me (that much I am sure of).

4. He is sympathetic to my situation and doesn't want to set me back to the time when I was thinking about him (romantically).


We mutually broke things off, but after he had gotten together with his current boyfriend, I was a wreck and put a stop to our friendship.

[Mike]

I am in a similar situation so maybe i can offer some counsel.

My current partner of 2 years maintains contact with his ex "Daniel"....

"Daniel"? - Are you from Israel, by any chance?

I do think our current spouses have to come first. I would never accept ANYTHING less than being first priority.

[dfiant]

Because I think these are good questions, I'm going to answer them here:

I won't hang out with my ex (at least for the foreseeable future). We will only speak on the phone.

My ex will keep his calls to a minimum.

(I hope) my current boyfriend will somehow manage to overcome his insecurities

I'm sorry Mike, but I think that is an unfair expectation of your current BF. It's not fair that you are making your problems his problems.

I'm just saying