I grew up in a very liberal home where coming out wasn't necessary. My mom is a lesbian so she clearly was supportive, and my dad just accepted and supported me as well too. I started bringing guys home when I was 16 but I never had to 'come out' to them. There was never a 'I'm gay' conversation with them. Mostly to the fact that they already knew and my mom is gay herself.
I read these coming out stories about people needing support b/c they are scared. And it's usually 50/50. 50% of the stories, the people seem to be around friends and family that wouldn't care one way or another but are scared of rejection. And the other 50% of the stories, seem to be about fear of abandonment b/c they have no support or lack of general liberalism. I do understand if you are out or not, the fear of being rejected and not accepted is there no matter what. Being a homosexual I feel there is a general loneliness that we all live with but that is a different conversation.
From reading these stories and talking to people that are gay but haven't 'come out,' it's usually always about fear of rejection by friends but mostly family. If your family cannot accept you, it seems that the person strong enough to 'come out,' suddenly turns weak and commits suicide. (Generally.)
These stories somewhat bother me. I ask myself, did they actually need to 'come out?' Why not accept your homosexuality within side yourself. I mean, you are responsible for your well being, not your friends or parents. Is it necessary to say, "Mom and Dad, I'm gay." Why not just bring that guy or girl home and say "This is my friend, Jake."
If you're parents are so conservative or close-minded why put yourself, let alone them, the terror of 'coming out?' If you bring the same person home enough, they might not accept it, but they will surely see that this person isn't going anywhere.
I'm interested in what y'all have to say.
It seems everyone's 'coming out' stories blend together after a while. So I'm not convinced no one else sees my point of view.
Lastly, as a homosexual, I do understand there are so many factors (more than listed) that center around your well being: religion, parents, fear, love, friends, having no support, and being bullied for example. But as the title says...
Does one actually have to 'come out' to be accepted?
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I came out because I didn't want to lie about who I was. If a person decides to tell me that "I love you, no matter what." Then that person shouldn't go through much "terror" because I happened to be born gay.
The only reason we need to "Come out" is because we live in a conservative, narrow minded world. If the only one who knows that I like guys is me, that means that everyone else will walk around labeling me as Straight.
I don't know about y'all but I get utterly and truly pissed off when people just assume that I am straight, because I am ME and my sexuality is part of me.
If people get a nervous breakdown because I don't like vagina then so be it. I am not about to lie to people about myself because they will feel better about it.
I grew up in a very conservative, christian home and that makes you appreciate acceptance a lot. When I came out to my family no one took it as a shock (Except my parents.)
Today me being gay is a given at home and no one is labeling me anymore because they know who I am.
Coming out isn't just about you revealing what gender you dig, it also lifts a load of weight off your shoulders which in turn leads to a lot of wonderful things.
When I was in the closet my relationship to my parents SUCKED. When I came out we grew a lot closer.
I understand how many people think that we shouldn't need to come out, that it should be a given that everyone is different and sexualities actually, no matter how "outrages" it is, vary from person to person.
However that view on humanity is exactly what many of us want to achieve, we're not there yet.
Coming out is accompanied by loads of bullshit and loads of wonders, that's life. I do not run around screaming that I am gay, I hardly think many people do that. However if a person asks I am not about to lie.
Instead of asking us if "We need to come out to be accepted" one should ask the world that question.
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I'm not close to my family and I only rarely see them so there's no point in my coming out to them. Plus, if they cared then it would be that they didn't like it. One exception is my cousin, but I haven't come out to him because I know he'd blab about it. I think he'd be supportive (his twisted and sometimes callous humor aside), though.
I did tell my granny. Why? Because I tell her everything. It just isn't natural to keep something like that hidden from her. It's not like I planned it out, but when it came up I told her, partially because it was the wee hours of the morning and I had a little alcohol in me, but also because it would be wrong for me to lie to her. We love and trust each other and to hide that part of me would be to put a barrier up between us that I would not like. And unfortunately she's not fully accepting. She's as supportive as she can be but she seems to consider it tragic, and definitely did at first asking me if different things in my childhood "made" me gay and what she could've done to have kept me from being that way. In a way it's worse that she blames herself more than blaming me, and that hurts. But it would hurt even more for me to have kept that from her...and if she found out on her own I believe my secrecy would've hurt her even more than my telling the truth because then she'd feel that barrier in between us as well and realize we're not as close as she thought we were. I believe I'd have told her even if I thought she'd blab, though I was relieved when she said it would be best if the rest of the family didn't know for certain (and whoever knew those slut rumors started against me when I was a kid by Christians bearing false witness would ever prove so useful to me as an adult who visits once in a blue moon? :tongue: )
But as for me I think I'd handle rejection, even from Granny. If she'd rejected me I think I'd have decided she wasn't as worthy of my affection as I'd have thought. It would hurt, but like any heartbreak I'd get over it (not overnight, but I would). Such are the advantages of having been raised as independent as I have been and having learned to take care of myself.
Others, OTOH, not only want to share their innermost selves with those they love (as I do with my granny) but they tend to be a lot more anxious about the world, and being gay is not easy (especially outside of places like LA and San Francisco). Knowing one's family has one's back is not only good for emotional health, but can be very reassuring to know that no matter how much some people in the world may hate you and how society doesn't fully accept you, your family does and that's a huge relief for so many reasons...and should they not accept you and thus join in society in marginalizing you (at best), then that is lonely, frightening (who will help you if you get in trouble and who can you really trust to love and accept you if even your own family rejects you?), might be disastrous in other ways (such as losing a place to live, financial support for college, and even kids are thrown on the streets or placed in horrific "treatment" centers and abuse & violence are also possibilities), and, of course, is simply heartbreaking when people you have a lifetime of memories with pretty much say you're dead to them. Grieving seems inevitable, and I can understand why others are driven to thoughts of suicide...and sometimes go through with it.
And on top of that there's sometimes feelings of guilt of having failed family, God, or whatever as well (so suicide isn't an escape from pain but rather an extreme form of self-harm as punishment and self-loathing), though in this case the family may even be supportive (oddly enough there have been gays who came close to suicide--and no doubt others who went through with it--because they'd rather hurt their family with suicide than with shaming themselves in coming out gay). In at least one case a guy lost his suicidal feelings after coming out to his mom and his mom fully accepting him.
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I always wondered about parents, lived with their gay boy 15-20years in the same house and dont already know he is indeed very gay. He comes out to them and he becomes a different person. I hope it isnt done like this any more.
Niltra Wrote:Instead of asking us if "We need to come out to be accepted" one should ask the world that question. we are a tiny small minority, like 4%,
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Quote:Coming out isn't just about you revealing what gender you dig, it also lifts a load of weight off your shoulders which in turn leads to a lot of wonderful things.
Amen to that!
Sorry, couldn't remember how to attribute the quote! :redface:
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The need to 'come out' is only a need because society has closed doors and limited people.
When I came out it was simply a thing of honesty and how am I going to talk about this man that hangs around me?
I never told my parents 'I'm gay'.
Instead I told them I had met a wonderful person (That's great son, what's her name?) This is a person who I really want to spent the rest of my life with (That's great son, whats her name?) - His name is Robert....
My mother screamed 'Don't ever call me again you son of a bitch!' (amongst other profane words). My father literally changed the subject to the affect the weather was having on his crops. I eventually did call my mother again, she acted surprised I hadn't called in 4 years. The only time my father actually said anything was more or less a comment 'What will the neighbors think?'.
As for actually coming out and telling them 'I'm gay' - it never happened.
The last time I spoke with my mother she insisted I was with a Danielle, truth is I'm with a Daniel.
I rarely use the words 'I'm gay.' People either know because they know I am with a man (my Domestic Partner) or because they think calling me a faggot is a vicious/derogatory thing. :tongue:
I don't hide who I am, I just don't see the point in making a huge deal over it. I don't feel a need to stand there digging my toe into the ground and having to screw up the courage to admit that I am something. I just live my life and let people figure it out by who I am with. No, not all the people in my life have a clue. Some people think that my partner is my kid brother. Some think we are only bachelor roommates - a few people I know have no idea that I have a personal life at all:o.
Society makes this false hurdle for LGBT to leap over, we don't make it ourselves. No straight person has to screw up the courage to "confess" thy are heterosexual - they just live their lives and people either get a clue by who they are holding hands with, or just automatically assume that because you are a guy you are aiming for a wife, or just because you are a gal you are aiming for a husband.
Assumptions... I think we all know what that really means. 
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The simple answer to the question, people come out so they can have family. Think about it, what's the use of having a partner if you have to hide them as a 'friend' or 'house mate'.
Hiding your sexuality limits you.
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I don't like hiding myself so I don't. But I also don't feel the need to "come out." I talk about my boyfriend casually with people and if they act like it's a big shocker then I've just made them look a fool as they're freaking out and I'm just casually chatting. I think it's almost always better to not hide yourself, with the exception of your safety, and this can include emotional well-being, being at risk.
But I sort of have a, "If you don't like it, fuck off." attitude and while I had to come to accept I could if I lose my family when I came out as trans(I was concerned about reactions to that, I knew being gay was no issue) and it wasn't fun, I knew that I would be happier if I was able to be myself instead of living a lie to keep them happy. In the end it worked out and I know others can't be as fortunate. But I think each person has a different situation that calls for a different action.
I think perhaps more people should ask themselves, "What will make my life happier and more fulfilling?" rather than "What am I supposed to do?"
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ATXtoLA Wrote:If your family cannot accept you, it seems that the person strong enough to 'come out,' suddenly turns weak and commits suicide. (Generally.)
Well no, that doesn't reflect reality. First of all, there is no single form of rejection or acceptance. Rejection and acceptance can overlap. Also, I'd wager the majority of gay people rejected completely by their family do not commit suicide.
ATXtoLA Wrote:These stories somewhat bother me. I ask myself, did they actually need to 'come out?' Why not accept your homosexuality within side yourself. I mean, you are responsible for your well being, not your friends or parents. Is it necessary to say, "Mom and Dad, I'm gay." Why not just bring that guy or girl home and say "This is my friend, Jake."
Um, unless your parents have some sort of severe mental disability, bringing home a guy would be equivalent to coming out. If they were predisposed to cutting their child out of their life over their sexual orientation, this wouldn't exactly work in reality, would it?
ATXtoLA Wrote:If you're parents are so conservative or close-minded why put yourself, let alone them, the terror of 'coming out?' If you bring the same person home enough, they might not accept it, but they will surely see that this person isn't going anywhere.
Like I said above, that would just amount to coming out in a different way. Also, I think you don't quite get what rejection means if you think someone with close-minded parents can just bring someone home and nothing will be said.
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Do not let society pressure get to you.
I do not see the need to come out , when you have total acceptance for who you are and what you do.
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