Advice with dating someone in the closet

[Windowblues]

Anyway, my question is... what should I do? Just sit back and wait to see what happens in September? Give him space? Does anyone have any experience dating someone in the closet? Is this kind of behaviour usual for someone who is scared about their future as a gay man?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[myapple]

Hmm I would talk to and ask him about it. Not pressuring him, just having a calm and collective conversation about it. If that doesn't work, then I would give him some space and time to think about what it is he's doing. That's all you can really do at this point. You have to let him come to his senses on his own. It's totally normal behavior for someone in the closet, unfortunately.

[Rainbowmum]

First let me say

I am so sorry about the turmoil in your life.
What ever you do , do not turn this fear into an insecurity.

Ask him if he needs space and time, if he does than by all means give it to him.
That way , he will not see you as another pressure right now.
That's all you can do for now.

Some people are worth the wait.

We are all here for you.

[princealbertofb]

Windowblues, I believe your boyfriend has just gone into 'safety' mode... ie he's being cautious. Maybe he's getting questions about your texts etc... and has to avoid anyone picking his mobile up who might see what's going on. I'd like to think that since what you've got is so strong, he'll be coming back. For the moment, you have to accept that he's living his life in fear and in a mode that will not compromise his coming back to England, especially if that is something that depends on his parents helping financially.

Remember also that phone conversations from abroad on a mobile are costly. Maybe he's trying not to phone too much because of money matters. Greece is in a difficult situation at the moment, as you must know.

On his side, you might suggest that he says he's got someone he's interested in in the UK without disclosing the gender of the person. If he is asked what HER name is, is your name one that could be construed as being male or female? If not, he could say that he doesn't want to disclose the name because the relationship is still unstable and he doesn't want to give people false hopes.

There are innumerable ways of creating a decoy in such a situation. I'm sure what your friend mostly needs is your support, and possibly more discretion. He is probably aching for your love and trying desperately not to attract any unwanted attention.

His good points are that he's ONLY 21, therefore not yet completely ''marriageable'' - nubile is the proper word, and since he's not got a financial situation yet and no steady job, it would be foolish for him to embark on a wedding and married life? Right? I think he has a little time ahead of him.
What about you? Have you got time? Are you patient? Are you in love?

Good luck with this, I know it can't be easy to be so far and feel left out and unable to give proper support from a distance. The best thing you can do is give him your love and support, but be discreet about it in your messages.

[nikgee]

I don't know if you want to listen to this 59 year old dude who has been in the closet all of his life. Well, the younger years I didn't know what all that meant.So let's just say I am a late bloomer. So from me it will not be so much advice because to give advice one must be knowledgeable and experienced, and I am neither. But what I do have is a different slant and maybe this will help you to understand where he might be coming from. From my point of view I don't feel the stability in myself to maintain a relationship.. It is not fair to either party. Maybe it is worse for the one that is out, because he has to put up with this psycho popping his head in and out of the closet.So with that being said what are you to do? You have 2 cut and dry choices STAY OR GO. If you stay you better be sure that is what you want. And get yourself settled in because there may be some rough winds.And you got to realize it is rough for him too. Maybe more so. Dealing with his issues and seeing the hurt it is causing you . There is some verse from an old rock n roll tune " hold on loosely, but don't let go". I think it was Fog Hat or in that time frame. Anyway, if your decision is go. Then go and don't look back. HARD. Dam right. Love is like a rose. A beautiful flower to see, but watch where you hold on to it. the thorns will get ya. There is one more cut and dry scenario he may decide not to show back up. if that is the case your decision is easy. You don't have to make a decision . I can only imagine, you are hurting a lot. What do they say time heals. Who are they and what the hell do they know.I hope it all works out for you . As I hope my words help and do not hinder.

[dfiant]

I really don't know what to say as my expectations in a relationship are certainly different to yours, hence my views and possible advice would be vastly different to what you would expect and what everyone esle is advising.

I have a habit of being able to cut people off who don't meet my standards, and honest is at the top of my standards list. So if I were in your position I would walk away before I get further involved, risking even further and harsher hurt in the long run. I would explain in no uncertain terms why I am walking away, what my expectations are, and that I have very strong feelings for him. The result of this can go one of 2 ways:

1) You will grieve your loss and yes it will be bloody hard because it seems you have invested a lot of your emotion into growing this relationship, but eventually you will get over it and met someone else who is your Mr. Right.

2) It will give him the space and the time to reassess what is important to him and learn not to live his life the way that his family and friends think that he should and end up in a loveless marriage with kids..

If you love somebody, set them free. If they come back to you it was meant to be. If they don't come back to you then it was never meant to be.

If he comes back to you, he is going to need an aweful lot of emotional support, so be prepared for a very bumpy ride ahead as well

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I personally don't do closeted men, nor 'straight' men either, nor young men who are curious about what its like to be gay.

Regardless of any emotional attachment to the fellow, I would have walked on a long, long time ago.

To me it seems like a nifty excuse to have handy when one wants to bail on the relationship. 'Oh, well its time for me to leave, people might find out I'm gay.'

A real suspicious thing here is he is no longer saying and texting he loves you. If he has a cell phone, then he should be able to walk away from the straight crowd long enough to say those three little words. Closet or not, a guy in love will take that 'risk' and find a way to say those words.

I don't know, maybe I'm just jaded and see too much darkness in the world. Or maybe I'm a realist and see the situation as a dead end road where in the end you are going to get hurt by this guy.

[princealbertofb]

...
The way we speak to each other now via text and on phone is completely different too, the ‘I love you’, ‘I miss you’, even the kisses in texts have completely stopped. It’s like he’s on a programme to turn straight or something, it’s really hurtful to sit back and see it happen.

About the above paragraph, I'd also suggest that maybe he's not allowing himself to be too romantic because, as you say, he's confused at the moment, and is wondering where all this is going to lead eventually. I don't think it means he cares less for you, but maybe it means that he's growing less and less sure that he should keep saying these things for fear of hurting your feelings, or, come to that, for fear of giving himself false hopes, and then it would all amount to a lie.

Since texts are not the proper place to discuss things at length, why don't you start exchanging e-mails or proper letters?

[Windowblues]

About the above paragraph, I'd also suggest that maybe he's not allowing himself to be too romantic because, as you say, he's confused at the moment, and is wondering where all this is going to lead eventually. I don't think it means he cares less for you, but maybe it means that he's growing less and less sure that he should keep saying these things for fear of hurting your feelings, or, come to that, for fear of giving himself false hopes, and then it would all amount to a lie.

Since texts are not the proper place to discuss things at length, why don't you start exchanging e-mails or proper letters?

Thanks to all for your feedback, what a helpful and friendly bunch you are!

I’m inclined to believe this too Princealbertoffb, I don’t think it’s just wishful thinking either. I believe in what we both feel (call me naive), so I’m going to have to ride it out. I think I’d rather be hurt further down the line then call it off now and never know what could of been. It’s tricky, I have good and bad days. Hopefully all will be resolved next month. I've noticed that even now at our worst, if I don't contact him for a day he always sends a text in the end... it's like he can't keep away although he's fighting to.

[ChadCoxRox]

I personally don't do closeted men, nor 'straight' men either, nor young men who are curious about what its like to be gay.

Regardless of any emotional attachment to the fellow, I would have walked on a long, long time ago.

To me it seems like a nifty excuse to have handy when one wants to bail on the relationship. 'Oh, well its time for me to leave, people might find out I'm gay.'

A real suspicious thing here is he is no longer saying and texting he loves you. If he has a cell phone, then he should be able to walk away from the straight crowd long enough to say those three little words. Closet or not, a guy in love will take that 'risk' and find a way to say those words.

I don't know, maybe I'm just jaded and see too much darkness in the world. Or maybe I'm a realist and see the situation as a dead end road where in the end you are going to get hurt by this guy.

It's such a rich pleasure to have lived and loved enough to know what you do and what you don't do in relationships. I don't think you're darkly jaded or such a realist. I think you're experienced and most likely quite wise Bo!