when sex isn't flowing

[Aeneas]

hello gang.

i have this situation bothering me and would appreciate insight on the matter.

a few months ago, ive met a really cool guy. he is light-hearted, always supportive, considerate, independent and yes attractive and interesting to talk to and share ideas.

there is no doubt in my mind that he is attracted to me and wants a serious relationship with me. he wants to spend time with me, overlooks my mood swings, treats me really well and so on and so forth.

during these past months, however, something has been holding me back from responding positively to this idea. i push him away at times, unconsciously establishing a "safe distance" from getting serious. yet at times i feel relief at having him close. i feel comfortable and secure with him around.

most of us who have been in the scene know how difficult it is to find such people in a world full of uninteresting and promiscuous idiots.

still, and here is my problem: for a reason beyond my comprehension sex just isn't flowing. and the problem is on my end. the guy is attractive, both physically and personally, but every time we sleep together i motivate myself just enough to give him what he wants to get it over and done with and just feel pleased that he is happy.

last night, however, after watching a movie at home we both went to bed and whilst he was hugging me i ignored him and attempted to sleep. so he gave up any effort at having sex and slept as well. in the morning we both woke up and i headed straight for the shower - frustrated.

picking up on my foul mood, he asked me several times what was wrong. i said everything was fine but he knew that wasn't the case. in the end he concluded i was just moody; but that just pissed me off even more because he didn't even consider the fact we had just slept together and nothing had happened! isn't that a sign that things aren't really going well?

anyway... i don't want to hurt the guy. nor do i want to give up on making this work because, as i say, he is worth the effort. but something is just not right, and i cant pinpoint the problem and it bothers me a lot. after he left today i felt a deep sadness because i know this behaviour will sooner or later drive him away.

thanks for reading.

[ChadCoxRox]

This is more common than you realize and you are not alone. You are right that it has to do with you and not "you two." These are classic signs/symptoms of a mood and/or personality disorder that may be very treatable. If you become VERY well educated about the subject and how it relates specifically to how you do your "thinking, feeling and doing" you will still have the challenge of dealing with it. It will still be a part of "you" just like if you were going bald at an early age. You don't get over it...you get through it. The very first step in the process is acceptance of the issue itself. Understanding it, knowing it, owning it...so it doesn't OWN you! I bet there are so many dealing with the same thing in your area. The question is, how do you find those who have been there and had success dealing with it. The more support you get with first-hand knowledge the better your own efforts will be.

EVERYONE has mood/personality issues, just like everyone catches colds. Not everyone has the same immune system, learned coping skills, insight etc to manage the cold or the other health issues the same. Mental/Emotional health wellness is just like physical health wellness and so is treatment, recovery and dealing with it.

I hope you make good progress and succeed in minimizing how destructive unmet needs can become. Best wishes!!!mile:

[MrMcfat3]

Last night, however, after watching a movie at home we both went to bed and whilst he was hugging me i ignored him and attempted to sleep. so he gave up any effort at having sex and slept as well. in the morning we both woke up and i headed straight for the shower - frustrated.

picking up on my foul mood, he asked me several times what was wrong. i said everything was fine but he knew that wasn't the case. in the end he concluded i was just moody; but that just pissed me off even more because he didn't even consider the fact we had just slept together and nothing had happened! isn't that a sign that things aren't really going well?

Perhaps he had considered it. If you ignored him in bed, what did you think was going to happen? No it doesn't mean that things aren't going well, but if you want something to happen in bed, you can't ignore your partner, because it sounds like he was trying.
Sex is a mutual thing, all participants have to put in effort.
One way you can fix it is to not ignore him in the future.

[Aeneas]

thank you ccrox. this is some really interesting advice. do you think i should talk this over with him? explain my situation? would that help?

[Aeneas]

Perhaps he had considered it. If you ignored him in bed, what did you think was going to happen? No it doesn't mean that things aren't going well, but if you want something to happen in bed, you can't ignore your partner, because it sounds like he was trying.
Sex is a mutual thing, all participants have to put in effort.
One way you can fix it is to not ignore him in the future.

hi. yes hence why i understand its *my* problem, not his.

the point i was trying to make is that i just wasn't motivated enough to let anything happen. my frustration wasnt at the lack of sex, but rather at my behaviour which resulted in that.

i hope this clears it.

[ChadCoxRox]

Communication is the KEY to every successful relationship. If you tell him you know your own "stuff" and you are going to be working on your own stuff, he will certainly admire and respect that! Instead of wondering what's next or if you have a clue. Once he knows you understand and that you love his understanding, the relationship can only get better as a result. EVEN if you do not remain a "couple" you will be making a TRULY understanding friend! Talking and sharing together for each other's own best interest is RELATIONSHIPPING! I'm excited just thinking about the prospects. Just don't get bogged down with expectations but don't expect to "ride along by the seat of your pants" and not do something creative and constructive for your own recovery!!! I'm smiling very big right now! :biggrin:

[ChadCoxRox]

And another thing... just because you exhibit the signs or symptoms of any ore several "disorders" (like all the rest of us), does NOT mean you "have that diagnosis". Leave that stuff to the professionals! BUT you can really gain understanding and identify coping tools and solutions by understanding your own stuff better with the "structured language" of the science/art of recovery.

Look into some self help books on mood disorders or personality disorders. Don't read too much into the info but don't read too little either! It is always best to have a reliable person to walk that walk with you for perspective, guidance and support. That can be described as so hard to get or so hard to find...but that's just denial and excuse...because it is as simple as asking around, doing the homework and showing up for that relationshipping too!

Best wishes buddy. With your insight you clearly deserve more and better satisfaction!

[Aeneas]

cool thank you. im going to try and digest everything you've said so when i talk to him it sounds like i know what I'm talking about...

i really wanted to avoid the whole "its not you its me" bullshit and he deserves a more thorough explanation like the one youve explained above,

thanks.

[pellaz]

you guys dont talk, at all. text him right not how you love him.

dont let personal pride get in the way; there is no pride in a proper relationship. You need to sit down with him and tell him what you told us here. Show him the thread. talk to him before its too late.

-do you masturbate too much/ do you do it at all/ does it still work
-is the daily stress level lo->moderate
-not a lot of information here

[dfiant]

I'm going to be blunt. I read your original post and it was all about you...how you get treated, how you respond to a situation and advances, how you feel and it just seems like this whole situation is about YOU so that is where you have to start looking.

This means one of 2 things in my honest opnion

1) you are not compatible and destined to remain friends.

2) you are too immature and not ready for a relationship because you are not ready to share yourself and compromise but ready to accept anything like praise, that omes your way.

For a reltionship to start and continue there needs to be 2 people, quiet clearly this isn't and doesn't look like being anything more than a friendship and I think you need to tell him that, rather than leaving him with the impression you want to go further.