when sex isn't flowing

[Bowyn Aerrow]

If sleeping together and not 'sleeping' together is a sign of something wrong, then I think everyone has something wrong with them.

Sex is just the icing on the cake. The cake is the relationship. Trust me, in a long term relationship it gets more and more difficult for both to be in the mood at the same time.

Things like work, bills, cooking, cleaning, taking the dog to the vet, tending the ailing mother in law, yard work, painting the house before the rains set in - all of these seemingly 'minor' things eats up your energy and leaves you drained. By night fall you are lucky to want to sit on the couch holding hands watching TV. So just going to bed and spooning/cuddling is what you do and usually its a lot more satisfying emotionally than going at it like rabbits.

Your attitude toward sex having to be a chore and then feeling terrible about not having sex is going to make your desire for sex go down further and further until you are loathed to even think of sex.

There is too much pressure here (which you are putting on yourself from what you wrote).

Sexless relationships are as valid as ones where the couple is going at it in every room, on every surface every day. Perhaps more valid in many ways as the couple isn't sublimating or hiding other things behind the momentary pleasure.

Couples who talk, communicate - I mean sit down across from one another without the TV, computer, Cell phones, children screaming, etc - and talking, opening up and saying what is on their mind are the ones who make it for the long run. The ones who insist that the other needs to learn to read their mind end up in divorce court, or in some cases like the Petersen marriage, with one dead and the other in prison.

Don't underestimate the power of cuddling over sex. Just laying in bed together barely touching is far more meaningful on deeper levels than getting it on.

[ChadCoxRox]

If sleeping together and not 'sleeping' together is a sign of something wrong, then I think everyone has something wrong with them.

Sex is just the icing on the cake. The cake is the relationship. Trust me, in a long term relationship it gets more and more difficult for both to be in the mood at the same time.

Things like work, bills, cooking, cleaning, taking the dog to the vet, tending the ailing mother in law, yard work, painting the house before the rains set in - all of these seemingly 'minor' things eats up your energy and leaves you drained. By night fall you are lucky to want to sit on the couch holding hands watching TV. So just going to bed and spooning/cuddling is what you do and usually its a lot more satisfying emotionally than going at it like rabbits.

Your attitude toward sex having to be a chore and then feeling terrible about not having sex is going to make your desire for sex go down further and further until you are loathed to even think of sex.

There is too much pressure here (which you are putting on yourself from what you wrote).

Sexless relationships are as valid as ones where the couple is going at it in every room, on every surface every day. Perhaps more valid in many ways as the couple isn't sublimating or hiding other things behind the momentary pleasure.

Couples who talk, communicate - I mean sit down across from one another without the TV, computer, Cell phones, children screaming, etc - and talking, opening up and saying what is on their mind are the ones who make it for the long run. The ones who insist that the other needs to learn to read their mind end up in divorce court, or in some cases like the Petersen marriage, with one dead and the other in prison.

Don't underestimate the power of cuddling over sex. Just laying in bed together barely touching is far more meaningful on deeper levels than getting it on.

I almost totally agree with this post and love how the emphasis is on the broad range of things that make up a life together. I would only caution that a healthy sex life can and in most cases should be a part of the equation. Maybe BowynAerrow would agree to that clarification...not sure, but planning, making time and just spontaneously taking time for sex can be more than just icing on the cake. I've seen many good relationships based on several different themes including home life, family life, business life, and, yes, sex life. When it's good it's good ya'll. Here's to more of the good life for us all!!!

[azulai]

there is no doubt in my mind that he is attracted to me and wants a serious relationship with me. he wants to spend time with me, overlooks my mood swings, treats me really well and so on and so forth.

during these past months, however, something has been holding me back from responding positively to this idea. i push him away at times, unconsciously establishing a "safe distance" from getting serious. yet at times i feel relief at having him close. i feel comfortable and secure with him around.

most of us who have been in the scene know how difficult it is to find such people in a world full of uninteresting and promiscuous idiots.

I think you've met someone who cares for you but you aren't "in love" with him, there's no excitement from what I'm reading in your description. I'm guessing, but I think inside you basically know you are "settling" because you want the safety of a relationship. There has to be more than he's a nice, safe guy. I think you should free him so he finds someone to love him deeply and passionately.

Feeling "relief" is not love or passion and that's what I think you know deep down is missing.

[ardus]

I'm not an expert. I've never had a successful relationship.
But it seems like to me the two of you have the potential to be happy.
So go with it, what do you lose? If you're not compatible then what changes?
Richard

[ChadCoxRox]

I'm not an expert. I've never had a successful relationship.
Richard

I feel so sad when I read this line!!!!!!!!!!!! At your age and NO, none, NADA success in relationships???? That brings me pain to consider seriously. I am sending you a very warm and sincere hug as I type this comment. :frown:

[Aeneas]

I almost totally agree with this post and love how the emphasis is on the broad range of things that make up a life together. I would only caution that a healthy sex life can and in most cases should be a part of the equation. Maybe BowynAerrow would agree to that clarification...not sure, but planning, making time and just spontaneously taking time for sex can be more than just icing on the cake. I've seen many good relationships based on several different themes including home life, family life, business life, and, yes, sex life. When it's good it's good ya'll. Here's to more of the good life for us all!!!

yes im with you here.


perhaps im wrong whom am i to say but ive always regarded sex as a mirror of how the relationship is going - not the quantity but the quality. at least at my age of course.


thank you all for your replies though they've been really helpful mile:

[Aeneas]

update:


well today we spent the day cycling at the park together and when we took a pause for lunch i asked him how he felt things were going with us...

in short he said that at times he doesn't understand me. i said he doesn't deserve to put up with my crap and that its not my intention to hurt him, but that i felt something was *not right* or *missing* in our relationship and *that* something was perhaps responsible for my unpredictable behaviour. He said he too became "concerned" when we slept twice together but nothing had happened, and that my actions make him feel insecure.

we talked for nearly 10 minutes before we continued the ride. the atmosphere was quite dense at the time.

then we went back home, laid down on the sofa and listened to some music and chit chat about trivial stuff. at one point silence invaded the room and we had probably the best sex we have had right then and there on the sofa.

then we watched some olympic games, drank coffee and had a pretty cool evening before he left for his place.

[ChadCoxRox]

BRAVO!!! Loved that update!

It still seems as though you might benefit from deliberately taking more personal responsibility by telling him you know most of your issues are your issues and not the relationship. Take the pressure off of him and the relationship because you have enough insight and ego strength to take it and it will likely help. Remember though, if you do not do the work for YOU about YOU and be selfish about getting YOU in better shape, then all your relationships may suffer.

His being honest about feeling insecure about your behavior is a passive aggressive way to saying you need to take ownership and let him off the hook. Not that he doesn't have his own stuff to work on and grow. It's just that the more you own your own and let him own his own, the more room you have to meet together as a supportive couple. I'm typing so fast I'm not certain...so I hope I'm being clear enough.

ooooo good hot sex just to prove it can be done! hmmmm I likey likey

[BigCub]

I personally think sex is way to over rated. As Suzanne Sugarbaker once said: "I don't understand what the big deal is about sex. People write books about it, marriages break up over it. We're talking about what? Six or seven seconds here. I mean, it's okay, but not as good as, say, shopping or somebody putting a crown on your head."


I pretty much live by that motto, all except for the whole shopping & putting a crown on my head, those things just don't appeal to me.

[Dylannihilation]

This is why I'm sometimes REALLY glad to be a virgin! xD Luckily, I don't have to deal with this stuff...yet. lol